Afraid to love again

So I’ve gone on a handful of first dates and none have gotten past that. I’ve never really had to think what if things did work out and there was a second or third date? Except once. Where would that lead to? What would happen? I went on a date with a guy a couple of weeks ago and he really really liked me. To be honest, it kinda scared me. It’s hard for me to remember how it felt like to be liked by another, let alone have them like me more than I liked them. But then again, this guy was going waaay too fast. I mean he was already asking me hypothetical questions like if in the long run things went well, would I move in with him? And do I think my family would like him? Hold on there bud! It’s only the first date. Now I know how guys feel when us girls go planning things out way too quickly. I guess men do it too. HA He asked me what my expectations were for our date and in all honesty, I said I didn’t have any, which was true. Only because I’ve been on so many dates and none of them have gone past the first so there is nothing to be expected. What can I say? I’m sure he didn’t like the answer, but I don’t lie. He told me I should or need to take risks in life and need to live life to the fullest, something along those lines. Believe me I do. I live my life. I have fun. I do what I want when I want, just not in that department. I’ve been hurt too many times. The wounds are deep and have healed, but the scars are there. I realize that I’m deathly afraid of really letting myself get into a relationship that I probably ruin my chances before it could even happen. Will I ever learn to love again? Or will I be too heavily guarded to even let anyone in?

Broken heart character icon in red color. Hurt love symbol.

 

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hopeless romantic part 2

What I want is the stuff made out of fairy tales, it could only happen in movies, this kind of stuff doesn’t happen in the real world… Hence my hopeless romantic side… I went on a couple of dates with this one guy. He drove all the way from Riverside twice to go on a date with me… these days, in the dating world, that says a lot. Things were going along just fine and then all of a sudden, poof, no communication for a week. So I decide to text him and ask “what gives?” and he says “he has to take a break from himself.” Just when I was starting to like him too. Oh well. Back to the hopeless romantic side even wishful thinking…

fullsizerender-31I would imagine that he would be show up at my office with flowers and say “I made a mistake and I really like you” or I get home and he’s waiting outside my apartment and says the same thing… But then reality kicks in and nope, no guy waiting out front with flowers waiting for me and I begin to think again that in all this crazy dating world, why do I put up with this stuff? Dating is so down right exhausting! One question that I always get asked is somewhere along the lines of where do you stand in your life or something along those lines, the other trying to figure out if this is a long term thing or just a fling… I find myself saying the same thing every time… I want to get married, I want to have kids, I want to have someone to share memories with, I want to have someone to cook for, and all that comes with having a family Then the song “My December” by Linking Park starts to play in my head… “And I give it all away, Just to have somewhere to go to. Give it all away, to have someone to come home to.” and in the same breath I say that I if I don’t find that someone and settle down with a family, that I am content with my life. I am okay with being alone, just me and my pets. We don’t need anyone. We have a happy home as it is.

On another note, I also have a tendency to say that I actually don’t need a guy around the house because my dad taught me how to fix things and I can take care of simple fixes. I’ve lived on my own for over 10 years now and even when I did live with someone, it still felt like I was living alone… okay getting off on a tangent… so the question is, do I have the tendency to shoo guys away because I am so overly independent? Maybe because they won’t feel like they are needed? But relationships aren’t just about fixing things around the house, although it would be nice to have some help with taking a whole bunch of groceries or big boxes from the car to the apartment.

I think about a time when I was in Oahu in 2014… my first day hiking at Diamond Head. There is a whole back story to it that I’m not going to get into but just to say that I had a lot of mixed emotions going on this solo trip. Anyway, back to hiking. I get to the top and turn to the ocean side of the view and OH MY GOSH the view was breathtaking! That doesn’t do it justice. I mean this immense amount of emotion flowing through me and seeing this beautiful scenery in front of me, I had no one to turn to and share the moment with. I just found a spot, sat on the rocks with tears rolling down my eyes and just soaked it in. It’s moments like that where I really wish there was someone to share it with. That is what I want. Did I say it enough? I know I’m being redundant here but, it really does get lonely and just want someone there. A companion. A confidant. A soul mate? I can go on and on about how much I want this but I’m not going to go there. Sigh, I wish my frog prince will come soon.

 

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