Only the Lonely

As much as I love doing things on my own, not having to worry about anyone else at all, it really does get lonely. I know I’ve said it time and time again, I’m lonely. This past weekend I went up to the Sequoia National Park. Did some hiking, climbed a rock, more hiking, saw ginormous trees and more hiking before a four hour drive home. It was nice being out in the woods since there isn’t a lot of it in the city. I had plenty of time to think to myself, clear my mind, overthink some things and in the end I still thought, I wish someone actually came with me.

A couple of weeks ago I was in the middle of downtown L.A. for their monthly art walk. Went from gallery to gallery and found a couple of the artists that I follow. I even went to a place called The Last Book Store. Pretty cool place. A giant maze of books. Everywhere you went, there were books.

On my way to one of the galleries, the scene was straight from a bad movie where there is a girl all alone in the dark street and three guys coming her way and attack her. I was lucky and didn’t get attacked. I made it to the gallery and I just had this eerie feeling when I walked in. Creepy security guard in the entrance. The building was empty. Took the elevator to the 5th floor. Inside the elevator was all carpet with a dim light and musty smell. I walk out of the elevator and find myself in an empty half lit hallway. I look for the suite number of the gallery, turn a corner here and another one there and then I found it but the door was locked. Gosh I wish someone was here with me. So I had to go back through the dim lit hallways back to the creepy elevator down the building and back into the dark street alone. I eventually made my way back to the crowded streets and made it back to my car. After that, I didn’t go to any other galleries because they were opposite from where I was and a lot further and I certainly didn’t want to go down any more dark streets. This is why I wish someone was with me. Well one of the reasons.

That Saturday, I went to Santa Monica for a Kite Festival. I love kites! I brought my camera to take pictures. I wanted to fly a kite but couldn’t because no one would hold my camera for me. I didn’t stay too long since they kept flying the same kites. I walked around 3rd Street Promenade a bit, got something to eat then went home.

My cousin always tells me how jealous she is of my life and how I can go anywhere whenever I want to and be spontaneous. We were roommates for two and a half years. We were Disneyland buddies. We would go on food adventures together. I miss those days. She’s got two kids now.

So I know how it feels like to have a friend or a companion or just someone to do and share all these things with and now I do everything alone. I may be courageous and say, “YEAH I DID IT ALL BY MYSELF!” and be proud of myself for doing so, but it always comes back to me being lonely. Everyone is like, “Look at you, miss independent.” and will say “I’m so jealous of you.” But on the flip side, I look at their lives and see that they have a family, they have family events, everything is done with someone. So I will say this, I am jealous of you. You have memories to share with your family. Don’t get me wrong, I like doing all the things that I do, I just wish I could share them with someone.

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I got to FLY!!!

Every time I am asked the question “What do you want to do?” my answer has been and always will be and I will quote from the movie Ever After when the prince asks Cinderella “is there anything you don’t do?” and she answers back in  the most  satisfying confident way as she looks up at the sky and closes her eyes and reads her arms wide open, “FLY.”

The good news is that I’ve gotten to FLY (sky diving) 3 times already and would do it over and over again. To feel so free, to fly with the birds, to be closer to the sun, to be so high off the ground, to hear peace and quiet thousands of feet in the air; there is nothing quite like it.

The first time, I think in 2009, was for a friend that was supposedly going to move to Thailand for good and it was his goodbye party, sort of. We went to the one in Temecula. Signed up for the entire package, video, pictures and all since it was our well my first time. Didn’t think I was going to do it ever again. We suited up and got our pre flight training. Off to the tiny dinky little plane we went and they managed to shove 20 people in there like sardines. You get the divers, the professional jumpers, the camera crew, and a few extras training or just doing it for fun. One by one we fell out of the plane. It was funny hearing my friends scream die out as she fell further away from the plane and scary at the same time because that meant I was next. DUN DUN DUN there is no backing out now!

3 2 1 go fall out of the plane! Screaming didn’t last too long, free falling was kind of fun, letting the wind catch you and it felt like you were just floating in mid air not to mention all you skin flapping about HAHA HAHAHAHAHA Okay I’m just laughing at myself now… No really, that is what I saw and that’s what really happens. Oh wait, don’t forget to say4788_1163932984223_1886901_n HI to your camera man! and oh yeah SMILE! Try doing that without having all the wind go into your mouth all at once… hahaha And now the guy strapped to your back finally pulls the chute. Oh so peaceful. We were having a normal conversation and just cruising around in the open air. That was the best feeling I’ve ever had I’ve forgotten that I just fell out of a plane however many thousands of feet off the ground. We finally landed and I was screaming and yelling WOOHOO YEAAAAHHH LET’S DO THAT AGAIN! I loved it so much that I even considered doing the training to get certified and jump on my own.

The second jump was in Taft, California. It was for my birthday December 2013. It was only two of us this time around. We get to the site and it was very different from my first experience. Small air space with no real solid buildings around. We checked in. They geared us up. We were kind of scared since the weather didn’t look so good. Mid December, cloudy skies, not your ideal forecast for skydiving right but they still booked us anyway. We see this tiny little plane come in and it looks questionable. It was one of those small planes that have the propellors on them. It looked like they pulled the back seats off and laid carpet on the floor. You could probably only fit about 5 people in there. On the inside, there were parts held up with duct tape, scary. But off we went. As we ascended higher, we were flying through thick clouds, we couldn’t even see above or below them. We get to our altitude and we are ready to jump out of the plane. My friend DCIM100GOPROwent first. Oh and the cameras were just attached to our jumpers wrists. It turned out that the camera on my friend’s jumper was not working so they were sitting at the edge of the plane trying to fix the darn thing. Oh and by the way, my friend is afraid of heights, imagine that. And there they go. I was next. We fell out, spun a little, fell through clouds, sleet, some rain, it was freezing cold I couldn’t even pay attention to the view. The next thing I knew we were on the ground. Still was fun, but not the same as the first. Nice way to spend my birthday.

The third time was in Oceanside with some church buddies. This one was, I guess you could say, extra special. A week before the jump, I found out that one of my best friends from college passed away ( I wrote about it in one of my other blogs “loss of a special friend”), DCIM100GOPROG0078488.I didn’t know if I was going to do the jump or not. Some people told me I shouldn’t go, some people told me I should because it would help get my mind off of things. I did it anyway and I’m glad I did. I took one of our old pictures and wrote a message on the back of it and had planned to let it go mid air. The cool thing was I told my instructor about it and he was like sure and caught the whole thing on camera. The best part was the jump was during sunset overlooking the ocean and I got to say goodbye to my friend in a way I thought she would appreciate.

I suppose I should’ve written about this some time ago since it is something that I truly enjoy, but it’s okay. I never thought I would ago skydiving once, let alone three times.

I LOVE TO FLY and I will continue to do it over and over again.

on the up and up

It’s been a crazy month but that phrase doesn’t seem to change for me does it? but it’s ok, things are going good… it was bad for some time, maybe too long in my book but what is good without the bad? it’s what makes the good even better right?!? I do miss writing, i miss my random rants about anything and everything and my mind has been on soooo many road trips good and bad… half and half too… at this point I’m back to rambling before i even get to the meat of the subject but that’s how i normally am right? besides, what is normal? heck i don’t know? who’s to determine what that should be? and besides the normal ones are weird and the weird ones are normal… so there… if that doesn’t make sense to you… it’s not supposed to.. haha i feel like i’m finding myself again, i miss me, a lot! nice to have you back! it’s good to be back! i’ve made it another year, woohoo! i’m doing a lot better than expected of myself, medicine is doing its job.

15078677_10211575985380953_6371228842385683589_nso i’ve set some new goals… i submitted Mochi’s picture for a calendar for 2018, hopefully it gets on there. i submitted other pictures as well. The cats are out and about getting along with Mochi dog. I signed up for a Disney Half Marathon in September, a Hillsong Conference in November, and I’m back in my piano lessons… notice that these are all for the next year if not two so i’m doing some reaching here… that’s good cuz i used to not be able to look past one day. Oh yeah I switched jobs, back to my old job and I am much happier! feels like home. I feel like I made the right decision and I’m happy with my decision.

With All of that said there is still only one person to thank for all of this, God! God is and will always be there to support me, listen to my hearts cries, and answer my prayers. Last weekend at my retreat, with the help of Pastor Tim, he confirmed all of this for me. That God has always been there, that God has always listened, and that God answers prayers. Pastor Tim told me things that came from God that were some of my deepest darkest secrets and deepest prayers, and yet through Pastor Tim, God speaks to me. Faith grows that much stronger.

loss of a special friend

My heart has been ripped out of my chest and placed in my hand. As the blood drips down my arm, I feel my life fade away slowly. I am barely alive, enough just to make sense of what is going on. The pain is real, the heart beats slowly through each agonizing breath.

My heart cries and it overflows into the corner of my eyes and come the never ending flow of tears. Through the tears, I am blinded by pain and sorrow. God I need your strength to carry on. I have no one to lean on but you. You are the constant rock and support whether someone is there or not. God fill me with your love. Wrap me in you protecting arms. Put my mind and my heart at peace and help me to let her go.

I lost a very dear friend of mine. My best friend from college.272519_4621957472674_1690358338_o

I have nothing but good memories of Cheryl, from the first day I met her in college to the days we would meet for dinner catching up with our lives. In college, it was her and I and the rest of the guys. When it was just her and I, we got to be who we really were, different in so many ways, and in some ways the same. She spent a lot of time with me and my family and eventually became one of us. When she wasn’t at family parties, my relatives would ask where she was. Even on a regular basis, they would ask how she was doing and invite her to the next family gathering. I would have to promise my aunt that I would bring her with me.

She had such a carefree attitude that was contagious.She was such a strong woman. She didn’t let anything get in her way. She didn’t care what people thought or said about anything she did. She did what she wanted when she wanted to, nothing could stop her. I was always jealous of her in that way (good way of course). She was a great friend to not just me, but to everyone around her.

Her faith in God kept her strong just like her poem…
“Did you hear about the rose that grew from a crack?
Proving nature’s law wrong, It learned to walk without having feet.
Funny it seems but by keeping its dreams
It learned to breathe fresh air.
Long live the rose that grew from concrete
when no one else cared.”
 knotts2
In Loving Memory of my best friend Cheryl Lynn Grucelski
P.S. Our last adventure together… I know you would have loved sky diving!
DCIM100GOPROG0078488.

 

a whole lotta random stuff

ok so this bloggers block has not left me and it’s a bit irritating… i have a bunch of stuff that i want to write down and wrote out full paragraphs and such in my head but when I get to here… i can’t seem to get the words out… so i’m gonna try it this way… I’ve said it before and i’ll continue to say it again and again… too many things happen all at once and yet again, that is how life is…  and on the flip side i still haven’t sorted out the jumbled mess in my head… hence the block?!?

May 26 – disney day 2 – so we went back for round two of disney fun, this time to cali adventure…i miss having my annual pass and going with my disneyland buddy (Jacky) almost every week. Now that she has her daughter, I have more reason to continue going… the only sad part is that I can’t join them on the weekdays… but anyhow, before we went, Jacky and I planned out what we would do, our day and what food we’d bring and this made me reminisce back to our disney days where we would stuff our backpacks with snacks and such, eat while walking or waiting in line… i mean we would bring tupperware of rice, sandwiches, candy, water, name the junk food we had it… everyone knows that disney is filled with line after line, then to even think about to get in line to get food… our problem was solved. California Adventure is always nice since its not as crowded as the main park and there are other things to do than ride rides. Arielle found a new friend at the animation studios and guess where that got us?!? A front of the line pass, free of charge to see Ana and Elsa and Olaf!!! I must say, that was the highlight of that disney trip!

 

June 2 – A big congratulations to my step-brother Joray, graduated from Saugus HS and got accepted to MIT!!!! SO so so very proud! Mr. Smarty Pants!

pets – so there has been all this talk about me finding a new home for my pets… i’ve been going through some things that make it hard for me to care for my pets right now and no i’m not using my social life as an excuse… yes my work schedule changed and i get home at different hours on different days… I do try to spend as much time with them as i can… being a previous pet owner of several different dogs throughout my life, loosing them, whichever way it may be, is never an easy topic. i love these guys and sometimes, no wait, they are the reason that i am still here… although i do see that i really do need to think long and hard about this… Like right now, I’m writing this and Mochi is bored so she finds her toys and starts playing on her own… not that I didn’t play with her earlier but she is cooped up in the house all day long while i’m at work… oye… lots of stuff to really think long and hard about…

IMG_6302on a good note for me – soccer games, beach days and eating fresh steamed crab and having a great company… i’m starting to get back into doing the things that i used to love before my depression decided to say good riddance to them… but at the same time i’m sure i didn’t fully let go of those things… having good company that enjoys them with you makes a big difference.

family – is family and they are there to support you even through your toughest times and I thank God that I have them on my side. I kept them out of a part of my life for a long time for a reason and yes I got used to dealing with things on my own… I don’t resent them for it at all, it was my own choice. Now, the ones that need to know, know, but now… i feel like i still should have kept it to myself, only because some of the reactions that i got i knew i was going to get. But besides that, i’ve gotten used to doing on my own that having them there and knowing is taking some getting used to… And now maybe I see it as God telling me that I need them for whatever reason it may be, maybe this is his answer to my prayers. The people he’s recently brought into my life is his answer to my prayers.

 

life’s a… and chances are…

I haven’t13119754_10209795170661698_3909736566166185526_o been myself at all these days. Not saying that the robot with fried wires is me but in a way that is what I feel like. Dealing with a lot of things that are foreign to me. Still trying to figure out life but who isn’t? We live our lives thinking that we can solve/deal with everything that life will throw at us… good and bad. But when we get to our wits end, pushed to the corner, run out of options to the point where things that you want to hide can’t help but spill out of you  to people that you thought you would never tell because you are afraid of what they might say before you even give them the chance to hear you out. Turns out it’s nothing but care and concern that comes from them. Still with all the chaos that I am going through, I still feel like I am truly blessed and that God still has not left my side and seems like he never will. Right now, hanging on to my faith and trusting God keeps me here.

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On the lighter side of life… I’m set to go on vacation tomorrow night. Managed to pack a 10 day trip into a tiny carry on suitcase… and an army of medication to get through the trip to Peru! woohoo! It looks bad but I’m a preventative maintenance type of person considering I’ve been a sickly kid all my life. So… Altitude pills for the Machu Picchu portion of the trip. Antibiotics just incase I catch something. Another for tummy issues, OTC meds and a mini first aid kit, of course my inhaler. But never ever forget the playdoh for my inner child.

I will try to post while I am gone if I can. If not, see you in 10 days!

 

 

hey batter batter

Our church plays softball every year and has a tournament among the UMC churches around L.A. The first year I was with the church, I practiced with them but was on vacation during the tournament. Last year, I fell down the stairs and injured my leg so I couldn’t play at all. This year, softball season started early. We played yesterday and I managed came out unscathed! Got a few good hits and a few runs in! Okay, yes, I’m the only girl in the group, but the rule is they have to have at least one girl playing on the team. Our opponents had to do the same. But hey, at least I can keep up with the guys!13047738_10154749048283835_7983177702825201587_o

Mochi got a day at the park and I guess she had fun because every time I saw her, her coat turned more brown than the last! She loves to roll around on the floor. By the end of the game, she was covered in dirt… she wasn’t my white dog with brown ears anymore, she was a brown dog! But hey, as long as she had fun right! Gave her a much deserved long bath after we got home… took me longer to get her clean cuz of all the dirt she brought home but after cleaning up, we both decided to knock out early. All in a good days fun!