already having issues of really low self esteem growing up and after so many years and many different people telling you that you’re too happy or too sad or too emotional or why are you mad or you can’t be angry, you’re not allowed to cry or whatever it might be that they didn’t like about you…a few always said that to me… throughout the day, every day, every new emotion that I had… it gets really really confusing! already not knowing how to act and not being able to express any type of emotion and having to keep a straight face and just suck it up and make it seem like nothing ever happened. Then the flip side, why are you always so serious? WOW talk about stripping someone of any emotional capability. Then the next one says to me, “why don’t you dress like her, why don’t you dance like her, why don’t you listen to her type of music?” The next question should have been “Why aren’t you her?” and my response, “THEN WHY DON’T YOU DATE HER!?!” You’re not skinny enough, you’re thighs are bigger than my arms! and the list goes on! You forget who you are and how to react or even have a reaction to anything. Actually, I did, but no one ever knew. Outside, a straight face, or a face that everyone and anyone would accept, can’t show any hint of something they may not like. Inside, the aftermath of a never ending nuclear explosion of emotions. There is no making sense of anything at all. There is no reference point to even build from. The heart is broken to and maybe almost at the point of disintegrating into nothingness.
And yet I wonder how I ever and if I ever really was capable of really loving anyone? And if anyone really ever loved me back. All I ever really wanted was to be loved for who I am… who is that really? Who could love me considering that I couldn’t love myself or even know who I was? Even when given sincere compliments by anyone my reaction is “Uhm… thanks” and on the inside I’d be like, yea right!
Somewhere along the way there was one that cared enough… “I fell for the girl in pain” he said to me… and he listened, he saw me cry, he saw the emotions that I never dare show anyone else and he stayed. He taught me and showed me what it was like to be taken care of, to be loved for nothing more or nothing less than who I was and whatever I was going through at each moment. He LOVED me! and I truly LOVED him back! But our paths were going in different directions and I had to let him go. My heart ached, the pain was real, my heart was shattered once again. I went through heavier, most difficult times of my life back then up until now… even when we were no longer a couple, he still cared for me like no other. The unspoken love he has for me still shows to this day and I would rather have him as a friend than not have him in my life. But with me letting him go and he letting me go, was probably the best love that I had ever experienced… he let me grow, he let me learn to take care of me while standing in the sidelines making sure that I was ok. HE LET ME BE ME! and constantly reminds me that I am enough and that I don’t need to change anything about me. You hold a special place in my heart!
Sometimes I think I was meant to go through all the rough times to really appreciate what it truly means to love and to be loved.