Afraid to love again

So I’ve gone on a handful of first dates and none have gotten past that. I’ve never really had to think what if things did work out and there was a second or third date? Except once. Where would that lead to? What would happen? I went on a date with a guy a couple of weeks ago and he really really liked me. To be honest, it kinda scared me. It’s hard for me to remember how it felt like to be liked by another, let alone have them like me more than I liked them. But then again, this guy was going waaay too fast. I mean he was already asking me hypothetical questions like if in the long run things went well, would I move in with him? And do I think my family would like him? Hold on there bud! It’s only the first date. Now I know how guys feel when us girls go planning things out way too quickly. I guess men do it too. HA He asked me what my expectations were for our date and in all honesty, I said I didn’t have any, which was true. Only because I’ve been on so many dates and none of them have gone past the first so there is nothing to be expected. What can I say? I’m sure he didn’t like the answer, but I don’t lie. He told me I should or need to take risks in life and need to live life to the fullest, something along those lines. Believe me I do. I live my life. I have fun. I do what I want when I want, just not in that department. I’ve been hurt too many times. The wounds are deep and have healed, but the scars are there. I realize that I’m deathly afraid of really letting myself get into a relationship that I probably ruin my chances before it could even happen. Will I ever learn to love again? Or will I be too heavily guarded to even let anyone in?

Broken heart character icon in red color. Hurt love symbol.

 

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I Want To Fly!

I want to fly and be free,┬ádream and be careless,┬áto travel with the wind and chase the sun and the moon and fly through then sky to see the universe and all of it’s wonders, to be weightless and to just be me. I want to fly!

I don’t want to follow or obey, I don’t want to feel restricted and tied down and be limited to what I can do and what I can think. I want to fly!

I don’t want to think or act, I want to not care and let the chaos come take me and swallow me whole down to the depths of my fears, rip my soul out and start all over again. I want to fly.

I want to fly and find who I really am inside and out, to be ready to face myself and the world again and for the first time in my life, be who I really am

I want to fly!

What am I doing with my life?

I got home today and I sat on the couch thinking… What am I doing with my life? (Deep sigh) I’m not necessarily going on a bad note but just really been doing some serious thinking here. I’m 37 years old. I’m not married. I don’t have kids. Not that I’m trying to jump on any bandwagon and not that being single is a bad thing either, but I just wonder, is there more to life than what I am doing? I often think, what is my purpose in this life if I haven’t got a family? I’ve done a lot of things as far as being single goes. I’ve been to London, Paris, Florence, Venice and Rome. I’ve been to Aruba. I’ve been to my fair share of the US states. I’ve jumped out of a plane three times already and would do it again at any time. I’ve tried rock climbing and snow boarding. I’ve entertained my artistic side. Got tattoos. I’m tired of the dating scene… It’s gotten me nowhere. I have two cats and a dog and without them, what am I doing here exactly? Not to entertain any thoughts of suicide but if they weren’t here, then what am I living for? What else is there for me to do? Am I just going to be doing the same routine for the rest of my life? What if there is no guy out there for me and I end up alone? I know I’ve said that I’m content with my life, but here I am questioning, what next? What else is there for me to do? What else is there to do in this life of ours? Are we meant to do anything? Is there a purpose to us being on this earth? Eat, sleep, work, sometimes play, repeat! not exactly in that order but you get the picture. In some of my older posts, I put that I was finally moving on with my life, but what does that exactly entail? Okay, okay, part of it was my art stuff. That I had fun doing. Meandering around the city not exactly knowing where I was going and just absorbing everything around me. I have this teeny tiny bit of a wish to go on with my photography but with a full time job, taking classes will be a challenge and going out to take pictures will require days off. Okay, I know I’m just making excuses. Lets say that in a year or two, I do fulfill that wish and get to do what I want with my photography? Then that step is over. Then what? I kinda solved a bit of my problem but it came back up again. I know I’m fast forwarding here but who doesn’t plan for their future? Where am I going to be in 5 years? Am I going to still be living in the same apartment, still single, obviously still loving my pets, they keep me alive, and then run into the same question. Now I’m back to square one. Sigh. Maybe I’m just trying to write out my rant to hopefully come to a conclusion that I know doesn’t exist, but maybe just a glimmer of hope? I guess not. Oh well, it was worth a shot. Til next time.

Hope