life’s roller coasters

It’s been over a month and I haven’t got much to say only that life has been one massive roller coaster in the last few weeks. My last post mentioned my ongoing ordeal with depression and medication that hasn’t failed on me for 5 months, actually 6 months. Well I spoke too soon and now I am I’m in the process of changing medication again because they did fail on me. Sadly because of my depression, I am skeptical of any good changes that will take place until they actually do and I feel normal again.

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At the beginning of the month I was doing perfectly fine. Did my volunteer work and took pictures at a kid’s birthday party, got my Likin Park tattoo, I even planned a couple of days off to myself. One day I took Mochi to the dog beach and hung out with my cousin the rest of the day. The next day I went to El Matador State Beach in Malibu with a friend and even took a bit of a fall and scratched up both my arms on some rocks without breaking my $700 camera, phew, that was close. Went shopping the day after that.

All of a sudden, it hit me like a ton of bricks waaaay out of left field. The next day I was in bed all day, didn’t want to do anything, didn’t want to see anyone, didn’t want to talk to anyone, just leave me alone! As the days passed by, the depression got worse. I have a new ghost that hangs around and my demons are back. I’m afraid of my own room again. I’m afraid of looking in the mirror again. I have this heavy weight on my shoulders, emotionless, lifeless, I had no motivation to do anything, no motivation for life. Everything I did was forced. Even taking Mochi to the park was a huge task. I don’t want to run or train anymore. My half marathon coming up doesn’t matter to me anymore. I don’t care. I just don’t care! I thought about getting the semicolon tattoo at some point and it would be a promise to myself that I would never cross that line, but for some reason that promise is hard to swallow and I couldn’t get passed it. So why do it if I can’t even keep a promise to myself? My doctor says that these feelings will go away again once they get my medication back on track, I just gotta hang on and wait it out. And all I can think of is it’s in one ear and out the other. Like I said I’m skeptical about the change of medication working until maybe the third try… until then… I’ll just be indifferent about the whole thing.

 

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Moving on with my life

If you’ve been reading my past blogs, I’ve been through some rough times and have been dealing with depression and other things that life has thrown at me, but who isn’t. I’ve gotten help and am currently undergoing treatment and it seems that the concoction of medicationScreenshot_2017-07-18-16-47-29 they have me under is keeping me normal. For 5 months now, none of my meds have failed on me, phew, that’s a relief. I don’t like going through set backs and becoming a guinea pig with trying to find a new medication that will work. It doesn’t seem like a long time, I mean come on, 5 months? But it feels like a lifetime for me. Before, 1 day of being normal, normal as in not being down in the dumps crying all the time lethargic feeling like a dead weight, was a big deal. Now I’ve been normal for 5 months. Yes, I’m going to rant about it because normal means my clumsy, quirky, weird self is back and I’m back to making fun of myself for all my “duh” moments.

​A couple of months ago, I found out that the guy that I was in love with started dating someone else. A knife to the heart. Not that he wasn’t allowed to, we weren’t even talking at the time so why should I care? Because I was still in love with him, DUH! <– Duh moment…. ​Even though we weren’t even talking, let alone have any sort of relationship at the time, it still felt like I was breaking up with him all over again. Side note… he was my ex-boyfriend. He was a good guy, he didn’t do anything wrong, it just wasn’t our time and our lives were going in different directions. You can’t force an issue. Anyway, so my heart felt like it was ripped open once again and I’m moping around being jealous because now someone else has all his attention and it’s not me.

It didn’t take me long, a few days, of being sad and mopey about the whole situation, but in the midst of talking it over with my sister and the reality of it all, I had an epiphany, a “light bulb” moment (from Despicable Me). light bulbI realized why I still loved him and why we weren’t together and why it all just made sense and the puzzle pieces magically just fit together. At that moment, instead of being mopey and sad and jealous about the situation, I decided to turn this negative to a positive. I’ve been hung up on this guy for so long that I didn’t realize I was putting my own life on hold. I needed him to move on so that I could move on. I know that sounds pathetic, but maybe, just maybe, I was still hanging on to the hopes of us getting back together? Even if a potential good guy came along, I wouldn’t have known. Love is blind!

Time heals all wounds. I could say that now, I don’t think about it or him and him dating doesn’t bother me anymore, I don’t miss him anymore. That’s a good thing. I’m finally moving on with my life. I’M FINALLY MOVING ON WITH MY LIFE! Yes I have to repeat that because it has been on hold for a very long time. (When you are that much in love with someone, if you’re not careful, there is a tendency that you might loose yourself in the process.) My life doesn’t revolve around his anymore. I’ve finally thought about what is it that I like to do? Not what he likes to do. What do I like to eat? and I’ve realized I’m actually a picky eater. I’m doing what I always like to do when I want to do them because I want to do them. It’s like I’ve graduated. I’ve grown up. I’ve become an adult and I’m laughing at myself as I write this because it just FEELS SO GOSH DARN GOOD and why did it take me so long to get here? That’s life’s lesson for you.

back into the swing of things

So I am training for the Disney half marathon in September, or so I was. I started back in May and I had this gigantic, nothing could stop me type of attitude and motivation for something that I have never thought of ever doing in my life. When I had first mentioned this so called half marathon to some of my family members, they were somewhat afraid for me. Maybe because I am a sickly person and I have a slight case of asthma and I haven’t worked out in a very long time. Physical and mental battle or not, this half marathon wasn’t going to scare me one bit. I downloaded a training schedule that Disney had graciously provided for beginners and it pretty much lays it out for you; when to run, how long to run, and so on, all the way to how your form should be while you are running. This was great since I’ve never ran a marathon before, let alone know where to begin when it comes to training. Oh and I bought a fitbit to go along with tracking my progress through all of this and invested in proper running shoes.shoes

So fast forward back to May 2nd, the first day of my official training. Ready to run the first 2 miles of this half marathon journey? No, not really, but I’m going to go for it. Off I went, and boy did I realize how out of shape I was. I didn’t even get to the end of the block before I started huffing and puffing and had to start walking. After my first mile, all I could think about was can the second mile just come to me and I can be done with it? The first couple of weeks were a challenge to get through. After that it got easier and it became a part of my normal routine. Tuesday, Thursday evenings or every other day, whatever worked out. It was perfect, after getting home from work it was straight to the park with Mochi for an hour or so, then back home and off I went to run my easy pease two miles. I actually looked forward to the days I ran. On the weekends, the training schedule started with two miles and added a mile every week. I started feeling more energized, sleeping better and just an overall extra burst of good moods. Then SMACK dab right in the middle of training I get hit with a bad case of bronchitis. I didn’t have the body aches or fever, but I had the sniffling and coughing and the worst part, it was affecting my breathing. I still had the energy and still felt like running, but I had to stop myself and let my body rest. Gosh darn it. This thing had me out for two weeks.

So I’m all better now and I have to get back to training. OH MY GOSH is it so hard to get my motivation back. I’ve been sitting on my butt for two weeks and my body just got used to not doing anything. I’m on my first day back to running and my legs have become permanent weights that don’t want to move and my feet are just blocks of cement. Still I push through and I feel like I’ve started back to the first day of training. As if I haven’t even trained one day for this marathon. Oye vey. I feel it all over, my energy is down, my sleep is not the same, I’m tired during the days. Am I being too hard on myself? Well of course! the marathon is two months away! TWO MONTHS! That’s not a very long time and the long runs on Saturdays are getting longer and there is no way in hell am I even close to being ready for it. Okay there I said it. The first glimpse of me actually being scared of this half marathon. I mean I don’t want to do this marathon and be one of the last ones to finish. I mean my goal is to finish, this is, after all, my first half marathon, heck, my first running event ever; I just don’t want to be at the tail end of the marathon.

I have to find my motivation again. I didn’t run tonight just because I spent a little more time at the park with Mochi. Tomorrow is a two mile run day and Saturday is supposed to be 9.5 miles. I gotta find that motivation sooner or later.

 

I got to FLY!!!

Every time I am asked the question “What do you want to do?” my answer has been and always will be and I will quote from the movie Ever After when the prince asks Cinderella “is there anything you don’t do?” and she answers back in  the most  satisfying confident way as she looks up at the sky and closes her eyes and reads her arms wide open, “FLY.”

The good news is that I’ve gotten to FLY (sky diving) 3 times already and would do it over and over again. To feel so free, to fly with the birds, to be closer to the sun, to be so high off the ground, to hear peace and quiet thousands of feet in the air; there is nothing quite like it.

The first time, I think in 2009, was for a friend that was supposedly going to move to Thailand for good and it was his goodbye party, sort of. We went to the one in Temecula. Signed up for the entire package, video, pictures and all since it was our well my first time. Didn’t think I was going to do it ever again. We suited up and got our pre flight training. Off to the tiny dinky little plane we went and they managed to shove 20 people in there like sardines. You get the divers, the professional jumpers, the camera crew, and a few extras training or just doing it for fun. One by one we fell out of the plane. It was funny hearing my friends scream die out as she fell further away from the plane and scary at the same time because that meant I was next. DUN DUN DUN there is no backing out now!

3 2 1 go fall out of the plane! Screaming didn’t last too long, free falling was kind of fun, letting the wind catch you and it felt like you were just floating in mid air not to mention all you skin flapping about HAHA HAHAHAHAHA Okay I’m just laughing at myself now… No really, that is what I saw and that’s what really happens. Oh wait, don’t forget to say4788_1163932984223_1886901_n HI to your camera man! and oh yeah SMILE! Try doing that without having all the wind go into your mouth all at once… hahaha And now the guy strapped to your back finally pulls the chute. Oh so peaceful. We were having a normal conversation and just cruising around in the open air. That was the best feeling I’ve ever had I’ve forgotten that I just fell out of a plane however many thousands of feet off the ground. We finally landed and I was screaming and yelling WOOHOO YEAAAAHHH LET’S DO THAT AGAIN! I loved it so much that I even considered doing the training to get certified and jump on my own.

The second jump was in Taft, California. It was for my birthday December 2013. It was only two of us this time around. We get to the site and it was very different from my first experience. Small air space with no real solid buildings around. We checked in. They geared us up. We were kind of scared since the weather didn’t look so good. Mid December, cloudy skies, not your ideal forecast for skydiving right but they still booked us anyway. We see this tiny little plane come in and it looks questionable. It was one of those small planes that have the propellors on them. It looked like they pulled the back seats off and laid carpet on the floor. You could probably only fit about 5 people in there. On the inside, there were parts held up with duct tape, scary. But off we went. As we ascended higher, we were flying through thick clouds, we couldn’t even see above or below them. We get to our altitude and we are ready to jump out of the plane. My friend DCIM100GOPROwent first. Oh and the cameras were just attached to our jumpers wrists. It turned out that the camera on my friend’s jumper was not working so they were sitting at the edge of the plane trying to fix the darn thing. Oh and by the way, my friend is afraid of heights, imagine that. And there they go. I was next. We fell out, spun a little, fell through clouds, sleet, some rain, it was freezing cold I couldn’t even pay attention to the view. The next thing I knew we were on the ground. Still was fun, but not the same as the first. Nice way to spend my birthday.

The third time was in Oceanside with some church buddies. This one was, I guess you could say, extra special. A week before the jump, I found out that one of my best friends from college passed away ( I wrote about it in one of my other blogs “loss of a special friend”), DCIM100GOPROG0078488.I didn’t know if I was going to do the jump or not. Some people told me I shouldn’t go, some people told me I should because it would help get my mind off of things. I did it anyway and I’m glad I did. I took one of our old pictures and wrote a message on the back of it and had planned to let it go mid air. The cool thing was I told my instructor about it and he was like sure and caught the whole thing on camera. The best part was the jump was during sunset overlooking the ocean and I got to say goodbye to my friend in a way I thought she would appreciate.

I suppose I should’ve written about this some time ago since it is something that I truly enjoy, but it’s okay. I never thought I would ago skydiving once, let alone three times.

I LOVE TO FLY and I will continue to do it over and over again.

Tech Gal but not a Guru

So I have a degree in Computer Information Systems but do not have a career in that field, but it didn’t all go to waste. One of the many hats I wear at work is IT and I solve many of the minor mishaps of the IT world that any office would have from fixing printers and software updates to total network melt downs. While I’m glad that IT was and is not my profession, I do like it as a hobby, a side gig, a little thing that I get to dabble in every once in a while, but not everyday, so it’s manageable. Not that it’s a bad thing but I see where I would complain about it and I admit, there is extremely high competition out there and I am a mere average TECH GAL (I even have a shirt that says TECH GAL) that does this for fun, not a guru. Though I can fix a lot more than I thought I could, which I am proud of, but yea, not gonna go against th20170616_181058_HDR_Film2-2ose more capable tech guys out there that have been doing it a lot longer than I have. Heck, I can’t even build a computer from scratch. I simply keep the network running. The best part of all of this is when an actual tech guru notes and says “Hey, she actually knows what she’s doing.” Secretly I think they don’t like that I know my stuff because it does take business away from them. Side note, but I was an Apple Certified Desktop Technician for two years.

 

 

 

I’ve finally found Myself

It took a very long time and a lot of tough times but I’ve finally found myself. A self that I am happy with, that I am more than satisfied with, that I can create new memories with, do the things that I’ve always wanted to do with, and be happy growing old with.

For the first time in my life did I choose to take care of me, listen to my feelings and not ignore them or push them aside for the betterment of anyone else and to be quite honest, it felt really really good. I have this immense craving for life, a life that I can live to the fullest. I’ve found clarity and direction of where I want to go and what I want to do without having to follow what anyone tells me to do. This is me, this is who I want to be. I jump for joy at the thought that there is absolutely nothing or no one else I need in life to make me the happiest person on this earth but myself. I find pure happiness in coming home to my dog who greats me lovingly everyday and taking her to the park then coming home and watching TV and sharing ice cream together. Don’t forget the two mellow cats who constantly meow for attention and food. I sing at the top of my lungs on the drive home because I can and because I want to and I enjoy listening to music that much. I write in my journal everyday to spout out my feelings good or bad. I can finally go after my dreams and work on my photography like I always wanted to. I can get back into my writing because I have always wanted to write. I can indulge in a decadent warm chocolate soufflé because I want to without worry about my figure or gaining weight. And ladies and gentlemen, after all these years, I finally! finally! am comfortable in my own skin! Can look myself in the mirror and be happy with the person looking back at me. There is soooo much more, this is not all of it, but all of this just because I finally decided that it was time to take care of me. I feel like I woke up from a deep sleep, waiting for the perfect moment to spring back to life and feel ALIVE!

Chicken or Bread

My Mochi is a perfect little angel… or so I thought. So last night I packed my lunch for today. Salad with chicken from Gelsons. I put the chicken in a sandwich baggy so it wouldn’t make the lettuce all soggy. This morning, I put everything together, salad, dressing, chicken, and a couple Hawaiian rolls in my lunch bag ready to go for me when I walk out the door. Left it on the kitchen table next to my backpack and purse. (Mochi can get up on the kitchen table). I went to go get ready for work. When I was done, I come out and I couldn’t find Mochi. I look closer and I find her gobbling away at something under the kitchen table. I go closer and call her name and she growls back, that is her cue to me that she’s got something that she doesn’t want to give up. I see her with a sandwich bag torn up and clean as a whistle. I look on the kitchen table and find the other sandwich bag of bread left alone. I look in my lunch bag and the chicken is gone. Clever Mochi took the bread and the chicken out of my lunch bag and went for the chicken. HAHA

But fair game… I knew she could get up on the table and I left it wide open for her to get. The good thing is it was all chicken breast so no bones and she gets two breakfasts instead of one. She was one happy camper this morning. And besides, who can get mad at this goofy little girl??

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