to be loved

already having issues of really low self esteem growing up and after so many years and many different people telling you that you’re too happy or too sad or too emotional or why are you mad or you can’t be angry, you’re not allowed to cry or whatever it might be that they didn’t like about you…a few always said that to me… throughout the day, every day, every new emotion that I had… it gets really really confusing! already not knowing how to act and not being able to express any type of emotion and having to keep a straight face and just suck it up and make it seem like nothing ever happened. Then the flip side, why inner demonare you always so serious? WOW talk about stripping someone of any emotional capability. Then the next one says to me, “why don’t you dress like her, why don’t you dance like her, why don’t you listen to her type of music?” The next question should have been “Why aren’t you her?” and my response, “THEN WHY DON’T YOU DATE HER!?!” You’re not skinny enough, you’re thighs are bigger than my arms! and the list goes on! You forget who you are and how to react or even have a reaction to anything. Actually, I did, but no one ever knew. Outside, a straight face, or a face that everyone and anyone would accept, can’t show any hint of something they may not like. Inside, the aftermath of a never ending nuclear explosion of emotions. There is no making sense of anything at all. There is no reference point to even build from. The heart is broken to and maybe almost at the point of disintegrating into nothingness.

And yet I wonder how I ever and if I ever really was capable of really loving anyone? And if anyone really ever loved me back. All I ever really wanted was to be loved for who I am… who is that really? Who could love me considering that I couldn’t love myself or even know who I was? Even when given sincere compliments by anyone my reaction is “Uhm… thanks” and on the inside I’d be like, yea right!

Somewhere along the way there was one that cared enough… “I fell for the girl in pain” he said to me… and he listened, he saw me cry, he saw the emotions that I never dare show anyone else and he stayed. He taught me and showed me what it was like to be taken care of, to be loved for nothing more or nothing less than who I was and whatever I was going through at each moment. He LDSC06014OVED me! and I truly LOVED him back! But our paths were going in different directions and I had to let him go. My heart ached, the pain was real, my heart was shattered once again.  I went through heavier, most difficult times of my life back then up until now… even when we were no longer a couple, he still cared for me like no other. The unspoken love he has for me still shows to this day and I would rather have him as a friend than not have him in my life. But with me letting him go and he letting me go, was probably the best love that I had ever experienced… he let me grow, he let me learn to take care of me while standing in the sidelines making sure that I was ok. HE LET ME BE ME! and constantly reminds me that I am enough and that I don’t need to change anything about me. You hold a special place in my heart!

 

Sometimes I think I was meant to go through all the rough times to really appreciate what it truly means to love and to be loved.

 

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camping vs real camping

since I was a kid, my family would go on camping trips every year and oh how i looked forward to them. I mean we would go in big groups, entire families, cousins, aunts, uncles, friends and all. From Big Bear to Mammoth, Yosemite, and all over southern Cali. I remember we would bring pack soon much stuff with us, blankets, pillows, sleeping bags, you know, the necessities. Then came the kitchen stuff! I mean pots and pans, chopping boards, and tons and tons of food! I mean I know we gotta eat and all, so we pretty much brought the whole house if I really think about it, HAHA! Don’t forget the lamps and flashlights. And the camp sites were clean and came with actual facilities so that we could have hot showers, you just need quarters LOL… but oh it was fun and nice to be clean before going to bed after playing all day in the dirt and sand and being sticky after sunscreen and sweat dripping all over you…. eeewwww hahaha

And then, I ended up going camping on the whim over the 4th of July weekend. I must say, we weren’t prepared at all! We just packed clothes and a couple sleeping bags and a cooler with ice. No camping reservations. I mean we didn’t know what time we were going to leave in the first place. We ended up going to the grocery store on the way to the campsite and pretty much bought what we wanted to eat and easy to cook that didn’t require much attention… We had to buy a stove, kitchen knife, and a flashlight, just the bare minimum to get by. We got to Kernville and started looking for a spot. I really didn’t think you could go camping on the fly! All this time I know my mom had to make reservations far in advance to even get a spot and everything would be all planned out. But back to camping on the fly. We finally found a spot… or so we thought. Since the site wasn’t regulated, we just asked the nearby neighbors if we could plop down next to them since it was just me and one other person. No biggie. We were so close to the river, it was great! Somehow managed to pitch a broken tent after the sun had gone down and cook dinner and eat by 10pm. Oh by the way, we forgot a lighter! =O   We had to ask our neighbors for one every time we wanted to cook. Sheesh! Who knew having a lighter or source of fire would be so important when camping? Then time for bed, okay, so where is the bathroom so I could wash up? My friend points to the river. LOL What?!? I’ve never gone camping without a bathroom facility! LOL Yes I know I’m spoiled! Just a little. =P   So since this site was first come first serve, the spot we ended up with had nothing but rocks! So we ended up sleeping on a bed rock. HAHA HA HA

The next day, we wake up, made breakfast… managed to make some coffee, is a must! What to do now? lets go for a hike and find a spot near the river to hang the hammock. Sure! Brought some water and started walking. We found a spot, hung up the hammock, and decided to take a quick nap. Woke up since the sun was hitting our faces and decided to jump in the river. That felt OH SO GOOD! considering it was pretty hot during the day. swam around and somehow managed to float near our campsite. We decided to grab some snacks and more drinks and walk back to where we left our hammock. Found a new shady spot, hung around for a bit, ate some fruit, and back to sleep we go. The sun managed to follow us to every shady spot we found, but its ok, we would just jump back in the river to cool off. We headed back to the campsite for lunch. After lunch, another nap, wake up and jump in the river again… this side of the river had a bit of a stronger current, I lost my footing and got carried away and the current slammed me into a rock! That hurt! And oh yea, my friend had to come help me or I would have floated away further down the river… hahaha I probably coulda got up and fought but after hitting a rock, my leg was hurting! At the end of the day, even though it was a short camping trip, we decided to go home and not sleep on a bed of rocks for another night!

All we did was jump in the river, eat, and sleep for a day and a half. I mean I could get used to this! Not having to worry about anything at all. My mind had never been so at peace. Also, the company with you makes a big difference. Thanks for the great weekend! Lets do that again! =D

Am I angry with God?

I was having dinner with an old co-worker, more like a really good friend, and we were catching up over dinner the other night. I pretty much told her everything that has happened/is happening with me since we last saw each other a few months ago. At the end of the night, she asked me, “Are you angry with God?”

With everything that I have been through and continue to go through and because of my faith in God, I clearly and gladly said “No” and I smiled. If anything, God really has been my glimmer of hope. It has never failed that God clearly is watching over me and listens to and answers my prayers. It is through these really rough and trying times that I truly see God’s love for me. I know that God has not and will not give me anything that I can’t handle and if I feel like I can’t do it anymore, he will give me a way out!

1 Corinthians 10:13 – 13 No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.

And when I begin to stray away… something I wrote not too long ago… It is so easy for us to drift away from God and we don’t notice it. Then at least for me, I get to the point of “oh, i’m in a weird phase going through things” excuse. Almost as if I come back only when a message or something happens that I feel God tugging on my heart or sometimes even knocking really hard on my head if I’m being stubborn. And yet I continue to pray and question how many times will God take me back and forgive me this time around. But this is where I see God really work on me showing me that he truly cares and loves me. It is sad that it takes a dramatic event for me to notice him sometimes. I do miss the times that I just noticed that everything was being done by God and if it wasn’t for him, things would be a lot different.

Hebrews 2:1-4 – 1 We must pay the most careful attention, therefore, to what we have heard, so that we do not drift away. For since the message spoken through angels was binding, and every violation and disobedience received its just punishment, how shall we escape if we ignore so great a salvation? This salvation, which was first announced by the Lord, was confirmed to us by those who heard him. God also testified to it by signs, wonders and various miracles, and by gifts of the Holy Spirit distributed according to his will.

It is in God that I hang on to more than just a glimmer of hope. It is through my faith that I know God will be there to protect me. It is through His trust in me and my trust in Him that gives me strength to keep pushing through. And with that said, I end with this…

Jeremiah 29: 11-13 – 11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

God Bless!

 

misuse of words

It’s so sad when people over use or misuse depression so lightly as if it was just another emotion. It makes those who actually have the condition look like it’s just an excuse or are not taken seriously. I didn’t do a lot of research on it, but I see it happen all the time… someone doesn’t get something they want and say “I’m depressed now” or something along those lines… Pleaseeeeee people, don’t mistake sadness for depression!

If you want to know the difference, here is a link for you!

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-squeaky-wheel/201510/is-the-difference-between-sadness-and-depression