Don’t run away

It’s happening again. Good things are happening. Going out a lot. Not used to it and as a result, my body was a bit overwhelmed and has run out of energy. Not that it is a bad thing, don’t get me wrong, I had a lot of fun and would love to keep doing it, I just have to get used to it. But at the same time came the chest pains and anxiety attacks, but that could also be the result of the running out of energy thing. It’s been about a month since I’ve been hanging out with this new someone and things are going well and at the same time I feel like at some point something bad is going to happen with me and I’m gonna have to end things once again. I really don’t want to do that cuz I really like where things are going.

I know I have told other guys that I have dated about my mental illness and I ended up having an episode at one point or another. It would just happen and that would be it. We didn’t talk about it or do anything, just went through the episode and then move on with life almost as if nothing happened. I never really know what to do when I have an episode, I just shut down and hide from the world and I’ll come up for air when it’s all over. And again, it will be as if nothing happened.

So now, there is this guy who says he will be able to understand it better if I just communicate. Uhm I don’t think this is a bad or a good thing or it might be something I need to learn along the way and this would be the first. I don’t know how to explain what it is that I’m feeling when I go through an episode. I know I kind of wrote about one sometime last year but even then I feel like it was a bit confusing. I don’t quite know how to explain it. It’s either too many emotions going on at the same time or nothing at all. At the same time I feel so vulnerable when I do talk about it. I feel naked and need to hide as fast as I can so no one can see me. I like to crawl under rocks and hide.

Again, I’m so deathly afraid of having an episode and not knowing how long it will last or how it will affect my relationship with this guy, I’m trying not to run away and I don’t want to shut another person out when all they want is the best for me.


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