life’s roller coasters

It’s been over a month and I haven’t got much to say only that life has been one massive roller coaster in the last few weeks. My last post mentioned my ongoing ordeal with depression and medication that hasn’t failed on me for 5 months, actually 6 months. Well I spoke too soon and now I am I’m in the process of changing medication again because they did fail on me. Sadly because of my depression, I am skeptical of any good changes that will take place until they actually do and I feel normal again.

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At the beginning of the month I was doing perfectly fine. Did my volunteer work and took pictures at a kid’s birthday party, got my Likin Park tattoo, I even planned a couple of days off to myself. One day I took Mochi to the dog beach and hung out with my cousin the rest of the day. The next day I went to El Matador State Beach in Malibu with a friend and even took a bit of a fall and scratched up both my arms on some rocks without breaking my $700 camera, phew, that was close. Went shopping the day after that.

All of a sudden, it hit me like a ton of bricks waaaay out of left field. The next day I was in bed all day, didn’t want to do anything, didn’t want to see anyone, didn’t want to talk to anyone, just leave me alone! As the days passed by, the depression got worse. I have a new ghost that hangs around and my demons are back. I’m afraid of my own room again. I’m afraid of looking in the mirror again. I have this heavy weight on my shoulders, emotionless, lifeless, I had no motivation to do anything, no motivation for life. Everything I did was forced. Even taking Mochi to the park was a huge task. I don’t want to run or train anymore. My half marathon coming up doesn’t matter to me anymore. I don’t care. I just don’t care! I thought about getting the semicolon tattoo at some point and it would be a promise to myself that I would never cross that line, but for some reason that promise is hard to swallow and I couldn’t get passed it. So why do it if I can’t even keep a promise to myself? My doctor says that these feelings will go away again once they get my medication back on track, I just gotta hang on and wait it out. And all I can think of is it’s in one ear and out the other. Like I said I’m skeptical about the change of medication working until maybe the third try… until then… I’ll just be indifferent about the whole thing.

 

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