hopeless romantic part 2

What I want is the stuff made out of fairy tales, it could only happen in movies, this kind of stuff doesn’t happen in the real world… Hence my hopeless romantic side… I went on a couple of dates with this one guy. He drove all the way from Riverside twice to go on a date with me… these days, in the dating world, that says a lot. Things were going along just fine and then all of a sudden, poof, no communication for a week. So I decide to text him and ask “what gives?” and he says “he has to take a break from himself.” Just when I was starting to like him too. Oh well. Back to the hopeless romantic side even wishful thinking…

fullsizerender-31I would imagine that he would be show up at my office with flowers and say “I made a mistake and I really like you” or I get home and he’s waiting outside my apartment and says the same thing… But then reality kicks in and nope, no guy waiting out front with flowers waiting for me and I begin to think again that in all this crazy dating world, why do I put up with this stuff? Dating is so down right exhausting! One question that I always get asked is somewhere along the lines of where do you stand in your life or something along those lines, the other trying to figure out if this is a long term thing or just a fling… I find myself saying the same thing every time… I want to get married, I want to have kids, I want to have someone to share memories with, I want to have someone to cook for, and all that comes with having a family Then the song “My December” by Linking Park starts to play in my head… “And I give it all away, Just to have somewhere to go to. Give it all away, to have someone to come home to.” and in the same breath I say that I if I don’t find that someone and settle down with a family, that I am content with my life. I am okay with being alone, just me and my pets. We don’t need anyone. We have a happy home as it is.

On another note, I also have a tendency to say that I actually don’t need a guy around the house because my dad taught me how to fix things and I can take care of simple fixes. I’ve lived on my own for over 10 years now and even when I did live with someone, it still felt like I was living alone… okay getting off on a tangent… so the question is, do I have the tendency to shoo guys away because I am so overly independent? Maybe because they won’t feel like they are needed? But relationships aren’t just about fixing things around the house, although it would be nice to have some help with taking a whole bunch of groceries or big boxes from the car to the apartment.

I think about a time when I was in Oahu in 2014… my first day hiking at Diamond Head. There is a whole back story to it that I’m not going to get into but just to say that I had a lot of mixed emotions going on this solo trip. Anyway, back to hiking. I get to the top and turn to the ocean side of the view and OH MY GOSH the view was breathtaking! That doesn’t do it justice. I mean this immense amount of emotion flowing through me and seeing this beautiful scenery in front of me, I had no one to turn to and share the moment with. I just found a spot, sat on the rocks with tears rolling down my eyes and just soaked it in. It’s moments like that where I really wish there was someone to share it with. That is what I want. Did I say it enough? I know I’m being redundant here but, it really does get lonely and just want someone there. A companion. A confidant. A soul mate? I can go on and on about how much I want this but I’m not going to go there. Sigh, I wish my frog prince will come soon.

 

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Discovering L.A. through Art

So lately I’ve been going on tours in and around Los Angeles checking out street art courtesy of Cart Wheel Art Tours. On top of that, I’ve been doing my own walking around and finding my own way around. I’ve found a new passion in getting to know the city I’ve lived in and around my whole life through the hidden gems lurking around all over town.

It started when I went on this tour near Filipino Town in L.A. through Gabba Gallery, Cart Wheel Art Tours, and Atlas Obscura. The tour took us through several back alleys of a small section of that neighborhood and I fell in love!

All this time my passion for art was in paintings and going to gallery museums and exhibits. Who knew that there was this other type of art out there that couldn’t be put anywhere but in the back alleys of the streets of Los Angeles.

One weekend, I went to a couple open exhibits in West Hollywood. On the outside of the building were these wall murals of different characters like the monopoly guy. After I went into the exhibit, I decided to explore the area. I started to walk down one side of Melrose Ave and found more street art. I even came across a wall #7575 Melrose Street Art Wall. Melrose Ave has it’s own hashtag! I found several other installations of art that I’ve seen from other tours in LA. There was one that I really liked “From the dirt a flower must grow.”

It’s one of my favorite ones. I also came across one of those wings that you stand in front of and it looks like you have wings. Totally cool! Yes I know, weird language for me. Now I’m on a mission to find the rest in LA.

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By the way, I am having sooooo much fun with this, it’s hard to put it down into words. I’m on an mission! This is just the beginning, until the next time.

Moving on with my life

If you’ve been reading my past blogs, I’ve been through some rough times and have been dealing with depression and other things that life has thrown at me, but who isn’t. I’ve gotten help and am currently undergoing treatment and it seems that the concoction of medicationScreenshot_2017-07-18-16-47-29 they have me under is keeping me normal. For 5 months now, none of my meds have failed on me, phew, that’s a relief. I don’t like going through set backs and becoming a guinea pig with trying to find a new medication that will work. It doesn’t seem like a long time, I mean come on, 5 months? But it feels like a lifetime for me. Before, 1 day of being normal, normal as in not being down in the dumps crying all the time lethargic feeling like a dead weight, was a big deal. Now I’ve been normal for 5 months. Yes, I’m going to rant about it because normal means my clumsy, quirky, weird self is back and I’m back to making fun of myself for all my “duh” moments.

​A couple of months ago, I found out that the guy that I was in love with started dating someone else. A knife to the heart. Not that he wasn’t allowed to, we weren’t even talking at the time so why should I care? Because I was still in love with him, DUH! <– Duh moment…. ​Even though we weren’t even talking, let alone have any sort of relationship at the time, it still felt like I was breaking up with him all over again. Side note… he was my ex-boyfriend. He was a good guy, he didn’t do anything wrong, it just wasn’t our time and our lives were going in different directions. You can’t force an issue. Anyway, so my heart felt like it was ripped open once again and I’m moping around being jealous because now someone else has all his attention and it’s not me.

It didn’t take me long, a few days, of being sad and mopey about the whole situation, but in the midst of talking it over with my sister and the reality of it all, I had an epiphany, a “light bulb” moment (from Despicable Me). light bulbI realized why I still loved him and why we weren’t together and why it all just made sense and the puzzle pieces magically just fit together. At that moment, instead of being mopey and sad and jealous about the situation, I decided to turn this negative to a positive. I’ve been hung up on this guy for so long that I didn’t realize I was putting my own life on hold. I needed him to move on so that I could move on. I know that sounds pathetic, but maybe, just maybe, I was still hanging on to the hopes of us getting back together? Even if a potential good guy came along, I wouldn’t have known. Love is blind!

Time heals all wounds. I could say that now, I don’t think about it or him and him dating doesn’t bother me anymore, I don’t miss him anymore. That’s a good thing. I’m finally moving on with my life. I’M FINALLY MOVING ON WITH MY LIFE! Yes I have to repeat that because it has been on hold for a very long time. (When you are that much in love with someone, if you’re not careful, there is a tendency that you might loose yourself in the process.) My life doesn’t revolve around his anymore. I’ve finally thought about what is it that I like to do? Not what he likes to do. What do I like to eat? and I’ve realized I’m actually a picky eater. I’m doing what I always like to do when I want to do them because I want to do them. It’s like I’ve graduated. I’ve grown up. I’ve become an adult and I’m laughing at myself as I write this because it just FEELS SO GOSH DARN GOOD and why did it take me so long to get here? That’s life’s lesson for you.

back into the swing of things

So I am training for the Disney half marathon in September, or so I was. I started back in May and I had this gigantic, nothing could stop me type of attitude and motivation for something that I have never thought of ever doing in my life. When I had first mentioned this so called half marathon to some of my family members, they were somewhat afraid for me. Maybe because I am a sickly person and I have a slight case of asthma and I haven’t worked out in a very long time. Physical and mental battle or not, this half marathon wasn’t going to scare me one bit. I downloaded a training schedule that Disney had graciously provided for beginners and it pretty much lays it out for you; when to run, how long to run, and so on, all the way to how your form should be while you are running. This was great since I’ve never ran a marathon before, let alone know where to begin when it comes to training. Oh and I bought a fitbit to go along with tracking my progress through all of this and invested in proper running shoes.shoes

So fast forward back to May 2nd, the first day of my official training. Ready to run the first 2 miles of this half marathon journey? No, not really, but I’m going to go for it. Off I went, and boy did I realize how out of shape I was. I didn’t even get to the end of the block before I started huffing and puffing and had to start walking. After my first mile, all I could think about was can the second mile just come to me and I can be done with it? The first couple of weeks were a challenge to get through. After that it got easier and it became a part of my normal routine. Tuesday, Thursday evenings or every other day, whatever worked out. It was perfect, after getting home from work it was straight to the park with Mochi for an hour or so, then back home and off I went to run my easy pease two miles. I actually looked forward to the days I ran. On the weekends, the training schedule started with two miles and added a mile every week. I started feeling more energized, sleeping better and just an overall extra burst of good moods. Then SMACK dab right in the middle of training I get hit with a bad case of bronchitis. I didn’t have the body aches or fever, but I had the sniffling and coughing and the worst part, it was affecting my breathing. I still had the energy and still felt like running, but I had to stop myself and let my body rest. Gosh darn it. This thing had me out for two weeks.

So I’m all better now and I have to get back to training. OH MY GOSH is it so hard to get my motivation back. I’ve been sitting on my butt for two weeks and my body just got used to not doing anything. I’m on my first day back to running and my legs have become permanent weights that don’t want to move and my feet are just blocks of cement. Still I push through and I feel like I’ve started back to the first day of training. As if I haven’t even trained one day for this marathon. Oye vey. I feel it all over, my energy is down, my sleep is not the same, I’m tired during the days. Am I being too hard on myself? Well of course! the marathon is two months away! TWO MONTHS! That’s not a very long time and the long runs on Saturdays are getting longer and there is no way in hell am I even close to being ready for it. Okay there I said it. The first glimpse of me actually being scared of this half marathon. I mean I don’t want to do this marathon and be one of the last ones to finish. I mean my goal is to finish, this is, after all, my first half marathon, heck, my first running event ever; I just don’t want to be at the tail end of the marathon.

I have to find my motivation again. I didn’t run tonight just because I spent a little more time at the park with Mochi. Tomorrow is a two mile run day and Saturday is supposed to be 9.5 miles. I gotta find that motivation sooner or later.

 

I got to FLY!!!

Every time I am asked the question “What do you want to do?” my answer has been and always will be and I will quote from the movie Ever After when the prince asks Cinderella “is there anything you don’t do?” and she answers back in  the most  satisfying confident way as she looks up at the sky and closes her eyes and reads her arms wide open, “FLY.”

The good news is that I’ve gotten to FLY (sky diving) 3 times already and would do it over and over again. To feel so free, to fly with the birds, to be closer to the sun, to be so high off the ground, to hear peace and quiet thousands of feet in the air; there is nothing quite like it.

The first time, I think in 2009, was for a friend that was supposedly going to move to Thailand for good and it was his goodbye party, sort of. We went to the one in Temecula. Signed up for the entire package, video, pictures and all since it was our well my first time. Didn’t think I was going to do it ever again. We suited up and got our pre flight training. Off to the tiny dinky little plane we went and they managed to shove 20 people in there like sardines. You get the divers, the professional jumpers, the camera crew, and a few extras training or just doing it for fun. One by one we fell out of the plane. It was funny hearing my friends scream die out as she fell further away from the plane and scary at the same time because that meant I was next. DUN DUN DUN there is no backing out now!

3 2 1 go fall out of the plane! Screaming didn’t last too long, free falling was kind of fun, letting the wind catch you and it felt like you were just floating in mid air not to mention all you skin flapping about HAHA HAHAHAHAHA Okay I’m just laughing at myself now… No really, that is what I saw and that’s what really happens. Oh wait, don’t forget to say4788_1163932984223_1886901_n HI to your camera man! and oh yeah SMILE! Try doing that without having all the wind go into your mouth all at once… hahaha And now the guy strapped to your back finally pulls the chute. Oh so peaceful. We were having a normal conversation and just cruising around in the open air. That was the best feeling I’ve ever had I’ve forgotten that I just fell out of a plane however many thousands of feet off the ground. We finally landed and I was screaming and yelling WOOHOO YEAAAAHHH LET’S DO THAT AGAIN! I loved it so much that I even considered doing the training to get certified and jump on my own.

The second jump was in Taft, California. It was for my birthday December 2013. It was only two of us this time around. We get to the site and it was very different from my first experience. Small air space with no real solid buildings around. We checked in. They geared us up. We were kind of scared since the weather didn’t look so good. Mid December, cloudy skies, not your ideal forecast for skydiving right but they still booked us anyway. We see this tiny little plane come in and it looks questionable. It was one of those small planes that have the propellors on them. It looked like they pulled the back seats off and laid carpet on the floor. You could probably only fit about 5 people in there. On the inside, there were parts held up with duct tape, scary. But off we went. As we ascended higher, we were flying through thick clouds, we couldn’t even see above or below them. We get to our altitude and we are ready to jump out of the plane. My friend DCIM100GOPROwent first. Oh and the cameras were just attached to our jumpers wrists. It turned out that the camera on my friend’s jumper was not working so they were sitting at the edge of the plane trying to fix the darn thing. Oh and by the way, my friend is afraid of heights, imagine that. And there they go. I was next. We fell out, spun a little, fell through clouds, sleet, some rain, it was freezing cold I couldn’t even pay attention to the view. The next thing I knew we were on the ground. Still was fun, but not the same as the first. Nice way to spend my birthday.

The third time was in Oceanside with some church buddies. This one was, I guess you could say, extra special. A week before the jump, I found out that one of my best friends from college passed away ( I wrote about it in one of my other blogs “loss of a special friend”), DCIM100GOPROG0078488.I didn’t know if I was going to do the jump or not. Some people told me I shouldn’t go, some people told me I should because it would help get my mind off of things. I did it anyway and I’m glad I did. I took one of our old pictures and wrote a message on the back of it and had planned to let it go mid air. The cool thing was I told my instructor about it and he was like sure and caught the whole thing on camera. The best part was the jump was during sunset overlooking the ocean and I got to say goodbye to my friend in a way I thought she would appreciate.

I suppose I should’ve written about this some time ago since it is something that I truly enjoy, but it’s okay. I never thought I would ago skydiving once, let alone three times.

I LOVE TO FLY and I will continue to do it over and over again.

I’ve finally found Myself

It took a very long time and a lot of tough times but I’ve finally found myself. A self that I am happy with, that I am more than satisfied with, that I can create new memories with, do the things that I’ve always wanted to do with, and be happy growing old with.

For the first time in my life did I choose to take care of me, listen to my feelings and not ignore them or push them aside for the betterment of anyone else and to be quite honest, it felt really really good. I have this immense craving for life, a life that I can live to the fullest. I’ve found clarity and direction of where I want to go and what I want to do without having to follow what anyone tells me to do. This is me, this is who I want to be. I jump for joy at the thought that there is absolutely nothing or no one else I need in life to make me the happiest person on this earth but myself. I find pure happiness in coming home to my dog who greats me lovingly everyday and taking her to the park then coming home and watching TV and sharing ice cream together. Don’t forget the two mellow cats who constantly meow for attention and food. I sing at the top of my lungs on the drive home because I can and because I want to and I enjoy listening to music that much. I write in my journal everyday to spout out my feelings good or bad. I can finally go after my dreams and work on my photography like I always wanted to. I can get back into my writing because I have always wanted to write. I can indulge in a decadent warm chocolate soufflé because I want to without worry about my figure or gaining weight. And ladies and gentlemen, after all these years, I finally! finally! am comfortable in my own skin! Can look myself in the mirror and be happy with the person looking back at me. There is soooo much more, this is not all of it, but all of this just because I finally decided that it was time to take care of me. I feel like I woke up from a deep sleep, waiting for the perfect moment to spring back to life and feel ALIVE!

on the up and up

It’s been a crazy month but that phrase doesn’t seem to change for me does it? but it’s ok, things are going good… it was bad for some time, maybe too long in my book but what is good without the bad? it’s what makes the good even better right?!? I do miss writing, i miss my random rants about anything and everything and my mind has been on soooo many road trips good and bad… half and half too… at this point I’m back to rambling before i even get to the meat of the subject but that’s how i normally am right? besides, what is normal? heck i don’t know? who’s to determine what that should be? and besides the normal ones are weird and the weird ones are normal… so there… if that doesn’t make sense to you… it’s not supposed to.. haha i feel like i’m finding myself again, i miss me, a lot! nice to have you back! it’s good to be back! i’ve made it another year, woohoo! i’m doing a lot better than expected of myself, medicine is doing its job.

15078677_10211575985380953_6371228842385683589_nso i’ve set some new goals… i submitted Mochi’s picture for a calendar for 2018, hopefully it gets on there. i submitted other pictures as well. The cats are out and about getting along with Mochi dog. I signed up for a Disney Half Marathon in September, a Hillsong Conference in November, and I’m back in my piano lessons… notice that these are all for the next year if not two so i’m doing some reaching here… that’s good cuz i used to not be able to look past one day. Oh yeah I switched jobs, back to my old job and I am much happier! feels like home. I feel like I made the right decision and I’m happy with my decision.

With All of that said there is still only one person to thank for all of this, God! God is and will always be there to support me, listen to my hearts cries, and answer my prayers. Last weekend at my retreat, with the help of Pastor Tim, he confirmed all of this for me. That God has always been there, that God has always listened, and that God answers prayers. Pastor Tim told me things that came from God that were some of my deepest darkest secrets and deepest prayers, and yet through Pastor Tim, God speaks to me. Faith grows that much stronger.