afraid of commitment

Well, I kinda started dating again. Actually I don’t know if you would call it that because we were only talking for a week and I ended it already. We didn’t even meet. Reason? Well he was coming off too strong. Always wanting to talk on the phone or video chat. Sending hugs and kisses and we haven’t even met yet. I don’t even know how I feel about the guy yet and I’m already getting hugs and kisses emoji’s! I didn’t want to talk to him every time I was not doing anything. I wanted to sit and relax and not do anything. I made up excuses so that I wouldn’t have to talk to him. Red Flag. I somehow avoided talking to him all weekend saying that I was busy with family and friends and running errands, but it’s half true. So that was my excuse, I was too busy to talk to you all weekend when I really didn’t want to talk to you knowing that you would take up every second of my free time, probably not because I control the situation but, that’s how I imagined it.

This morning, I told him it wouldn’t work out and he said that I gave up too easily… I said I trust my instincts. I wonder what he was thinking when I said that? But he said he respected my decision and my instincts and let me be on my way. Of course he asked if we could still be friends. I said, sure. He asked if I still wanted to meet up and of course I gave a classic but very much true excuse, but still an excuse, I’m going to be busy with work and family for the next few weeks. And he said good bye. In my defense I really don’t know how busy I’ll be until I actually look through my calendar and fast forward a bit.

Okay, so, am I really that busy or am I really just making an excuse? I mean if the right guy came along, I would find time to fit him into my schedule right? and eventually introduce him to my family if it went that far. At the same time, I question, am I afraid of commitment? I come back to the same old excuse, “I’m busy”, aside from other reasons that might drive me away from the him. Or is that just my excuse so I don’t have to say that I don’t like them? Or is it both? Am I afraid to commit because I will be losing my independence? My do anything that I want when I want life? I know I’ve gone back and forth with this topic, but never really had an answer. So is it losing my independence or afraid of commitment or both that’s keeping me from entering into a relationship? I guess that will be a never ending question for me.


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