I Wish They Knew

Everyday we hear of someone committing suicide. Someone’s relative’s nephew. A man that lived down the street who walked his dog everyday. A famous rockstar. Whoever it might be. Then you hear the people around them talking about how selfish they were to take their own lives and what will happen to those they leave behind. He was so happy all the time. You would never think he would do such a thing.

Well I wish we all knew what they were thinking at the time they did this. I certainly can’t give you a full description but maybe a slight intuition as to what it might have been at that moment.

We could be our happiest selves and be positive around everyone we come across. We go about our daily lives as if nothing has changed. At the right moment all we can think of is I DON’T want to GO ON! I DON’T WANT TO LIVE ANYMORE! I DON’T WANT TO FEEL THIS WAY ANYMORE! I’M TIRED OF FIGHTING! I JUST WANT TO MAKE IT GO AWAY! I DON’T CARE ANYMORE! Just get it over with! The scary part is when we JUST DON’T CARE about what happens and in the next few moments and the damage is done.

There is so much more that could be going on from person to person depending of what they have been through in each of their lives. Who’s to say that every scenario is the same. This, this is simply my story, the limited version. I write this because this is what I’ve felt like the past two times I failed to pull it off. I write this because I want to stick up for every person that has committed suicide and has been criticized. No one knows what that person has been through and no one has the right to judge. Yes it happened and its a tragedy, but please let them be at peace and stop the criticism.

There are a lot of people out there who are depressed and need help. If you know someone or are someone who needs help, please call the  Suicide Prevention Hotline 1-800-273-8255.

If you text 741741 when you are feeling depressed or suicidal, a crisis worker will text you back immediately and continue to text with you. Many young people do not like talking on the phone and would be more comfortable texting. It’s a free service to ANYONE who lives in the U.S. It’s run by The Crisis Text Line.
#SuicideAwareness
#YouAreImportant
#741741

 

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The Devil’s Playground

He stands around in the dark, watching, waiting for the right time. You notice him and he lets you see him with a grin on his face and you get scared, try to shrug it off and carry on with what you were doing. He begins to follow you as a shadow in a small distance, you see his grin grow and this time he starts to laugh at you. Each time you notice him, he gets closer. The closer he gets, the more he plays with your mind, feeds it with things you probably wouldn’t think of. Now I feel like he’s inside, he’s gotten in… He plans it all out for you… this is how it will happen, this is what you will do, this is what you will write to whoever. If you don’t do it, he gives you another plan… you know where this is, you know where that is you just go home and get it and it’s up to you after that. What is he going to do next? There is no way out.

Everything in my mind is about death or my destruction and how to do it or ways to do it as if he is controlling me. I’ve been defeated, I have no strength to fight back, he’s too strong and I’m too weak. I don’t know how long I’ll be able to hold on. He’s pushed me so far down into a black hole that there is no way of climbing back up. How long will this last? I just want it to be over.

**Something I wrote some time back during one of my severe depression phases but very much felt real to me.**

life’s roller coasters

It’s been over a month and I haven’t got much to say only that life has been one massive roller coaster in the last few weeks. My last post mentioned my ongoing ordeal with depression and medication that hasn’t failed on me for 5 months, actually 6 months. Well I spoke too soon and now I am I’m in the process of changing medication again because they did fail on me. Sadly because of my depression, I am skeptical of any good changes that will take place until they actually do and I feel normal again.

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At the beginning of the month I was doing perfectly fine. Did my volunteer work and took pictures at a kid’s birthday party, got my Likin Park tattoo, I even planned a couple of days off to myself. One day I took Mochi to the dog beach and hung out with my cousin the rest of the day. The next day I went to El Matador State Beach in Malibu with a friend and even took a bit of a fall and scratched up both my arms on some rocks without breaking my $700 camera, phew, that was close. Went shopping the day after that.

All of a sudden, it hit me like a ton of bricks waaaay out of left field. The next day I was in bed all day, didn’t want to do anything, didn’t want to see anyone, didn’t want to talk to anyone, just leave me alone! As the days passed by, the depression got worse. I have a new ghost that hangs around and my demons are back. I’m afraid of my own room again. I’m afraid of looking in the mirror again. I have this heavy weight on my shoulders, emotionless, lifeless, I had no motivation to do anything, no motivation for life. Everything I did was forced. Even taking Mochi to the park was a huge task. I don’t want to run or train anymore. My half marathon coming up doesn’t matter to me anymore. I don’t care. I just don’t care! I thought about getting the semicolon tattoo at some point and it would be a promise to myself that I would never cross that line, but for some reason that promise is hard to swallow and I couldn’t get passed it. So why do it if I can’t even keep a promise to myself? My doctor says that these feelings will go away again once they get my medication back on track, I just gotta hang on and wait it out. And all I can think of is it’s in one ear and out the other. Like I said I’m skeptical about the change of medication working until maybe the third try… until then… I’ll just be indifferent about the whole thing.

 

Moving on with my life

If you’ve been reading my past blogs, I’ve been through some rough times and have been dealing with depression and other things that life has thrown at me, but who isn’t. I’ve gotten help and am currently undergoing treatment and it seems that the concoction of medicationScreenshot_2017-07-18-16-47-29 they have me under is keeping me normal. For 5 months now, none of my meds have failed on me, phew, that’s a relief. I don’t like going through set backs and becoming a guinea pig with trying to find a new medication that will work. It doesn’t seem like a long time, I mean come on, 5 months? But it feels like a lifetime for me. Before, 1 day of being normal, normal as in not being down in the dumps crying all the time lethargic feeling like a dead weight, was a big deal. Now I’ve been normal for 5 months. Yes, I’m going to rant about it because normal means my clumsy, quirky, weird self is back and I’m back to making fun of myself for all my “duh” moments.

​A couple of months ago, I found out that the guy that I was in love with started dating someone else. A knife to the heart. Not that he wasn’t allowed to, we weren’t even talking at the time so why should I care? Because I was still in love with him, DUH! <– Duh moment…. ​Even though we weren’t even talking, let alone have any sort of relationship at the time, it still felt like I was breaking up with him all over again. Side note… he was my ex-boyfriend. He was a good guy, he didn’t do anything wrong, it just wasn’t our time and our lives were going in different directions. You can’t force an issue. Anyway, so my heart felt like it was ripped open once again and I’m moping around being jealous because now someone else has all his attention and it’s not me.

It didn’t take me long, a few days, of being sad and mopey about the whole situation, but in the midst of talking it over with my sister and the reality of it all, I had an epiphany, a “light bulb” moment (from Despicable Me). light bulbI realized why I still loved him and why we weren’t together and why it all just made sense and the puzzle pieces magically just fit together. At that moment, instead of being mopey and sad and jealous about the situation, I decided to turn this negative to a positive. I’ve been hung up on this guy for so long that I didn’t realize I was putting my own life on hold. I needed him to move on so that I could move on. I know that sounds pathetic, but maybe, just maybe, I was still hanging on to the hopes of us getting back together? Even if a potential good guy came along, I wouldn’t have known. Love is blind!

Time heals all wounds. I could say that now, I don’t think about it or him and him dating doesn’t bother me anymore, I don’t miss him anymore. That’s a good thing. I’m finally moving on with my life. I’M FINALLY MOVING ON WITH MY LIFE! Yes I have to repeat that because it has been on hold for a very long time. (When you are that much in love with someone, if you’re not careful, there is a tendency that you might loose yourself in the process.) My life doesn’t revolve around his anymore. I’ve finally thought about what is it that I like to do? Not what he likes to do. What do I like to eat? and I’ve realized I’m actually a picky eater. I’m doing what I always like to do when I want to do them because I want to do them. It’s like I’ve graduated. I’ve grown up. I’ve become an adult and I’m laughing at myself as I write this because it just FEELS SO GOSH DARN GOOD and why did it take me so long to get here? That’s life’s lesson for you.

Depression is Mean

It strips away your identity slowly but surely. One by one you stop doing the things you love to do because it makes you lose interest in them. At some point you begin to forget those things and you lose yourself. You forget why you loved to do those things in the first place. You just don’t want to do anything. You forget who you are.

It makes you push people away. It’s easier to deal with it alone. You don’t have to pretend to be happy. You don’t have to explain yourself. You don’t feel like you’re a burden to anyone. You don’t feel like you’re sucking the life out of anyone. You say no to attending any events including family and you just stay away. You feel detached from friends, family, and even life itself.

It drains you of all your energy that you have nothing left to even do your daily routine things. Just getting out of bed alone is tough enough. You have no motivation to do anything. You find no purpose in life. You feel empty inside. It sucks the life out of you. You just feel dead.

It makes you feel numb. You feel nothing when you should feel happy or sad. It’s a blank expression on your face all the time. You don’t care. Someone could die and you wouldn’t care. YOU JUST DON’T CARE!

It’s a faceless enemy. An enemy that takes full control whenever it wants however it wants. It takes you down before you can even think about getting back up. It has no remorse.

This is what I’ve been through time and time again. This is my depression. Only now have I actually sat down and identified the things that I felt going through it. I’ve missed out on life because of it. I miss being me. I feel like I have to start over with life when I come out of it because I’ve been so out of touch. I am on the road to recovering with hopes of things beginning to look up.

 

am I back yet?

Sometimes I feel like I start to come back, and even then, I quickly fade away back into the depths of nothingness. It’s been a while since I’ve written anything, although it feels like forever. Even my journal, that I carry with me everywhere I go, has been feeling empty and lonely. It longs for words that I do not have for the time being. I myself have not uttered much in the past months. My mind is blank. The space within me is hollow, no emotion, not even anger. I’m back to being a robot program that was written to function on a daily basis. I even see Mochi’s emotions of high and happy energy die down, and at that time I can feel a bit of sadness. To see my dog’s, who loves me unconditionally, energy fade away. But sometimes it’s because of her that I take her to the park to get her energy back and mine too while we’re at it.

And as well as very good friends and family that continue to remind me that I am loved and all I have to do is learn how to ask for help. I just need to break down my own wall of trying to do things on my own and not be afraid of that help.

Then there is God, who is my light and my hope through all of this. In the deepest and darkest moments, when there is nothing left, whether I cry out to him or not, he hears me and continually sheds a light for me.

Psalm 119:105 Your word is a lame for my feet, a light on my path.

God continues to watch over me. I know he does. That’s why I’m still here. He listens to me and answers my prayers even when I don’t say them. He answers them even when I don’t feel him around. But I know he is there. He knows I am listening even when I am being stubborn.

 

An honest prayer

Just came back from a church retreat in Big Bear in which I almost didn’t go. So much plagues my mind of why I didn’t want to go, the anxiety of being up there, and the comfort of knowing that the people who have been watching over me were just a room away and most especially, God always being present even when my mind wouldn’t let me think so.

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On the last day, last message from our guest speaker, we were asked to do an exercise called “Lectio Divina” and focus on a specific bible verse:

Galatians 5:22- 23  But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.

The one thing that stood out to me, not exactly sure why, was self-control. At the end of the exercise, the words HOLD ON! came to my mind. If this is you, God, telling me to HOLD ON, I want to say… in all honesty… I don’t know if I can. I’m tired and exhausted and don’t want to be a broken record anymore. You give me things that you know I can handle but I’m not so sure about that. I don’t know if my faith is strong enough, I don’t know if me trusting you is as strong as I want it to be. I am tired of disappointing you. Disappointing myself. I don’t have that faith or trust in myself anymore. The last thing that I can HOLD ON to is that this would be the last trial that I go through and that you would be there to pick me up for the last time and continue to hold me and carry me through everything else that comes my way. Not that you haven’t. In so many times and so many ways have you always come to my rescue in my greatest hours of desperation. I know you are teaching me and molding me to the person that you know I could be. And in that, I can be all those things in the bible verse towards others, but maybe I haven’t been that way to myself at all. And maybe that is what you are teaching me now… You have taught me to love others and now you are teaching me to love myself in everything that I am, no matter how good or bad, that I myself are more than enough and I have to truly believe that. I think you and I both know that that will take some time for me to get there but I know that, God, you are with me every step of the way.

Psalm 143

A psalm of David.

Lord, hear my prayer,
    listen to my cry for mercy;
in your faithfulness and righteousness
    come to my relief.
Do not bring your servant into judgment,
    for no one living is righteous before you.
The enemy pursues me,
    he crushes me to the ground;
he makes me dwell in the darkness
    like those long dead.
So my spirit grows faint within me;
    my heart within me is dismayed.
I remember the days of long ago;
    I meditate on all your works
    and consider what your hands have done.
I spread out my hands to you;
    I thirst for you like a parched land.

Answer me quickly, Lord;
    my spirit fails.
Do not hide your face from me
    or I will be like those who go down to the pit.
Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love,
    for I have put my trust in you.
Show me the way I should go,
    for to you I entrust my life.
Rescue me from my enemies, Lord,
    for I hide myself in you.
10 Teach me to do your will,
    for you are my God;
may your good Spirit
    lead me on level ground.

11 For your name’s sake, Lord, preserve my life;
    in your righteousness, bring me out of trouble.
12 In your unfailing love, silence my enemies;
    destroy all my foes,
    for I am your servant.