I don’t think you are ready for me. I don’t think you are ready to see the deepest darkest side of me. You say you want to be there for me and want to be the person that I turn to, but you turn me away when I needed you most. Even if it was just to talk. It makes me not want to say things to you anymore. You accept the present part of me and want to focus on the future, but what is the future without the past? The past makes us who we are now. Unfortunately there are some things from my past that continue to haunt me, that I have to struggle through and try to move on from, but you have to accept that part of me too. I don’t expect you to understand everything that I tell you or have an answer or say anything for that matter, I just need you to be there. I told you that I am broken and that there are parts of me that need a deeper understanding. You told me that you made your choice and that you knew what you were getting into, but did you really? I think maybe, you bit off more than you could chew. I don’t want you to feel inadequate because you don’t know how to handle my situation. You won’t have the answer to everything. Just don’t turn me away when I try to open up to you. I don’t expect you to make any sense of my overly imaginative, chaotic, extremely complicated world in the beginning, it will definitely take a lot of time to navigate through that messy of a maze where even I, sometimes get lost. Just don’t make promises you can’t keep and don’t fill me with empty words. I’ve had my heart tangled with, messed up and shattered to a million pieces already, I don’t need to add anything else to that list. The only thing I expect from you is to just be yourself and don’t try so hard that you set yourself up for disappointment.
So I’ve been angry with God for some time now and yes I will say that yea, I did turn my back on him. I lost my faith in God. I lost all trust in God. I stopped looking to God for answers to any of my problems when he was the source of all my answers before. I was angry at God for giving me this thing that turned my whole world upside down. That I feel like I can’t handle it. I still feel like I’m too weak to face this thing alone. I always thought, I think about killing myself day in and day out, where is God in that? Every waking moment, that was all I thought about, but God was nowhere to be found. I prayed. I prayed hard and long until I couldn’t pray anymore for God to take it back. Take it all back, I can’t do this. And yet, no answer. I did the only thing I thought there was left to do, and so I turned my back on God.
It’s been a year and a half and I still have this thing, it hasn’t gone away. God hasn’t taken it back. I think I’m getting better. Less and less depressive episodes. Thoughts of suicide are still there, but they are just there. I know this all sounds too familiar because I had a similar post not too long ago, but there is more to it than that. This time is a bit different.
Lately, God has been popping up in my mind. I feel guilty every time my friend mentions that he is going to church, like something is tugging at me, at my heart. I haven’t gone to church in about a year and a half. For some people, that really isn’t a long time, but for someone who used to love to go to church and devoted all of their time to church, that is a lifetime. I’m not saying I’m going back to church just yet, I’m just saying that there is something tugging at my heart. Besides, I really think that your relationship with God is in your heart, you don’t need a church to tell you to talk to him.
One of my older posts I said that God was just waiting for me to come back to him. Well, I think, this is where it starts. I read back some of my old journals and all I talk about is how much God was in my life. I turned to God for every little thing, every little problem, every thought good or bad and he would always have an answer. I strayed away a little, but everyone does at some point, we just have to find our way back. Even before, there were several times where I lost my way but eventually came back. I’m still angry with God. We’re allowed to be angry right? Why not? We’re allowed to question him too, right? Even though I still have this thing, maybe I can reason with him? Maybe I’ll learn to accept what he has given me. Maybe I’ll learn to live with it and get around it. Maybe he is helping me and I’m just too caught up in this thing to even realize it. And maybe, just maybe, this is the beginning of the continuation of the relationship that I once had with God. Maybe even better?
I’m in my in between world again. Not up or down. Just somewhere in between where I really don’t feel anything. My natural high has dissipated like a balloon deflating back to just a piece of latex. I feel like a dead weight. Maybe it’s time to go back to therapy. I stopped going to therapy back in January because things seemed to be going really well but a lot has happened since then that I never really talked about so everything got bottled up and now I feel like I’m going to explode. Maybe this is why I’ve been getting a whole lot of chest pains. 4 months of a roller coaster of a life being stuffed in a tiny itty bitty space just waiting to come spewing out like a volcano. Wait, I haven’t gone to therapy yet. Hold your breath. Screw the cap back on. I have to get an appointment first. But for right now, I just feel drained. I feel like the life got sucked out of me. I’ve been holding my breath for 4 months and I need to let it out. Why did I ever think that everything would be okay after I stopped going to therapy? Of course bad things would happen. I don’t live in a perfect world, who does? I feel like I can’t get a grip on anything. Everything is falling through the cracks. You throw something against the wall and it shatters to a million pieces as it scatters all over the floor and you don’t know what to do with it. I can give you many more analogies but it’s all going to end up the same. I’m just sitting on the floor and the world is spinning around me with no means to an end. Can I hit the pause button please and rewind a little then tread lightly over the course of 4 months? Of course not. Only if I could go back in time.
Life isn’t easy. Anyone can say that. We all have our problems and we all deal with them differently. Sometimes we just have to know when to ask for help. For a long time, I refused it. I said, I can take on anything. Give me what you’ve got. And I gotta tell ya, it knocked me on my ass pretty damn hard, and that’s saying it lightly. Fortunately, I learned to give up my pride and now I know when to ask for help. And you know what? It is definitely okay to ask for help! It is okay to not be okay! No one is perfect. No life is perfect. We all need our shoulder to cry on.
And I’m back in the game! At least I think so… The last month was a big jumbled mess and I am a bit of a worry wart. But when it comes to life and death dealing with emotions, it can’t be helped, or can it? I don’t know. Anyway, things are beginning to look up. I’m getting my energy back, at least it feels like it. I’m starting to make plans for the near future again. Let’s see if I can stick to my six week cardio training starting next Monday. So I’m planning to run 4 days a week. And to add to that, throw hiking every Saturday into the mix, starting this weekend. Hopefully that will get me into shape by the time I go to Hawaii in July. Yay vacation! Long awaited, much needed vacation with family! Now that I’ve said all that, will I actually do it? HAHA That’s how it usually goes for me… I have these plans and if I keep them to myself, I end up doing them. If I tell someone, I end up not doing them. So I’m going to try to break my habit of not doing them after I tell someone. Here goes nothing.
So I guess the meds are working. This is what happens when they are working. Life becomes appealing again. I’ve been dead for quite sometime now and I’m being brought back to life. I actually have a pulse. HA! I’m being myself again. My clumsiness is coming back. Yesterday I crashed into the corner of a desk and now I have a big bruise on my thigh. Let’s see how many bruises I come out with by the end of the week… HAHAHA See this is my usual self, laughing at me every chance I get, it’s kinda funny you know HAHAHA okay, I gotta stop or I’ll burst out laughing at my desk at work. I know, I know, I’m supposed to be working, but I had to get this out or the moment will be gone. I’m kinda on this natural high floating away on my own cloud 9 and it feels like nothing could bring me down and I like me again.
So with all this crazy talk of negativity, it’s time for a change of pace, shall we?
I’m a naturally quiet person. I’m an introvert with social anxiety. If I don’t know you, I won’t be the first to speak when we meet. There are those people who love to talk and can talk and talk and talk and talk to no end at all. Every now and then I come across someone who can’t just sit still if nothing is being said. Being a quiet person, I don’t have much to say as is, and I don’t talk about my life so openly. So I get comments like “why are you so quiet?” or “What’s wrong? You’re not talking.” There isn’t anything wrong, I just don’t have anything to say. That’s all.
But then there are moments in life when all you need is for someone to just be there. Nothing needs to be said or done. Just simply that their presence alone makes things better. Just sitting there quietly is a conversation in itself. A mutual understanding. You could cry all you want and they will be there to wipe your tears away and just hold you tight but still not say a word and the world seems perfect again.
There are only some people who understand this and could actually do it, so from the bottom of my heart, THANK YOU!
I found that person who I could tell everything to again. Someone who I want to know every thing that happens at every moment that it happens, that I can’t wait to tell that person whether it be good or bad because I know either way that person will find a way to turn it around and make me laugh. Knowing that I will not be judged by anything that I say and I can truly be open with this person on sooo many levels that I become talkative. Wait, but that is unheard of! But it can happen… There are just those people who bring out the best in you.
I took the day off today… for two reasons. One, I didn’t feel like going to work and two, I was feeling depressed. I definitely needed it. Work is not crazy but it’s not busy either. I slept in til 11am and then went to lunch with my cousin. Went home and took Mochi to the park.
It seems my depression has been getting worse. This is the 3rd time that I’ve gone home or stayed home from work because of it. It seems like I have depressive episodes every week. My doctor changed my medication again but this time they have to increase the dosage slowly and the effects will happen in the span of a couple of months. That scares me! If my depression is already getting bad, I don’t want it to get any worse waiting, months for the right dosage, for the medication to work. I wish I could say that I was getting better, that the medicine is working and I’m on the road to recovery. Well kinda but not really. I’m afraid of what’s to come in the next month or two. I’m afraid of how bad it might get. I still wish that all of this never happened. I get tired of going through the same thing month after month. Taking medicine day after day waiting for something to work. I hate being asked if I have suicidal thoughts, if I have a plan, and what am I going to do? Knowing full well that there is a definite answer to that scares the SHIT out of me! I know what I am capable of. But, in the back of my mind, I really really really don’t want to die! Even though sometimes I do. Maybe that will be my saving grace. That thought alone will keep me from pulling it off. That thought alone will fight my other half to stay alive. Maybe if I’m fighting for someone else and not just me, that will stop me. Maybe that support that I get from someone is enough to pull me out and get me through this mess. That too will be my saving grace. That has to be enough. There is still that glimmer of hope that I will get through all of this even though half the time I’m skeptical about it. C’est la vie.
It’s been a long and crazy rough road getting to where I am now. I’m not out of the woods yet but the light is starting to shine through.
In the beginning it started with severe depression. I would be with family and around good vibes and still feel like I wasn’t even there. I hear people talking in the background but it’s just an echo. I’m there but I’m not. No one is home. I’ve floated away to nowhere land and not looking to come back anytime soon.
Seeing things has been there since I was a kid. This is just what has happened recently. Ghosts would be walking around my apartment. There were 5 of them at one point. There was a little girl hunched over on the floor by the piano looking at me during my piano lessons. She wouldn’t move, she would just look at me. There was a tall white naked man with lacerations all over his body always walking across the hallway pacing back and forth. I can’t remember the other three. They wouldn’t talk to me. They would just be there. On the drive home I would have a ghost or two riding in the back seat. There was always someone following me, but would never reveal himself. I didn’t like to look in the mirror because there would be someone else looking back at me but it wasn’t me.
Then came the demons. The ghosts would disappear when the demons came. There were a lot of them. They would bounce off the walls hanging around everywhere in my apartment. At first they would just stay in the living room. At night I would go to sleep and I could only see them at the door. Night after night they would get closer. In the room. Next, the bedroom light fixture, and then right behind me and whisper in bad things in my ear. I was too scared to remember what they said because I jumped out of bed and ran to the couch and called a friend. I was afraid to be in my own apartment. I sleep with the lights on because if I turn them off, she will be there to take me. She is waiting at the foot of my bed just at the right time, to take me.
My Pastor and some Elders at the church came for a couple weeks to do prayer sessions at my apartment and it did help a little.
I still sleep with the lights on.
Then came the voices. There were three of them. The nice one who didn’t like to argue. The mean one who dictated over everything, and the middle one who tried to keep the peace. Eventually the mean one took over and she started plotting. This is when the suicidal thoughts and attempts started. She would tell me what to do all day long. Write a letter to this person. Say goodbye to that person. Give all your account information to that person. I actually gave all my account information to my best friend just in case anything ever did happen, he could give it to my family. I had dreams that I was dead. I knew there were times that I was sure I wouldn’t make it to my next birthday. I knew that I wasn’t going to last very long. I had no desire to live anymore. I was numb to everything. The mean voice really didn’t have to say much for me to attempt anything at my own life. There was one night, all I had to do was go into my art box and find my xacto knife and just end it right then and there. I guess it wasn’t my time yet because some part of me kept me from pulling it off. Another incident was when I got home and all I wanted to do was swallow as much pills as I could and sleep and not wake up. I ended up calling a friend before any of it happened. As much as I wanted to die right then and there, at the same time, I didn’t. I don’t want to die. I think that is what is keeping me alive.
None of that happens now. I still have depressive episodes and sometimes suicidal thoughts but not as severe as it has been in the past. Things are getting better and all I can do is move forward.