hopeless romantic

To love and to be loved… that is what I long for.

I’ve had my fair share of broken hearts and I don’t want it anymore. It hurts really bad you know! I mean it really really hurts! To pour all your heart and soul, everything you have, everything you would give and could give, to a person, to a relationship that you hope would last a lifetime. All for it to fall apart in the end. You feel your heart trying to break free out of your chest and fall to the ground like porcelain and shatter to a million pieces. You try to gasp for air but the air is thin. The weight of the world on your shoulders. The skies turn grey. There is no light at the end of the tunnel. Time and time again. To the point where I gave up on love. I walked away. I walked away from the pain. I walked away from the thought of ever having my heart be broken again.

After 3 years,my heart has had time and managed to put itself back together again. My lungs have air to breathe again and the pain has healed. Not to say if I’m ready to love again, that I don’t quite know. I’m still heavily guarded and have a hard time trusting anyone that tries to get too close. I was chit chatting with my doctor on one of my routine visits and she asked about my love life… I said it was non-existent because it is, but she was not having it. She said, and I quote, “You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince.” That kind of stuck with me. With that being said, I’m back into this so called online dating, I will call it a game, thing. Now I have tried online dating before and there are some mean guys out there I tell you! This time around I’ve ended up with a couple of funny stories, some odd ones, some WHAT THE?!? ones, and you get the picture.

So here goes…

I don’t know if I was being too critical of this guy but you gotta hear me out… We met on POF. He had a cute picture. We started messaging each other and eventually exchanged numbers. From then the text messages were overflowing and at some point we started talking on the phone. One night we were talking for two hours. The next night three. The next night four hours! I mean everything about this guy was going so well! We clicked on so many levels from politics to religion. We finally set up a date. We were going to Universal Citywalk to have lunch and watch a movie. When I walked out of my apartment to go meet him, my jaw dropped to the floor and my heart sank. He did not look at all like his picture! Not even the slightest bit, ok maybe a smidgen? I could not recognize him. How I knew it was him was he had the pig humidifier that we had spoke about. He also carried I guess what you can say was a satchel. So I proceed to say hello and went on the date anyway. We headed to Universal and decided to get lunch before the movie. Okay, normally, on the first date, you sit across from each other but the table that they gave us was an L shape. I sat on one side thinking he was going to sit on the other… NOPE he scooted all the way halfway into my side and squished right next to me. Personal space dude! I couldn’t speak up because I was still trying to figure out if he kinda looked like his picture or not. So we got our food. Our conversation was not like it was over the phone. It was broken, we couldn’t carry a conversation. There was a lot of awkward silence between us. Okay, I understand that it’s different when you meet someone in person versus talking on the phone, but still. After lunch we went to go watch Wonder. It was a bit of a tear jerker… Okay, here is where I don’t know if I’m being too critical. I don’t know you tell me. So, tear jerker movie, I’m sniffling and he notices and he pulls out a pack of tissue from his satchel! I mean thank you. But guys don’t normally carry tissue with them!!! I was totally weirded out and again a jaw dropping moment in this whole thing. So am I being too critical? After the movie he asked me if I wanted coffee, I said no but if he wanted to get something, he could, and he did. More awkward silence while we sat and he sipped his coffee. He asked if I still wanted to go to Universal Studios, mind you it was 6:00 pm. I said no and I had to get home to walk Mochi. He asked if he could join me to walk Mochi and I said no. Got home, date over, FINALLY! Boy  that was painful. No text or phone calls exchanged that evening. The next day he texts me saying he had a good time and asked when could we have our second date? I was honest and said that he was a good guy and we had a lot of things in common but I thought we should just be friends. He texts back thank you for being honest, please delete my contact information and he will do the same as well. Deep breath! That’s over with.

Another guy I was talking to lived in Cerritos. Conversations with him were like pulling teeth. I mean I know we all get busy at work but no contact after about 12 hours or so??? I don’t even know why I kept talking to him, I guess I was just giving him a chance and seeing where things would go? So we finally got to talking about meeting each other. He mentioned a dog park since he knew about Mochi. I don’t remember the exact texts but it went like this… Me: So there is a dog park I go to near my house. Him: Your house? LOL Me: Did I say something wrong? Him: I’m not going up there. I immediately said this isn’t going to work and said goodbye. That was that.

A glimmer of hope… I started talking to another guy. We clicked right off the bat and were texting back and forth and somehow spontaneously decided to meet up that evening. We met at Aroma Cafe near my house. He looked like his picture. Thank God! We ordered coffee and fries. Found a table and just started talking. Everything was going great. Conversation had a good flow, good laughs, found things in common. Said our goodnight and went home. The next day we made plans to meet again. We went to go watch Star Wars one Saturday and went home after that but then he called me again and asked to get dinner. So off we went. Things were still going well. Okay, my only complaint was that he was a little too lax with his clothing. I would think that you would clean up a bit on a date right? Nope he had a bit of a grungy look. After that night, we continued to text but it started to taper off and then it just went away. Oh well.

Then there was this guy that I was talking to for about a month and haven’t met yet… He lived in Laguna. We texted and he would call almost everyday. Okay I feel really bad about this one for stringing him along. So he would call me, sometimes I would pick up and other times I wouldn’t and make up some excuse why I couldn’t answer my phone. Over the holiday season, I told him I was going to be busy with family stuff since my brother was going to be in town just to let him know, this was true. He still tried calling me and I was like, dude!, I’m with my family and don’t have time to talk. He said he missed talking to me and he did this several times which was kind of annoying. After the holidays, I started answering his calls and actually started talking to him. We finally set up a time to meet. I was going to go down to Laguna Beach and make a day out of it. Days leading up to the day we met, one of our conversations was a bit weird… He tells me that he picked a fight with someone at the grocery store because they cut in front of him. The guy had two kids and he was swearing at the dad. He even told me that he yelled at the lady at the register for letting the guy cut in front of him. He said that the guy that cut in front of him was afraid that he was going to hit him. So the guy I’m talking to asks me what I would have done in that situations. I said I would have said “excuse me, there is a line” to they guy but not make a big fuss about it. Guy I’m talking to says well I told you this to gain perspective on how you handle things… Well obviously he doesn’t handle situations very well. He proceeded to say that he had to prove that he was right and needed to stand up for his rights and thats how he was at work and show them who’s boss. I’m like those are two different situations. Then he was like, maybe its because I’m from the east coast… we stand up for what’s right. Okay dude! It was a little thing at the grocery store… no need to go ballistic on anyone for a little thing. The next day I texted him that I didn’t think we should meet anymore. He apologized and said he didn’t mean to scare me. I told him he didn’t scare me, I just didn’t think things would work out between us. He asked to make it up to me and I said ok. He called later that night and continued to apologize non stop. I just said there is nothing to be sorry about and there is nothing to forgive. The situation happened and that’s that. I just don’t want to be there when you have another outburst. He apologized some more and said that he is normally a nice guy, that was just a bad situation. I said, that is not something you would say to someone you are trying to get to know. That was the end of the conversation. The next couple of days he tried texting me and I just didn’t answer. That was the end of that.

Sorry for the long stories, but this is what I’ve run into so far. This online dating this is really hard. I haven’t found my frog prince yet and I don’t know when I will. At the same time, I am still heavily guarded and my walls are up. I’m still very afraid of getting hurt again and putting myself out there puts me at risk for that. I have thought that I would end up alone for the rest of my life which I have accepted for the most part, but I do admit that it gets really lonely sometimes. Not having someone to talk to, someone to make memories with, someone to cuddle with on those cold winter nights. Let alone I am  deathly afraid that when they find out about my mental condition that they will go running. I think that is my biggest fear. On that note, people have told me, if he is the right one, that won’t even be an issue. I hope so. I miss the flowers and the teddy bears. I miss waking up next to someone in the morning. I miss making dinner for someone other than myself, even though I’m not the best cook. I really would like to know how it feels like to be truly loved by someone who loves you more than you love yourself. I guess I’m looking for true love, if it exists and I guess you can just say I’m a hopeless romantic.

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I got to FLY!!!

Every time I am asked the question “What do you want to do?” my answer has been and always will be and I will quote from the movie Ever After when the prince asks Cinderella “is there anything you don’t do?” and she answers back in  the most  satisfying confident way as she looks up at the sky and closes her eyes and reads her arms wide open, “FLY.”

The good news is that I’ve gotten to FLY (sky diving) 3 times already and would do it over and over again. To feel so free, to fly with the birds, to be closer to the sun, to be so high off the ground, to hear peace and quiet thousands of feet in the air; there is nothing quite like it.

The first time, I think in 2009, was for a friend that was supposedly going to move to Thailand for good and it was his goodbye party, sort of. We went to the one in Temecula. Signed up for the entire package, video, pictures and all since it was our well my first time. Didn’t think I was going to do it ever again. We suited up and got our pre flight training. Off to the tiny dinky little plane we went and they managed to shove 20 people in there like sardines. You get the divers, the professional jumpers, the camera crew, and a few extras training or just doing it for fun. One by one we fell out of the plane. It was funny hearing my friends scream die out as she fell further away from the plane and scary at the same time because that meant I was next. DUN DUN DUN there is no backing out now!

3 2 1 go fall out of the plane! Screaming didn’t last too long, free falling was kind of fun, letting the wind catch you and it felt like you were just floating in mid air not to mention all you skin flapping about HAHA HAHAHAHAHA Okay I’m just laughing at myself now… No really, that is what I saw and that’s what really happens. Oh wait, don’t forget to say4788_1163932984223_1886901_n HI to your camera man! and oh yeah SMILE! Try doing that without having all the wind go into your mouth all at once… hahaha And now the guy strapped to your back finally pulls the chute. Oh so peaceful. We were having a normal conversation and just cruising around in the open air. That was the best feeling I’ve ever had I’ve forgotten that I just fell out of a plane however many thousands of feet off the ground. We finally landed and I was screaming and yelling WOOHOO YEAAAAHHH LET’S DO THAT AGAIN! I loved it so much that I even considered doing the training to get certified and jump on my own.

The second jump was in Taft, California. It was for my birthday December 2013. It was only two of us this time around. We get to the site and it was very different from my first experience. Small air space with no real solid buildings around. We checked in. They geared us up. We were kind of scared since the weather didn’t look so good. Mid December, cloudy skies, not your ideal forecast for skydiving right but they still booked us anyway. We see this tiny little plane come in and it looks questionable. It was one of those small planes that have the propellors on them. It looked like they pulled the back seats off and laid carpet on the floor. You could probably only fit about 5 people in there. On the inside, there were parts held up with duct tape, scary. But off we went. As we ascended higher, we were flying through thick clouds, we couldn’t even see above or below them. We get to our altitude and we are ready to jump out of the plane. My friend DCIM100GOPROwent first. Oh and the cameras were just attached to our jumpers wrists. It turned out that the camera on my friend’s jumper was not working so they were sitting at the edge of the plane trying to fix the darn thing. Oh and by the way, my friend is afraid of heights, imagine that. And there they go. I was next. We fell out, spun a little, fell through clouds, sleet, some rain, it was freezing cold I couldn’t even pay attention to the view. The next thing I knew we were on the ground. Still was fun, but not the same as the first. Nice way to spend my birthday.

The third time was in Oceanside with some church buddies. This one was, I guess you could say, extra special. A week before the jump, I found out that one of my best friends from college passed away ( I wrote about it in one of my other blogs “loss of a special friend”), DCIM100GOPROG0078488.I didn’t know if I was going to do the jump or not. Some people told me I shouldn’t go, some people told me I should because it would help get my mind off of things. I did it anyway and I’m glad I did. I took one of our old pictures and wrote a message on the back of it and had planned to let it go mid air. The cool thing was I told my instructor about it and he was like sure and caught the whole thing on camera. The best part was the jump was during sunset overlooking the ocean and I got to say goodbye to my friend in a way I thought she would appreciate.

I suppose I should’ve written about this some time ago since it is something that I truly enjoy, but it’s okay. I never thought I would ago skydiving once, let alone three times.

I LOVE TO FLY and I will continue to do it over and over again.

I’ve finally found Myself

It took a very long time and a lot of tough times but I’ve finally found myself. A self that I am happy with, that I am more than satisfied with, that I can create new memories with, do the things that I’ve always wanted to do with, and be happy growing old with.

For the first time in my life did I choose to take care of me, listen to my feelings and not ignore them or push them aside for the betterment of anyone else and to be quite honest, it felt really really good. I have this immense craving for life, a life that I can live to the fullest. I’ve found clarity and direction of where I want to go and what I want to do without having to follow what anyone tells me to do. This is me, this is who I want to be. I jump for joy at the thought that there is absolutely nothing or no one else I need in life to make me the happiest person on this earth but myself. I find pure happiness in coming home to my dog who greats me lovingly everyday and taking her to the park then coming home and watching TV and sharing ice cream together. Don’t forget the two mellow cats who constantly meow for attention and food. I sing at the top of my lungs on the drive home because I can and because I want to and I enjoy listening to music that much. I write in my journal everyday to spout out my feelings good or bad. I can finally go after my dreams and work on my photography like I always wanted to. I can get back into my writing because I have always wanted to write. I can indulge in a decadent warm chocolate soufflé because I want to without worry about my figure or gaining weight. And ladies and gentlemen, after all these years, I finally! finally! am comfortable in my own skin! Can look myself in the mirror and be happy with the person looking back at me. There is soooo much more, this is not all of it, but all of this just because I finally decided that it was time to take care of me. I feel like I woke up from a deep sleep, waiting for the perfect moment to spring back to life and feel ALIVE!

a good day in a haystack

couldn’t decide what to do today so i booked a last minute massage at Burke Williams Spa. I sat around the house for a bit before my appointment. Moo misses Mochi since she had a play date with Kory at Susanna’s house last night.

My mind is clouded just as the overcast that is still set in outside. Beautiful scenery but haze gently coats what I imagine it to be. The sun shining bright, the trees glowing with rays peeking through where it can and in certain of gold sparkle in view, glimmers the distance gazing down the street line with tress on both sides as if in a dream. And to think that this is in one of the streets near my house, I just added a few things that my imagination likes.

I get to Burke Williams, still a bit disoriented from my crazy emotions and at some point I start to calm down. The lady at the front desk shows me around considering I haven’t been here in ages! I get to my locker and change into my spa robe, and this thing is HUGE! but welcome it. There is something about being wrapped up in soft linen sinking into a state of relaxation. This robe is size 4XL! I’m a small or a medium. Listening to their soft music, sitting in their lounge, writing and I already am starting to feel relaxed waiting for my bath. Yes! I am spoiling myself today. I need it! I was going crazy at home.

12:10pm – Okay, I really feel like I am being treated like a queen right now. I went to get my bath (yes, a bath that someone drew from me. If you haven’t taken a bubble bath, take one! if you are a guy, go watch the Friends episode where Chandler starts to like them and beats Monica every time she prepares one.) When the lady came to get me, she brought me to a room with two bath tubs, one set up for me. Just for me! A plate of fruits and a glass of water. She explained some things and then she took my robe from me holding it up as I got in the bath. Perfect temperature, bubbles, everything was set up just right. I lay down and she put cucumbers on my eyes and a cool towel on my forehead, dimmed the lights and in a minute I was alone. I start to drift away. I am disrupted by my body starting to float so I anchor my foot to the other end of the tub. Feel my hands, soft, silky, and smooth, tingling, with the smell of eucalyptus surrounding my senses. I stay still for what seemed to be a timeless moment of peace, serenity and calm. Sadly I cannot stay in this moment and wake. I decided to eat some of the strawberries left for me and some of the chocolate syrup drips on my elbow as I take a bite. Perfect timing for the lady to check on me and see if I was okay. She left me with an aroma therapy towel to put on my forehead when I was ready to relax again. After eating the strawberries, I drink water and lay back down. Took the town and put it on my head. The strong smell of eucalyptus surround my face and nose and all senses and I float away into a dream world. A meadow with colors of the fall as leaves float to the ground. The bubbles stop and I hear the music playing. A piano piece and my dream begins to change. I see a big room, fit for a queen, walls tower over with high ceilings and beautiful chandelier up above, light blue paint with a hint of gold trim accents on the wood. A woman in a white backless gown with black hair fixed neatly into a tight bun, looks out the through the sheer colored curtains blowing past her, gaze is far from where it should be. As each note plays, I could feel the beat of her heart, it’s not pain, it’s not sorrow, a man dressed in a tuxedo is in the room with her, waiting for her, telling her it is time. The notes on the piano become heavier, the look of conforming blankets her face as she looks toward the man and begins to step his way. One note, one step, out the room, down the corridor and my dream fades as I wake.

Some dream… I wonder what that meant… certainly wasn’t me in the dream. My bath is over, the lady helps me out and leads me back into the lounge room and I write this down. I had my massage and oh did I enjoy that. I didn’t have much of a dream during the massage. I think I just drifted off into a dreamless sleep which what quite welcoming. After my massage, I got ready and back to reality I go. Went to eat at Poke Bar for lunch, went to therapy (kind of a rough session), went to pick up Mochi from Susanna’s then headed back home and took a nap. Was woken up by a phone call being invited to watch Alice – though the looking glass. I wasn’t too excited about watching it but glad I did. Was much better than I expected, even got a bit teary eyed in the end. So good night.