not quite an open book

I have a hard time talking about my depression. It’s easier for me to stay away from people, no one gets hurt and I don’t become a burden to anyone. A lot of people tell me that I could talk to them and that they are there for me. Unfortunately, like many of us, there are only certain people that we can confide in. So with that being said, thank you, but no thank you in the most sincere way. But then, there comes a time when I do try to open up to someone. I give very subtle hints and maybe they may not even be noticeable so it is at no fault to that person if they don’t notice it. Instead of picking up on my hint, they tell me to do something else and the conversation is over. At the same time it turns me further away from trying to talk about things and am reminded of why I don’t dare try to bring things up and then hide them even more. It’s ok, I’m used to it. I’ve hid it for a very long time and it is extremely hard for me to talk about in the first place. I don’t know when or if there will ever be a time that I talk about it outside of my therapist’s office. I mean sometimes I have a lot of things to say and others, there is absolutely nothing. Nothing at all, just stuck in a state of mind. Truth be told, I am afraid of openly talking about it because I really don’t know what the other person is going to say and I don’t know what to expect from them either. I am afraid that they will say something that will offend me or vice versa and then we end up getting mad at each other because of the misunderstanding. I know I haven’t given it a chance so I shouldn’t even be critical of it, but it really scares me to talk about it. If I end up somehow talking about it, it is very very surface level, nothing to really know exactly what is going on, just that I’m in an off mood or I’m not myself today or something doesn’t feel right, whatever excuse I can come up with to dodge the conversation. I never really liked the attention either. So, it’s just going to be an ongoing battle of what should I do?

salon-du-livre-castelsarrasin

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What am I doing with my life?

I got home today and I sat on the couch thinking… What am I doing with my life? (Deep sigh) I’m not necessarily going on a bad note but just really been doing some serious thinking here. I’m 37 years old. I’m not married. I don’t have kids. Not that I’m trying to jump on any bandwagon and not that being single is a bad thing either, but I just wonder, is there more to life than what I am doing? I often think, what is my purpose in this life if I haven’t got a family? I’ve done a lot of things as far as being single goes. I’ve been to London, Paris, Florence, Venice and Rome. I’ve been to Aruba. I’ve been to my fair share of the US states. I’ve jumped out of a plane three times already and would do it again at any time. I’ve tried rock climbing and snow boarding. I’ve entertained my artistic side. Got tattoos. I’m tired of the dating scene… It’s gotten me nowhere. I have two cats and a dog and without them, what am I doing here exactly? Not to entertain any thoughts of suicide but if they weren’t here, then what am I living for? What else is there for me to do? Am I just going to be doing the same routine for the rest of my life? What if there is no guy out there for me and I end up alone? I know I’ve said that I’m content with my life, but here I am questioning, what next? What else is there for me to do? What else is there to do in this life of ours? Are we meant to do anything? Is there a purpose to us being on this earth? Eat, sleep, work, sometimes play, repeat! not exactly in that order but you get the picture. In some of my older posts, I put that I was finally moving on with my life, but what does that exactly entail? Okay, okay, part of it was my art stuff. That I had fun doing. Meandering around the city not exactly knowing where I was going and just absorbing everything around me. I have this teeny tiny bit of a wish to go on with my photography but with a full time job, taking classes will be a challenge and going out to take pictures will require days off. Okay, I know I’m just making excuses. Lets say that in a year or two, I do fulfill that wish and get to do what I want with my photography? Then that step is over. Then what? I kinda solved a bit of my problem but it came back up again. I know I’m fast forwarding here but who doesn’t plan for their future? Where am I going to be in 5 years? Am I going to still be living in the same apartment, still single, obviously still loving my pets, they keep me alive, and then run into the same question. Now I’m back to square one. Sigh. Maybe I’m just trying to write out my rant to hopefully come to a conclusion that I know doesn’t exist, but maybe just a glimmer of hope? I guess not. Oh well, it was worth a shot. Til next time.

Hope

don’t think you know me

I’ve only told a hand full of people who really know what’s going on with me and I’d like to keep it that way. I recently reconnected with someone, one of the ones that I have told more about me than I would have liked to. I didn’t get into much detail, just the basics of what it was. We had dinner and hung out one night. We talked over the weekend, then maybe silence for a day or two, okay, maybe three. All of a sudden I get a message saying “I feel like you dumped me. I feel like you, like how you feel when those guys on the dating sites just stop talking to you.” Okay. Really! It was maybe one or two days that I didn’t talk to you! I had other things going on! The world doesn’t revolve around you. And really, when you reconnect with someone, you don’t hang out as often as you used too. So, I apologized. And then they said it again but in a different way, “You treated me like those guys treated you on the those dating sites.” Again, I apologized profusely! Why am I the one having to apologize?!? I didn’t do anything wrong!!! So I told them, and this is true, like I have to justify anything to anyone, I had a depressive episode and I’m sorry that you got caught in the line of fire. It just happened to be at the same time that I shut down and hid from the world. They go to say that “I don’t have to hide from them and that they know my world because I’ve shared it with them before, they know me and they are trying to bring it out of me.” OKAY!!! FIRST OF ALL, YOU DON’T KNOW ME! You only know what I told you, which isn’t everything! SECOND, DON’T TRY TO FIX ME!!! Don’t try to bring things out of me, I have my own way of dealing with things. If the people closest to me don’t even know everything that is going on with me, including my best friend that I talk to everyday, and I still hide from him, still don’t tell him everything, what makes you think I would tell you everything and fix everything just for you?!? THIRD Don’t try to use what you know about me against me! If you claim to say that you understand what I am dealing with, then we wouldn’t be having this conversation! I wouldn’t have to explain myself to you! I’m dealing with a lot of SHIT right now and I don’t need you to make it worse. If you push me I will drop you like those guys do to me on the dating sites! I am a nice person, but don’t push my buttons!

You can spend all of your time with someone and still not know everything about them. Everyone has secrets.