hopeless romantic

To love and to be loved… that is what I long for.

I’ve had my fair share of broken hearts and I don’t want it anymore. It hurts really bad you know! I mean it really really hurts! To pour all your heart and soul, everything you have, everything you would give and could give, to a person, to a relationship that you hope would last a lifetime. All for it to fall apart in the end. You feel your heart trying to break free out of your chest and fall to the ground like porcelain and shatter to a million pieces. You try to gasp for air but the air is thin. The weight of the world on your shoulders. The skies turn grey. There is no light at the end of the tunnel. Time and time again. To the point where I gave up on love. I walked away. I walked away from the pain. I walked away from the thought of ever having my heart be broken again.

After 3 years,my heart has had time and managed to put itself back together again. My lungs have air to breathe again and the pain has healed. Not to say if I’m ready to love again, that I don’t quite know. I’m still heavily guarded and have a hard time trusting anyone that tries to get too close. I was chit chatting with my doctor on one of my routine visits and she asked about my love life… I said it was non-existent because it is, but she was not having it. She said, and I quote, “You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince.” That kind of stuck with me. With that being said, I’m back into this so called online dating, I will call it a game, thing. Now I have tried online dating before and there are some mean guys out there I tell you! This time around I’ve ended up with a couple of funny stories, some odd ones, some WHAT THE?!? ones, and you get the picture.

So here goes…

I don’t know if I was being too critical of this guy but you gotta hear me out… We met on POF. He had a cute picture. We started messaging each other and eventually exchanged numbers. From then the text messages were overflowing and at some point we started talking on the phone. One night we were talking for two hours. The next night three. The next night four hours! I mean everything about this guy was going so well! We clicked on so many levels from politics to religion. We finally set up a date. We were going to Universal Citywalk to have lunch and watch a movie. When I walked out of my apartment to go meet him, my jaw dropped to the floor and my heart sank. He did not look at all like his picture! Not even the slightest bit, ok maybe a smidgen? I could not recognize him. How I knew it was him was he had the pig humidifier that we had spoke about. He also carried I guess what you can say was a satchel. So I proceed to say hello and went on the date anyway. We headed to Universal and decided to get lunch before the movie. Okay, normally, on the first date, you sit across from each other but the table that they gave us was an L shape. I sat on one side thinking he was going to sit on the other… NOPE he scooted all the way halfway into my side and squished right next to me. Personal space dude! I couldn’t speak up because I was still trying to figure out if he kinda looked like his picture or not. So we got our food. Our conversation was not like it was over the phone. It was broken, we couldn’t carry a conversation. There was a lot of awkward silence between us. Okay, I understand that it’s different when you meet someone in person versus talking on the phone, but still. After lunch we went to go watch Wonder. It was a bit of a tear jerker… Okay, here is where I don’t know if I’m being too critical. I don’t know you tell me. So, tear jerker movie, I’m sniffling and he notices and he pulls out a pack of tissue from his satchel! I mean thank you. But guys don’t normally carry tissue with them!!! I was totally weirded out and again a jaw dropping moment in this whole thing. So am I being too critical? After the movie he asked me if I wanted coffee, I said no but if he wanted to get something, he could, and he did. More awkward silence while we sat and he sipped his coffee. He asked if I still wanted to go to Universal Studios, mind you it was 6:00 pm. I said no and I had to get home to walk Mochi. He asked if he could join me to walk Mochi and I said no. Got home, date over, FINALLY! Boy  that was painful. No text or phone calls exchanged that evening. The next day he texts me saying he had a good time and asked when could we have our second date? I was honest and said that he was a good guy and we had a lot of things in common but I thought we should just be friends. He texts back thank you for being honest, please delete my contact information and he will do the same as well. Deep breath! That’s over with.

Another guy I was talking to lived in Cerritos. Conversations with him were like pulling teeth. I mean I know we all get busy at work but no contact after about 12 hours or so??? I don’t even know why I kept talking to him, I guess I was just giving him a chance and seeing where things would go? So we finally got to talking about meeting each other. He mentioned a dog park since he knew about Mochi. I don’t remember the exact texts but it went like this… Me: So there is a dog park I go to near my house. Him: Your house? LOL Me: Did I say something wrong? Him: I’m not going up there. I immediately said this isn’t going to work and said goodbye. That was that.

A glimmer of hope… I started talking to another guy. We clicked right off the bat and were texting back and forth and somehow spontaneously decided to meet up that evening. We met at Aroma Cafe near my house. He looked like his picture. Thank God! We ordered coffee and fries. Found a table and just started talking. Everything was going great. Conversation had a good flow, good laughs, found things in common. Said our goodnight and went home. The next day we made plans to meet again. We went to go watch Star Wars one Saturday and went home after that but then he called me again and asked to get dinner. So off we went. Things were still going well. Okay, my only complaint was that he was a little too lax with his clothing. I would think that you would clean up a bit on a date right? Nope he had a bit of a grungy look. After that night, we continued to text but it started to taper off and then it just went away. Oh well.

Then there was this guy that I was talking to for about a month and haven’t met yet… He lived in Laguna. We texted and he would call almost everyday. Okay I feel really bad about this one for stringing him along. So he would call me, sometimes I would pick up and other times I wouldn’t and make up some excuse why I couldn’t answer my phone. Over the holiday season, I told him I was going to be busy with family stuff since my brother was going to be in town just to let him know, this was true. He still tried calling me and I was like, dude!, I’m with my family and don’t have time to talk. He said he missed talking to me and he did this several times which was kind of annoying. After the holidays, I started answering his calls and actually started talking to him. We finally set up a time to meet. I was going to go down to Laguna Beach and make a day out of it. Days leading up to the day we met, one of our conversations was a bit weird… He tells me that he picked a fight with someone at the grocery store because they cut in front of him. The guy had two kids and he was swearing at the dad. He even told me that he yelled at the lady at the register for letting the guy cut in front of him. He said that the guy that cut in front of him was afraid that he was going to hit him. So the guy I’m talking to asks me what I would have done in that situations. I said I would have said “excuse me, there is a line” to they guy but not make a big fuss about it. Guy I’m talking to says well I told you this to gain perspective on how you handle things… Well obviously he doesn’t handle situations very well. He proceeded to say that he had to prove that he was right and needed to stand up for his rights and thats how he was at work and show them who’s boss. I’m like those are two different situations. Then he was like, maybe its because I’m from the east coast… we stand up for what’s right. Okay dude! It was a little thing at the grocery store… no need to go ballistic on anyone for a little thing. The next day I texted him that I didn’t think we should meet anymore. He apologized and said he didn’t mean to scare me. I told him he didn’t scare me, I just didn’t think things would work out between us. He asked to make it up to me and I said ok. He called later that night and continued to apologize non stop. I just said there is nothing to be sorry about and there is nothing to forgive. The situation happened and that’s that. I just don’t want to be there when you have another outburst. He apologized some more and said that he is normally a nice guy, that was just a bad situation. I said, that is not something you would say to someone you are trying to get to know. That was the end of the conversation. The next couple of days he tried texting me and I just didn’t answer. That was the end of that.

Sorry for the long stories, but this is what I’ve run into so far. This online dating this is really hard. I haven’t found my frog prince yet and I don’t know when I will. At the same time, I am still heavily guarded and my walls are up. I’m still very afraid of getting hurt again and putting myself out there puts me at risk for that. I have thought that I would end up alone for the rest of my life which I have accepted for the most part, but I do admit that it gets really lonely sometimes. Not having someone to talk to, someone to make memories with, someone to cuddle with on those cold winter nights. Let alone I am  deathly afraid that when they find out about my mental condition that they will go running. I think that is my biggest fear. On that note, people have told me, if he is the right one, that won’t even be an issue. I hope so. I miss the flowers and the teddy bears. I miss waking up next to someone in the morning. I miss making dinner for someone other than myself, even though I’m not the best cook. I really would like to know how it feels like to be truly loved by someone who loves you more than you love yourself. I guess I’m looking for true love, if it exists and I guess you can just say I’m a hopeless romantic.

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Work Attire

When I first got into the working world, the dress code at my first job was business casual. I had nice button down shirts and blouses with jeans and wore boots with them. I must say I like the business casual look. Over the years and switching jobs, the dress code went down to casual so it was just jeans and a t-shirt with sneakers and that was it. Don’t get me wrong, that is my favorite type of outfit.

Today I decided to dress up a little for work. We don’t have a dress code, just casual. I’m normally a jeans and t-shirt kind of girl or sweaters with sneakers. Lately I’ve been feeling like I wear the same thing over and over week after week. Over the holidays I did a bit of shopping and got myself a new pair of boots. With all the nice blouses I’ve had from the previous years, I wanted to change it up a bit. I put on a rust color blouse, dark jeans, and my new boots and get to work.

I guess my coworkers are used to me in the casual clothes, it’s rare that I ever dress up, only at our holiday parties. My one coworker asks me “Are you going out to lunch?” I said no and she says “you look nice today.” Of course I thank her and I told her that I just felt like dressing up today. Going out to lunch, my boss asks me “Got a hot date?” I said no, I wanted to wear my new boots. “Oh, new boots. Okay.” Other coworkers gave me compliments as well.

Well now that I’ve got my boots, I can wear all my business casual clothes collecting dust in my closet. The only thing now is to break these boots in. It is only the second time I’ve worn them and my feet hurt already. And on a side note, I’ve started working out again so all my other clothes should fit me better soon. Yay!

so my mind is blank

so my mind is blank. I don’t have writer’s block, my mind is simply blank. I haven’t really had much to think about lately or is it because I don’t want to think about anything. I actually don’t know, hmmm… It’s been like that for some time now. I know I want to write something, but I just sit there and stare at a blank page with lines on it and a little pink heart at the bottom right corner. The last I wrote anything in there was Nov 1st. I know it hasn’t been that long but for someone who writes something on almost on a daily basis, that’s a long time to not write anything. I know I’ve been on a down swing with regards to my personal life but I think in that aspect, I’m stuck in limbo. Neither up or down but not in the middle either. I actually really don’t know where I am. Huh, maybe that’s why my mind is blank? And when I try to think about certain things, I’ll get going on a topic and it never fails, my mind will go blank on me every time! In the middle of a sentence, in the middle of my next word, it just goes poof and I just drop my jaw and have a blank stare on my face with nothing to say and no explanation either then fade into the background. Snap back into reality, oh what was I saying, I have no clue? The subject has gone to what I call “lost thought land.” And my mind is blank yet again. And I am sure that many of you out there have had the same thing happen to you. And now, back to my mind being blank.

Moving on with my life

If you’ve been reading my past blogs, I’ve been through some rough times and have been dealing with depression and other things that life has thrown at me, but who isn’t. I’ve gotten help and am currently undergoing treatment and it seems that the concoction of medicationScreenshot_2017-07-18-16-47-29 they have me under is keeping me normal. For 5 months now, none of my meds have failed on me, phew, that’s a relief. I don’t like going through set backs and becoming a guinea pig with trying to find a new medication that will work. It doesn’t seem like a long time, I mean come on, 5 months? But it feels like a lifetime for me. Before, 1 day of being normal, normal as in not being down in the dumps crying all the time lethargic feeling like a dead weight, was a big deal. Now I’ve been normal for 5 months. Yes, I’m going to rant about it because normal means my clumsy, quirky, weird self is back and I’m back to making fun of myself for all my “duh” moments.

​A couple of months ago, I found out that the guy that I was in love with started dating someone else. A knife to the heart. Not that he wasn’t allowed to, we weren’t even talking at the time so why should I care? Because I was still in love with him, DUH! <– Duh moment…. ​Even though we weren’t even talking, let alone have any sort of relationship at the time, it still felt like I was breaking up with him all over again. Side note… he was my ex-boyfriend. He was a good guy, he didn’t do anything wrong, it just wasn’t our time and our lives were going in different directions. You can’t force an issue. Anyway, so my heart felt like it was ripped open once again and I’m moping around being jealous because now someone else has all his attention and it’s not me.

It didn’t take me long, a few days, of being sad and mopey about the whole situation, but in the midst of talking it over with my sister and the reality of it all, I had an epiphany, a “light bulb” moment (from Despicable Me). light bulbI realized why I still loved him and why we weren’t together and why it all just made sense and the puzzle pieces magically just fit together. At that moment, instead of being mopey and sad and jealous about the situation, I decided to turn this negative to a positive. I’ve been hung up on this guy for so long that I didn’t realize I was putting my own life on hold. I needed him to move on so that I could move on. I know that sounds pathetic, but maybe, just maybe, I was still hanging on to the hopes of us getting back together? Even if a potential good guy came along, I wouldn’t have known. Love is blind!

Time heals all wounds. I could say that now, I don’t think about it or him and him dating doesn’t bother me anymore, I don’t miss him anymore. That’s a good thing. I’m finally moving on with my life. I’M FINALLY MOVING ON WITH MY LIFE! Yes I have to repeat that because it has been on hold for a very long time. (When you are that much in love with someone, if you’re not careful, there is a tendency that you might loose yourself in the process.) My life doesn’t revolve around his anymore. I’ve finally thought about what is it that I like to do? Not what he likes to do. What do I like to eat? and I’ve realized I’m actually a picky eater. I’m doing what I always like to do when I want to do them because I want to do them. It’s like I’ve graduated. I’ve grown up. I’ve become an adult and I’m laughing at myself as I write this because it just FEELS SO GOSH DARN GOOD and why did it take me so long to get here? That’s life’s lesson for you.

back into the swing of things

So I am training for the Disney half marathon in September, or so I was. I started back in May and I had this gigantic, nothing could stop me type of attitude and motivation for something that I have never thought of ever doing in my life. When I had first mentioned this so called half marathon to some of my family members, they were somewhat afraid for me. Maybe because I am a sickly person and I have a slight case of asthma and I haven’t worked out in a very long time. Physical and mental battle or not, this half marathon wasn’t going to scare me one bit. I downloaded a training schedule that Disney had graciously provided for beginners and it pretty much lays it out for you; when to run, how long to run, and so on, all the way to how your form should be while you are running. This was great since I’ve never ran a marathon before, let alone know where to begin when it comes to training. Oh and I bought a fitbit to go along with tracking my progress through all of this and invested in proper running shoes.shoes

So fast forward back to May 2nd, the first day of my official training. Ready to run the first 2 miles of this half marathon journey? No, not really, but I’m going to go for it. Off I went, and boy did I realize how out of shape I was. I didn’t even get to the end of the block before I started huffing and puffing and had to start walking. After my first mile, all I could think about was can the second mile just come to me and I can be done with it? The first couple of weeks were a challenge to get through. After that it got easier and it became a part of my normal routine. Tuesday, Thursday evenings or every other day, whatever worked out. It was perfect, after getting home from work it was straight to the park with Mochi for an hour or so, then back home and off I went to run my easy pease two miles. I actually looked forward to the days I ran. On the weekends, the training schedule started with two miles and added a mile every week. I started feeling more energized, sleeping better and just an overall extra burst of good moods. Then SMACK dab right in the middle of training I get hit with a bad case of bronchitis. I didn’t have the body aches or fever, but I had the sniffling and coughing and the worst part, it was affecting my breathing. I still had the energy and still felt like running, but I had to stop myself and let my body rest. Gosh darn it. This thing had me out for two weeks.

So I’m all better now and I have to get back to training. OH MY GOSH is it so hard to get my motivation back. I’ve been sitting on my butt for two weeks and my body just got used to not doing anything. I’m on my first day back to running and my legs have become permanent weights that don’t want to move and my feet are just blocks of cement. Still I push through and I feel like I’ve started back to the first day of training. As if I haven’t even trained one day for this marathon. Oye vey. I feel it all over, my energy is down, my sleep is not the same, I’m tired during the days. Am I being too hard on myself? Well of course! the marathon is two months away! TWO MONTHS! That’s not a very long time and the long runs on Saturdays are getting longer and there is no way in hell am I even close to being ready for it. Okay there I said it. The first glimpse of me actually being scared of this half marathon. I mean I don’t want to do this marathon and be one of the last ones to finish. I mean my goal is to finish, this is, after all, my first half marathon, heck, my first running event ever; I just don’t want to be at the tail end of the marathon.

I have to find my motivation again. I didn’t run tonight just because I spent a little more time at the park with Mochi. Tomorrow is a two mile run day and Saturday is supposed to be 9.5 miles. I gotta find that motivation sooner or later.

 

I got to FLY!!!

Every time I am asked the question “What do you want to do?” my answer has been and always will be and I will quote from the movie Ever After when the prince asks Cinderella “is there anything you don’t do?” and she answers back in  the most  satisfying confident way as she looks up at the sky and closes her eyes and reads her arms wide open, “FLY.”

The good news is that I’ve gotten to FLY (sky diving) 3 times already and would do it over and over again. To feel so free, to fly with the birds, to be closer to the sun, to be so high off the ground, to hear peace and quiet thousands of feet in the air; there is nothing quite like it.

The first time, I think in 2009, was for a friend that was supposedly going to move to Thailand for good and it was his goodbye party, sort of. We went to the one in Temecula. Signed up for the entire package, video, pictures and all since it was our well my first time. Didn’t think I was going to do it ever again. We suited up and got our pre flight training. Off to the tiny dinky little plane we went and they managed to shove 20 people in there like sardines. You get the divers, the professional jumpers, the camera crew, and a few extras training or just doing it for fun. One by one we fell out of the plane. It was funny hearing my friends scream die out as she fell further away from the plane and scary at the same time because that meant I was next. DUN DUN DUN there is no backing out now!

3 2 1 go fall out of the plane! Screaming didn’t last too long, free falling was kind of fun, letting the wind catch you and it felt like you were just floating in mid air not to mention all you skin flapping about HAHA HAHAHAHAHA Okay I’m just laughing at myself now… No really, that is what I saw and that’s what really happens. Oh wait, don’t forget to say4788_1163932984223_1886901_n HI to your camera man! and oh yeah SMILE! Try doing that without having all the wind go into your mouth all at once… hahaha And now the guy strapped to your back finally pulls the chute. Oh so peaceful. We were having a normal conversation and just cruising around in the open air. That was the best feeling I’ve ever had I’ve forgotten that I just fell out of a plane however many thousands of feet off the ground. We finally landed and I was screaming and yelling WOOHOO YEAAAAHHH LET’S DO THAT AGAIN! I loved it so much that I even considered doing the training to get certified and jump on my own.

The second jump was in Taft, California. It was for my birthday December 2013. It was only two of us this time around. We get to the site and it was very different from my first experience. Small air space with no real solid buildings around. We checked in. They geared us up. We were kind of scared since the weather didn’t look so good. Mid December, cloudy skies, not your ideal forecast for skydiving right but they still booked us anyway. We see this tiny little plane come in and it looks questionable. It was one of those small planes that have the propellors on them. It looked like they pulled the back seats off and laid carpet on the floor. You could probably only fit about 5 people in there. On the inside, there were parts held up with duct tape, scary. But off we went. As we ascended higher, we were flying through thick clouds, we couldn’t even see above or below them. We get to our altitude and we are ready to jump out of the plane. My friend DCIM100GOPROwent first. Oh and the cameras were just attached to our jumpers wrists. It turned out that the camera on my friend’s jumper was not working so they were sitting at the edge of the plane trying to fix the darn thing. Oh and by the way, my friend is afraid of heights, imagine that. And there they go. I was next. We fell out, spun a little, fell through clouds, sleet, some rain, it was freezing cold I couldn’t even pay attention to the view. The next thing I knew we were on the ground. Still was fun, but not the same as the first. Nice way to spend my birthday.

The third time was in Oceanside with some church buddies. This one was, I guess you could say, extra special. A week before the jump, I found out that one of my best friends from college passed away ( I wrote about it in one of my other blogs “loss of a special friend”), DCIM100GOPROG0078488.I didn’t know if I was going to do the jump or not. Some people told me I shouldn’t go, some people told me I should because it would help get my mind off of things. I did it anyway and I’m glad I did. I took one of our old pictures and wrote a message on the back of it and had planned to let it go mid air. The cool thing was I told my instructor about it and he was like sure and caught the whole thing on camera. The best part was the jump was during sunset overlooking the ocean and I got to say goodbye to my friend in a way I thought she would appreciate.

I suppose I should’ve written about this some time ago since it is something that I truly enjoy, but it’s okay. I never thought I would ago skydiving once, let alone three times.

I LOVE TO FLY and I will continue to do it over and over again.

Tech Gal but not a Guru

So I have a degree in Computer Information Systems but do not have a career in that field, but it didn’t all go to waste. One of the many hats I wear at work is IT and I solve many of the minor mishaps of the IT world that any office would have from fixing printers and software updates to total network melt downs. While I’m glad that IT was and is not my profession, I do like it as a hobby, a side gig, a little thing that I get to dabble in every once in a while, but not everyday, so it’s manageable. Not that it’s a bad thing but I see where I would complain about it and I admit, there is extremely high competition out there and I am a mere average TECH GAL (I even have a shirt that says TECH GAL) that does this for fun, not a guru. Though I can fix a lot more than I thought I could, which I am proud of, but yea, not gonna go against th20170616_181058_HDR_Film2-2ose more capable tech guys out there that have been doing it a lot longer than I have. Heck, I can’t even build a computer from scratch. I simply keep the network running. The best part of all of this is when an actual tech guru notes and says “Hey, she actually knows what she’s doing.” Secretly I think they don’t like that I know my stuff because it does take business away from them. Side note, but I was an Apple Certified Desktop Technician for two years.