i beat you to it

I meet a guy. We go out on a few dates, talk/text and obviously like each other. Then things get start to get rocky on my end, personal stuff, I have another episode. I end up leaving the guy in the dark because I don’t want to talk about it. In a day or two I say goodbye to the person and send them on their way because I want to be fair to them. I don’t want to leave them hanging and feel helpless because I won’t let them into my mess. And we’re back to shutting people out. Damn, I’m getting really good at this!

First of all, I want to be fair to them. I don’t know how long my episode(s) will last and each time it’s different. They will just be left in the dark because I don’t want to talk about it, especially because I barely know them. They will end up feeling helpless because they want to help but don’t know how. Not their fault. At the same time, I’m dealing with this episode and it’s consuming me and the last thing I want to have to worry about is entertaining this guy every now and then so he knows that I’m alive. The last thing you want to worry about when you’re depressed is another person. I don’t mean to be cold, but it’s true.

Second, I don’t want to have to explain myself for anything that happens. Why this or why that? Things that are out of my control. I don’t want to have to explain for you to understand. I don’t want to have to repeat what I’ve told others already… It’s exhausting just hearing about it and I don’t want to bore you or make you worry. I barely know you.

Third, I think that I am too much to handle. I come with a lot of baggage. I’m a huge complicated mess. I’m a lot to deal with. A person can say that they can handle it right now, but what about later down the road? Years later? How will you feel then? I don’t want to be a burden to anyone and I certainly don’t want them to resent me for what I end up putting them through because of my situation. So I beat them to the punch, I leave before any harm can be done. I leave before I could cause them any pain. I leave before they could cause me any pain.

It will be hard for any guy to come into my life because of this. You would have to be really really special to get past my walls. For me to talk to you about what I go through in my darkest moments will be your ticket in. Good Luck! and good luck to me if I ever find that guy that I will actually let into my life.

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are you ready?

I don’t think you are ready for me. I don’t think you are ready to see the deepest darkest side of me. You say you want to be there for me and want to be the person that I turn to, but you turn me away when I needed you most. Even if it was just to talk. It makes me not want to say things to you anymore. You accept the present part of me and want to focus on the future, but what is the future without the past? The past makes us who we are now. Unfortunately there are some things from my past that continue to haunt me, that I have to struggle through and try to move on from, but you have to accept that part of me too. I don’t expect you to understand everything that I tell you or have an answer or say anything for that matter, I just need you to be there. I told you that I am broken and that there are parts of me that need a deeper understanding. You told me that you made your choice and that you knew what you were getting into, but did you really? I think maybe, you bit off more than you could chew. I don’t want you to feel inadequate because you don’t know how to handle my situation. You won’t have the answer to everything. Just don’t turn me away when I try to open up to you. I don’t expect you to make any sense of my overly imaginative, chaotic, extremely complicated world in the beginning, it will definitely take a lot of time to navigate through that messy of a maze where even I, sometimes get lost. Just don’t make promises you can’t keep and don’t fill me with empty words. I’ve had my heart tangled with, messed up and shattered to a million pieces already, I don’t need to add anything else to that list. The only thing I expect from you is to just be yourself and don’t try so hard that you set yourself up for disappointment.

hopeless romantic part 2

What I want is the stuff made out of fairy tales, it could only happen in movies, this kind of stuff doesn’t happen in the real world… Hence my hopeless romantic side… I went on a couple of dates with this one guy. He drove all the way from Riverside twice to go on a date with me… these days, in the dating world, that says a lot. Things were going along just fine and then all of a sudden, poof, no communication for a week. So I decide to text him and ask “what gives?” and he says “he has to take a break from himself.” Just when I was starting to like him too. Oh well. Back to the hopeless romantic side even wishful thinking…

fullsizerender-31I would imagine that he would be show up at my office with flowers and say “I made a mistake and I really like you” or I get home and he’s waiting outside my apartment and says the same thing… But then reality kicks in and nope, no guy waiting out front with flowers waiting for me and I begin to think again that in all this crazy dating world, why do I put up with this stuff? Dating is so down right exhausting! One question that I always get asked is somewhere along the lines of where do you stand in your life or something along those lines, the other trying to figure out if this is a long term thing or just a fling… I find myself saying the same thing every time… I want to get married, I want to have kids, I want to have someone to share memories with, I want to have someone to cook for, and all that comes with having a family Then the song “My December” by Linking Park starts to play in my head… “And I give it all away, Just to have somewhere to go to. Give it all away, to have someone to come home to.” and in the same breath I say that I if I don’t find that someone and settle down with a family, that I am content with my life. I am okay with being alone, just me and my pets. We don’t need anyone. We have a happy home as it is.

On another note, I also have a tendency to say that I actually don’t need a guy around the house because my dad taught me how to fix things and I can take care of simple fixes. I’ve lived on my own for over 10 years now and even when I did live with someone, it still felt like I was living alone… okay getting off on a tangent… so the question is, do I have the tendency to shoo guys away because I am so overly independent? Maybe because they won’t feel like they are needed? But relationships aren’t just about fixing things around the house, although it would be nice to have some help with taking a whole bunch of groceries or big boxes from the car to the apartment.

I think about a time when I was in Oahu in 2014… my first day hiking at Diamond Head. There is a whole back story to it that I’m not going to get into but just to say that I had a lot of mixed emotions going on this solo trip. Anyway, back to hiking. I get to the top and turn to the ocean side of the view and OH MY GOSH the view was breathtaking! That doesn’t do it justice. I mean this immense amount of emotion flowing through me and seeing this beautiful scenery in front of me, I had no one to turn to and share the moment with. I just found a spot, sat on the rocks with tears rolling down my eyes and just soaked it in. It’s moments like that where I really wish there was someone to share it with. That is what I want. Did I say it enough? I know I’m being redundant here but, it really does get lonely and just want someone there. A companion. A confidant. A soul mate? I can go on and on about how much I want this but I’m not going to go there. Sigh, I wish my frog prince will come soon.

 

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hopeless romantic

To love and to be loved… that is what I long for.

I’ve had my fair share of broken hearts and I don’t want it anymore. It hurts really bad you know! I mean it really really hurts! To pour all your heart and soul, everything you have, everything you would give and could give, to a person, to a relationship that you hope would last a lifetime. All for it to fall apart in the end. You feel your heart trying to break free out of your chest and fall to the ground like porcelain and shatter to a million pieces. You try to gasp for air but the air is thin. The weight of the world on your shoulders. The skies turn grey. There is no light at the end of the tunnel. Time and time again. To the point where I gave up on love. I walked away. I walked away from the pain. I walked away from the thought of ever having my heart be broken again.

After 3 years,my heart has had time and managed to put itself back together again. My lungs have air to breathe again and the pain has healed. Not to say if I’m ready to love again, that I don’t quite know. I’m still heavily guarded and have a hard time trusting anyone that tries to get too close. I was chit chatting with my doctor on one of my routine visits and she asked about my love life… I said it was non-existent because it is, but she was not having it. She said, and I quote, “You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince.” That kind of stuck with me. With that being said, I’m back into this so called online dating, I will call it a game, thing. Now I have tried online dating before and there are some mean guys out there I tell you! This time around I’ve ended up with a couple of funny stories, some odd ones, some WHAT THE?!? ones, and you get the picture.

So here goes…

I don’t know if I was being too critical of this guy but you gotta hear me out… We met on POF. He had a cute picture. We started messaging each other and eventually exchanged numbers. From then the text messages were overflowing and at some point we started talking on the phone. One night we were talking for two hours. The next night three. The next night four hours! I mean everything about this guy was going so well! We clicked on so many levels from politics to religion. We finally set up a date. We were going to Universal Citywalk to have lunch and watch a movie. When I walked out of my apartment to go meet him, my jaw dropped to the floor and my heart sank. He did not look at all like his picture! Not even the slightest bit, ok maybe a smidgen? I could not recognize him. How I knew it was him was he had the pig humidifier that we had spoke about. He also carried I guess what you can say was a satchel. So I proceed to say hello and went on the date anyway. We headed to Universal and decided to get lunch before the movie. Okay, normally, on the first date, you sit across from each other but the table that they gave us was an L shape. I sat on one side thinking he was going to sit on the other… NOPE he scooted all the way halfway into my side and squished right next to me. Personal space dude! I couldn’t speak up because I was still trying to figure out if he kinda looked like his picture or not. So we got our food. Our conversation was not like it was over the phone. It was broken, we couldn’t carry a conversation. There was a lot of awkward silence between us. Okay, I understand that it’s different when you meet someone in person versus talking on the phone, but still. After lunch we went to go watch Wonder. It was a bit of a tear jerker… Okay, here is where I don’t know if I’m being too critical. I don’t know you tell me. So, tear jerker movie, I’m sniffling and he notices and he pulls out a pack of tissue from his satchel! I mean thank you. But guys don’t normally carry tissue with them!!! I was totally weirded out and again a jaw dropping moment in this whole thing. So am I being too critical? After the movie he asked me if I wanted coffee, I said no but if he wanted to get something, he could, and he did. More awkward silence while we sat and he sipped his coffee. He asked if I still wanted to go to Universal Studios, mind you it was 6:00 pm. I said no and I had to get home to walk Mochi. He asked if he could join me to walk Mochi and I said no. Got home, date over, FINALLY! Boy  that was painful. No text or phone calls exchanged that evening. The next day he texts me saying he had a good time and asked when could we have our second date? I was honest and said that he was a good guy and we had a lot of things in common but I thought we should just be friends. He texts back thank you for being honest, please delete my contact information and he will do the same as well. Deep breath! That’s over with.

Another guy I was talking to lived in Cerritos. Conversations with him were like pulling teeth. I mean I know we all get busy at work but no contact after about 12 hours or so??? I don’t even know why I kept talking to him, I guess I was just giving him a chance and seeing where things would go? So we finally got to talking about meeting each other. He mentioned a dog park since he knew about Mochi. I don’t remember the exact texts but it went like this… Me: So there is a dog park I go to near my house. Him: Your house? LOL Me: Did I say something wrong? Him: I’m not going up there. I immediately said this isn’t going to work and said goodbye. That was that.

A glimmer of hope… I started talking to another guy. We clicked right off the bat and were texting back and forth and somehow spontaneously decided to meet up that evening. We met at Aroma Cafe near my house. He looked like his picture. Thank God! We ordered coffee and fries. Found a table and just started talking. Everything was going great. Conversation had a good flow, good laughs, found things in common. Said our goodnight and went home. The next day we made plans to meet again. We went to go watch Star Wars one Saturday and went home after that but then he called me again and asked to get dinner. So off we went. Things were still going well. Okay, my only complaint was that he was a little too lax with his clothing. I would think that you would clean up a bit on a date right? Nope he had a bit of a grungy look. After that night, we continued to text but it started to taper off and then it just went away. Oh well.

Then there was this guy that I was talking to for about a month and haven’t met yet… He lived in Laguna. We texted and he would call almost everyday. Okay I feel really bad about this one for stringing him along. So he would call me, sometimes I would pick up and other times I wouldn’t and make up some excuse why I couldn’t answer my phone. Over the holiday season, I told him I was going to be busy with family stuff since my brother was going to be in town just to let him know, this was true. He still tried calling me and I was like, dude!, I’m with my family and don’t have time to talk. He said he missed talking to me and he did this several times which was kind of annoying. After the holidays, I started answering his calls and actually started talking to him. We finally set up a time to meet. I was going to go down to Laguna Beach and make a day out of it. Days leading up to the day we met, one of our conversations was a bit weird… He tells me that he picked a fight with someone at the grocery store because they cut in front of him. The guy had two kids and he was swearing at the dad. He even told me that he yelled at the lady at the register for letting the guy cut in front of him. He said that the guy that cut in front of him was afraid that he was going to hit him. So the guy I’m talking to asks me what I would have done in that situations. I said I would have said “excuse me, there is a line” to they guy but not make a big fuss about it. Guy I’m talking to says well I told you this to gain perspective on how you handle things… Well obviously he doesn’t handle situations very well. He proceeded to say that he had to prove that he was right and needed to stand up for his rights and thats how he was at work and show them who’s boss. I’m like those are two different situations. Then he was like, maybe its because I’m from the east coast… we stand up for what’s right. Okay dude! It was a little thing at the grocery store… no need to go ballistic on anyone for a little thing. The next day I texted him that I didn’t think we should meet anymore. He apologized and said he didn’t mean to scare me. I told him he didn’t scare me, I just didn’t think things would work out between us. He asked to make it up to me and I said ok. He called later that night and continued to apologize non stop. I just said there is nothing to be sorry about and there is nothing to forgive. The situation happened and that’s that. I just don’t want to be there when you have another outburst. He apologized some more and said that he is normally a nice guy, that was just a bad situation. I said, that is not something you would say to someone you are trying to get to know. That was the end of the conversation. The next couple of days he tried texting me and I just didn’t answer. That was the end of that.

Sorry for the long stories, but this is what I’ve run into so far. This online dating this is really hard. I haven’t found my frog prince yet and I don’t know when I will. At the same time, I am still heavily guarded and my walls are up. I’m still very afraid of getting hurt again and putting myself out there puts me at risk for that. I have thought that I would end up alone for the rest of my life which I have accepted for the most part, but I do admit that it gets really lonely sometimes. Not having someone to talk to, someone to make memories with, someone to cuddle with on those cold winter nights. Let alone I am  deathly afraid that when they find out about my mental condition that they will go running. I think that is my biggest fear. On that note, people have told me, if he is the right one, that won’t even be an issue. I hope so. I miss the flowers and the teddy bears. I miss waking up next to someone in the morning. I miss making dinner for someone other than myself, even though I’m not the best cook. I really would like to know how it feels like to be truly loved by someone who loves you more than you love yourself. I guess I’m looking for true love, if it exists and I guess you can just say I’m a hopeless romantic.