Self Image

During my early 20’s and even early 30’s I was still skinny and weighed about 130 pounds. I fit into everything nicely and I wasn’t as conscious about my body as I am now. I still cared about what I wore, nice, classy, dressed appropriately to whatever occasion I went to. When I started taking meds in 2016, one of the side effects of nearly all my medication was weight gain. So of course, after a couple of years, I gained a lot of weight. Years and years pass and here we are today. I won’t tell you how much I weigh because I don’t want the whole world to know but I gained a lot of weight and it has made me very, very, very, extremely self conscious. I wear big clothes to hide my figure. The bigger the better. I hate being in pictures. One thing I didn’t say is that I come from a family that has the high metabolism genes. Everyone on my mom’s side are skinny, even after have two or three kids. When I take a picture next to my mom and my sister, I look like I’m double their size. It’s horrible. I hate it! I don’t have any recent pictures of me because of that. And I don’t like to be in pictures. My dad’s side is a little more heavy set. I got my dad’s genes. So it wasn’t only the meds that made me gain weight, it was also in my genes.

I was so desperate to lose weight any which way I could so I tried just about everything. I tried the gym many times but failed. I got a dog and made her as an excuse so that I would walk her everyday. The problem is, she is a lazy walker. She takes her time sniffing everything in her path and she will only go around one block.

There was a time where I did run 2 miles every other day. I was training for the Disney half marathon. I trained for six months. I was on it like clock work. Fit it into my schedule how ever I could. On the weekends, I would add a mile to how much I ran the previous week. It felt really good. I felt good. And then of course I get hit with bronchitis a month and a half before the half marathon. By the time I got better, I only had one month left to train. It was soo hard to get back into training, but I did it anyway. I ran the Disney half marathon. It was hard but it was fun and if I had the chance, I would do it again.

My next thing was to get my mom’s elliptical machine to my apartment and said to my self that I would use it. I used it for the first two weeks, then of course something would happen so that I wouldn’t be able to work out and I would stop using it. The elliptical is a hard machine, I hated it. So I bought a treadmill. Put it right next to the elliptical. It was a cheapy one, $300 from Amazon. It did the job. I used it for about two months off and on and after that it was just another piece of furniture in the apartment. At some point, I don’t know what happened but I just didn’t want to work out anymore.

I did yoga on and off. I liked it but conflict of schedule so I had to stop. I even tried Cross Fit, it nearly killed me on the first day! At some point, I don’t know what happened but I just didn’t want to work out anymore, again. I know, I know, it all sounds like excuses, but I am extremely jealous of my mom’s side of the family! Why didn’t I get those genes. They eat anything they want and they don’t have to worry about gaining a single pound! I have to be conscious of what I eat because if I’m not, I will definitely gain weight. Ugh!

In between all the exercising, I tried all kinds of diets. You name it, I tried it. I did Keto. It worked the first time and I lost 12 pounds, but that was it. Every time after that just didn’t work. I tried Maggie Q’s diet for the trial period. It didn’t work, I sent it back so I got my money back. I tried some other diet pill that I saw on Instagram, same thing, it didn’t work. When I went on the cruise with my mom this summer, they offered a diet plan, pills, that were guarantied to work. Tried it for two months and on the second part of the plan, I gained weight almost immediately. Okay, call me desperate, but I was and I still am, I even tried GOLO. I feel pathetic. I know I should just go to the gym and do some cardio several times a week but my schedule doesn’t really allow for that. And I hate the gym, makes me feel even more self conscious.

So here’s the secret, my mom has been taking some sort of diet pill for some time now. She used to take it regularly but now she says she takes it when she has big meals or goes on vacation and eats everything in sight. She kinda knows how I feel about my body but I don’t think she really understands. It’s how I see myself so no matter what she might say to me, nice things and all, It won’t change the way I feel. I had to tell her about the diet pills on the cruise since she was with me and she would have seen it anyway. After all that, I really was ready to give up. I’ve exhausted all of my resources and I was tired of trying everything. My mom told me to try her diet pills. So I did. I tried other ones, one more won’t hurt. I took it for about a month and half and I wasn’t seeing any results so I stopped taking them. A week or two later my mom asked if I was still taking them and I said no because they were not working. She said it takes a while for it to work. So I started taking them again. I was slowly starting to lose weight. After about a week or two I started getting sick. The sight or smell of food made me want to throw up. It even went to the point where I couldn’t take my meds because if I put anything else in my mouth, I would throw up. That went on for about three or four weeks. I thought something was wrong with me but actually it was the diet pills that was making me sick. So I was losing weight because I wasn’t eating and at the same time taking the diet pills. Silver lining? I stopped taking the pills until my stomach settled down and I can stand food again. I started taking them again, yes I am desperate, but this time I would only take them in the morning. It’s been about two weeks and with from beginning up to now of taking this diet pill I have lost 10 pounds. WOOHOO! I notice that my clothes are not a little bit loose now. I fit in the dress that I just bought and the image of myself has gotten a tiny boost. I’ll keep taking the diet pills and see where things are in another few months. Crossing fingers!!!

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