What am I doing with my life?

I got home today and I sat on the couch thinking… What am I doing with my life? (Deep sigh) I’m not necessarily going on a bad note but just really been doing some serious thinking here. I’m 37 years old. I’m not married. I don’t have kids. Not that I’m trying to jump on any bandwagon and not that being single is a bad thing either, but I just wonder, is there more to life than what I am doing? I often think, what is my purpose in this life if I haven’t got a family? I’ve done a lot of things as far as being single goes. I’ve been to London, Paris, Florence, Venice and Rome. I’ve been to Aruba. I’ve been to my fair share of the US states. I’ve jumped out of a plane three times already and would do it again at any time. I’ve tried rock climbing and snow boarding. I’ve entertained my artistic side. Got tattoos. I’m tired of the dating scene… It’s gotten me nowhere. I have two cats and a dog and without them, what am I doing here exactly? Not to entertain any thoughts of suicide but if they weren’t here, then what am I living for? What else is there for me to do? Am I just going to be doing the same routine for the rest of my life? What if there is no guy out there for me and I end up alone? I know I’ve said that I’m content with my life, but here I am questioning, what next? What else is there for me to do? What else is there to do in this life of ours? Are we meant to do anything? Is there a purpose to us being on this earth? Eat, sleep, work, sometimes play, repeat! not exactly in that order but you get the picture. In some of my older posts, I put that I was finally moving on with my life, but what does that exactly entail? Okay, okay, part of it was my art stuff. That I had fun doing. Meandering around the city not exactly knowing where I was going and just absorbing everything around me. I have this teeny tiny bit of a wish to go on with my photography but with a full time job, taking classes will be a challenge and going out to take pictures will require days off. Okay, I know I’m just making excuses. Lets say that in a year or two, I do fulfill that wish and get to do what I want with my photography? Then that step is over. Then what? I kinda solved a bit of my problem but it came back up again. I know I’m fast forwarding here but who doesn’t plan for their future? Where am I going to be in 5 years? Am I going to still be living in the same apartment, still single, obviously still loving my pets, they keep me alive, and then run into the same question. Now I’m back to square one. Sigh. Maybe I’m just trying to write out my rant to hopefully come to a conclusion that I know doesn’t exist, but maybe just a glimmer of hope? I guess not. Oh well, it was worth a shot. Til next time.

Hope

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Chicken or Bread

My Mochi is a perfect little angel… or so I thought. So last night I packed my lunch for today. Salad with chicken from Gelsons. I put the chicken in a sandwich baggy so it wouldn’t make the lettuce all soggy. This morning, I put everything together, salad, dressing, chicken, and a couple Hawaiian rolls in my lunch bag ready to go for me when I walk out the door. Left it on the kitchen table next to my backpack and purse. (Mochi can get up on the kitchen table). I went to go get ready for work. When I was done, I come out and I couldn’t find Mochi. I look closer and I find her gobbling away at something under the kitchen table. I go closer and call her name and she growls back, that is her cue to me that she’s got something that she doesn’t want to give up. I see her with a sandwich bag torn up and clean as a whistle. I look on the kitchen table and find the other sandwich bag of bread left alone. I look in my lunch bag and the chicken is gone. Clever Mochi took the bread and the chicken out of my lunch bag and went for the chicken. HAHA

But fair game… I knew she could get up on the table and I left it wide open for her to get. The good thing is it was all chicken breast so no bones and she gets two breakfasts instead of one. She was one happy camper this morning. And besides, who can get mad at this goofy little girl??

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on the up and up

It’s been a crazy month but that phrase doesn’t seem to change for me does it? but it’s ok, things are going good… it was bad for some time, maybe too long in my book but what is good without the bad? it’s what makes the good even better right?!? I do miss writing, i miss my random rants about anything and everything and my mind has been on soooo many road trips good and bad… half and half too… at this point I’m back to rambling before i even get to the meat of the subject but that’s how i normally am right? besides, what is normal? heck i don’t know? who’s to determine what that should be? and besides the normal ones are weird and the weird ones are normal… so there… if that doesn’t make sense to you… it’s not supposed to.. haha i feel like i’m finding myself again, i miss me, a lot! nice to have you back! it’s good to be back! i’ve made it another year, woohoo! i’m doing a lot better than expected of myself, medicine is doing its job.

15078677_10211575985380953_6371228842385683589_nso i’ve set some new goals… i submitted Mochi’s picture for a calendar for 2018, hopefully it gets on there. i submitted other pictures as well. The cats are out and about getting along with Mochi dog. I signed up for a Disney Half Marathon in September, a Hillsong Conference in November, and I’m back in my piano lessons… notice that these are all for the next year if not two so i’m doing some reaching here… that’s good cuz i used to not be able to look past one day. Oh yeah I switched jobs, back to my old job and I am much happier! feels like home. I feel like I made the right decision and I’m happy with my decision.

With All of that said there is still only one person to thank for all of this, God! God is and will always be there to support me, listen to my hearts cries, and answer my prayers. Last weekend at my retreat, with the help of Pastor Tim, he confirmed all of this for me. That God has always been there, that God has always listened, and that God answers prayers. Pastor Tim told me things that came from God that were some of my deepest darkest secrets and deepest prayers, and yet through Pastor Tim, God speaks to me. Faith grows that much stronger.

a dog beach day

img_6634It’s Labor Day and we decided to have a nice day at the beach including Mochi… This is my first time taking Mochi to the beach. The three of us headed  out toHarbor Cove Beach out in Ventura early in the day. No traffic! When we got to the beach, it was nice and empty, the weather was a bit gloomy but not too cold. Plopped down our blanket and didn’t wait long to go test out the waters to see how she would do… Mochi didn’t mind the sand, she went out further into the water and baby waves came to great heimg_6715r… she ran away frantically, probably because the water was cold, but it didn’t take her long to jump right back in! At some point she went out a bit too far and a toddler wave decided to greet her… hahaha she got a one two punch of a wave and was wet! but I don’t think she seemed to mind at all… her paws were wet from the baby waves already. We ran around chasing waves back and forth, oh she was LOVING every bit of it. Eventually we got her tennis ball out and started throwing it around… so sand everywhere! paws, coat, snout, and now she was drinking the salt water and eating sand… my poor baby… but nope, she didn’t care! we kept at it for an hour or two…. running, chasing the ball, chasing waves, beiimg_6683ng chased by the waves… even flying! yes I have a flying Mochi dog! It made me happy to see Mochi to her full fun capacity! Running. Jumping. Flying. HAPPY Mochi Dog! After a while, people started showing up and it was getting crowded o we decided to take a break… time for sun bathing! Round two?!? and back in the water we went… sadly i couldn’t let her off leash as much because there were more dogs and more children around… she loves humans so she started hating out with some of the beach goers… At some point we said ok, we’re hungry… lets eat! Went to the cafe, had lunch… she got french fries and some of my burger so she was happy… then homeward bound. It was a great day at the beach for sure!

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getting stuff done then no sleep

i finally got a housekeeper to clean mochimy house last night and and and my house is spotless!!! she made my bathroom shine! and on top of that, I got to take Mochi for a really long walk, go grocery shopping,put away all the laundry that i did on Sunday. Man I got a lot done! Sooooo happy! So clean house then I get to make a mess and cook spaghetti for dinner… HAHA it’s okay. I think it was my best spaghetti that I’ve made so far and had a nice dinner with my housekeeper. It’s nice having a clean house.

so this day is just going really really really slooooooow… did i add enough o’s in there? i don’t know what it is but I keep looking at the clock and it seems as if only one or two minutes pass by that i seriously thought was more like 15 – 30 minutes if not more? i was hungry about 11 so i finished what i was working on and decide to get some strawberries to munch on… that was about i think 11:30… go back to my desk and munch and read the news a bit… by the time i’m done i look at the clock and it’s 11:48 and i’m still hungry… so i wait and work on some things… okay now i’m really hungry… I look at the time, 11:55! are you serious?!? i’m really really hungry… screw it! i’m gonna eat… i eat my lunch and i usually take my time but when you’ve got left overs and there is no driving involved, there is an extra 20 minutes left to eat… no complaints there especially since it’s so hot outside.

coffe emojiOn top of that, i’m really tired. so when time is slow, i get really sleepy… then again this is day two of not sleeping properly… it seems like my insomnia is back… zombie days are coming! run! hide! just kidding… but seriously though… Sunday night i woke up at 3am… not fun but then again I kinda know why I was having trouble sleeping? Last night was no fun either… I went to bed around 11pm but then woke up at 2:45am and 3 then a couple of times after that… Mochi was trying really hard to wake me up this morning… nothing seemed to be working that she resulted to hitting me with her paw on my face. still wouldn’t get up, then hoping around the bed, thankfully missing my stomach HAHA, then nibbling on my fingers… as if she’s telling me MOM! TURN OFF THE ALARM!!! and at some point Moo was starting to join in and nonstop meows for food. Now I realize I had a repeat nightmare too… oye… more coffee please! And now the after effects of too much coffee and no sleep… zipping around going 100mph and giggling for no reason… thankfully i haven’t ran into any doors or desks yet… haha it’s still early… but at the same time i feel like my sugar rush is going to end and i will crash

a whole lotta random stuff

ok so this bloggers block has not left me and it’s a bit irritating… i have a bunch of stuff that i want to write down and wrote out full paragraphs and such in my head but when I get to here… i can’t seem to get the words out… so i’m gonna try it this way… I’ve said it before and i’ll continue to say it again and again… too many things happen all at once and yet again, that is how life is…  and on the flip side i still haven’t sorted out the jumbled mess in my head… hence the block?!?

May 26 – disney day 2 – so we went back for round two of disney fun, this time to cali adventure…i miss having my annual pass and going with my disneyland buddy (Jacky) almost every week. Now that she has her daughter, I have more reason to continue going… the only sad part is that I can’t join them on the weekdays… but anyhow, before we went, Jacky and I planned out what we would do, our day and what food we’d bring and this made me reminisce back to our disney days where we would stuff our backpacks with snacks and such, eat while walking or waiting in line… i mean we would bring tupperware of rice, sandwiches, candy, water, name the junk food we had it… everyone knows that disney is filled with line after line, then to even think about to get in line to get food… our problem was solved. California Adventure is always nice since its not as crowded as the main park and there are other things to do than ride rides. Arielle found a new friend at the animation studios and guess where that got us?!? A front of the line pass, free of charge to see Ana and Elsa and Olaf!!! I must say, that was the highlight of that disney trip!

 

June 2 – A big congratulations to my step-brother Joray, graduated from Saugus HS and got accepted to MIT!!!! SO so so very proud! Mr. Smarty Pants!

pets – so there has been all this talk about me finding a new home for my pets… i’ve been going through some things that make it hard for me to care for my pets right now and no i’m not using my social life as an excuse… yes my work schedule changed and i get home at different hours on different days… I do try to spend as much time with them as i can… being a previous pet owner of several different dogs throughout my life, loosing them, whichever way it may be, is never an easy topic. i love these guys and sometimes, no wait, they are the reason that i am still here… although i do see that i really do need to think long and hard about this… Like right now, I’m writing this and Mochi is bored so she finds her toys and starts playing on her own… not that I didn’t play with her earlier but she is cooped up in the house all day long while i’m at work… oye… lots of stuff to really think long and hard about…

IMG_6302on a good note for me – soccer games, beach days and eating fresh steamed crab and having a great company… i’m starting to get back into doing the things that i used to love before my depression decided to say good riddance to them… but at the same time i’m sure i didn’t fully let go of those things… having good company that enjoys them with you makes a big difference.

family – is family and they are there to support you even through your toughest times and I thank God that I have them on my side. I kept them out of a part of my life for a long time for a reason and yes I got used to dealing with things on my own… I don’t resent them for it at all, it was my own choice. Now, the ones that need to know, know, but now… i feel like i still should have kept it to myself, only because some of the reactions that i got i knew i was going to get. But besides that, i’ve gotten used to doing on my own that having them there and knowing is taking some getting used to… And now maybe I see it as God telling me that I need them for whatever reason it may be, maybe this is his answer to my prayers. The people he’s recently brought into my life is his answer to my prayers.

 

hey batter batter

Our church plays softball every year and has a tournament among the UMC churches around L.A. The first year I was with the church, I practiced with them but was on vacation during the tournament. Last year, I fell down the stairs and injured my leg so I couldn’t play at all. This year, softball season started early. We played yesterday and I managed came out unscathed! Got a few good hits and a few runs in! Okay, yes, I’m the only girl in the group, but the rule is they have to have at least one girl playing on the team. Our opponents had to do the same. But hey, at least I can keep up with the guys!13047738_10154749048283835_7983177702825201587_o

Mochi got a day at the park and I guess she had fun because every time I saw her, her coat turned more brown than the last! She loves to roll around on the floor. By the end of the game, she was covered in dirt… she wasn’t my white dog with brown ears anymore, she was a brown dog! But hey, as long as she had fun right! Gave her a much deserved long bath after we got home… took me longer to get her clean cuz of all the dirt she brought home but after cleaning up, we both decided to knock out early. All in a good days fun!