a blast from the past

All he wanted was my innocence. He used me, used my depression against me, verbal abuse day after day. “You’re too happy, you’re too sad, you are such a child.” Because of him, I fought with my parents, family, rebelled, did drugs, drank and I acted like I was proud of it. I lost who I really was even when I didn’t know myself. I became the worst person I could be when he was around. He talked about intimate personal things about me in front of everyone. He cheated on me and stung me along when things didn’t go his way. I watched him push me away as he got closer to her even when we were still in a relationship. When she got depressed and started hurting herself, he threw it right back at me “don’t go hurting yourself just to get attention from me!”

We decided to go to Vegas for my birthday and he wanted to bring her along. We had our own room, our friends in the other. We started to mess around and one thing led to another. After some time I wanted to stop and I told him to stop but he kept going. It started to get really rough and hurt really bad and I told him it was hurting and to stop again, but he still didn’t stop until he felt he was done. I was in so much pain so I stayed laying on the bed. When we got up, we got decent and joined our friends, they thought we were just having crazy sex. After that weekend, we broke up. At one point some of us friends went to get coffee and I overheard him say to someone, “All I wanted was her innocence.”

Around this same time my parents were starting to go through their divorce. It didn’t make things easy at all. I smoked when I shouldn’t have. For years all I wanted was to hurt him back, to get revenge on him. Even 3 years into the next relationship I had, that was all I could think of. I wanted to hurt him, I wanted to kill him, I wanted him to die, four of five years I would try to get my revenge, try to figure out where he lived.

After some time I forgot about it. Some things changed. Another 5 years passed and here I am now. But I can’t forget the way it made me feel, the way it still makes me feel about myself. So violated and dirty and broken. I should had my guard up. I shouldn’t have given myself away so easily. Is it my fault that this happened to me? That I let it happen? Who is it that I need to forgive? I don’t want to talk about it because I feel so ashamed of myself. Even just writing it down is hard. I don’t want to cry anymore. I don’t want to hurt anymore or feel this way and I keep saying that every single time and now I sound like a broken record. I don’t want to tell this story anymore. At the same time, I know my life wouldn’t be the same if none of this happened. I wouldn’t be the person I am. I would probably be lost in a world of shadows hiding behind everyone I could, like everyone else and not having my own mind, my own personality. And even when Derick tried to turn me into someone else, he got me to find my own true self. As harsh of a reality that I had to go through with them, all I had to do was to look deeper, behind what was really happening. In a sense, maybe I should thank them, because of them, I am not as sensitive, I can think for myself and know that I am making the right decisions in life. I have the strength to stand up for what I believe is right.

**This is something I wrote a long time ago. I found it in one of my journals. I wrote it because I’ve gotten over, worked through this particular part of my life.**

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lets pretend

Lets pretend that this mental illness of mine was all made up. That I am doing it for attention. That I don’t need to take all this medicine. That I am always on the up and up and life is good. Then reality kicks in and it is all very real. I’m not doing it to get attention. Believe me, I don’t like getting all the attention. I don’t want to feel like this. I don’t want to have to rely on medication just to make me feel normal. I don’t want to constantly be asked “Are you okay?” because I really don’t have an answer and of course I’m going to lie and say that I am. But at the same time I don’t want to talk about it either. There is nothing to talk about. I’m just in a state of mind. The in between. Not negative, not positive, I’m in nowhere land. I have no control over this. It just happens without me knowing it and by that time, it’s too late. I’m already there. I’m in this state of mind that is indescribable. A blank stare across my face. My inside is hollow with cobwebs hanging here and there. Cold grey cement walls. No thoughts. No words. No actions. How long it lasts, I don’t know. I can’t put on a happy face anymore and pretend that everything is okay. I wish I could, it would make things a lot easier. People won’t get hurt. I don’t choose to be like this. But I can’t take it anymore. I don’t want to have to explain myself to people when they see me like this because there is no explanation. I’m tired of having to pretend that everything is okay, that I am okay, because I’m not and everything is not okay. I don’t want to be fixed, my doctor is already doing that. You just gotta let it pass. Lets just pretend that people understand what it is that I’m going through and give me a break. I am trying my hardest to get through this and I gotta tell you, this, THIS, is REALLY REALLY REALLY HARD! I haven’t given up yet. I’m still here, aren’t I? But please, don’t be offended if you are not the person that I choose to talk to about this. I do it for good reason. So in the end, lets just pretend that I don’t have this mental illness and you treat me like a normal person as if nothing was ever wrong.

not quite an open book

I have a hard time talking about my depression. It’s easier for me to stay away from people, no one gets hurt and I don’t become a burden to anyone. A lot of people tell me that I could talk to them and that they are there for me. Unfortunately, like many of us, there are only certain people that we can confide in. So with that being said, thank you, but no thank you in the most sincere way. But then, there comes a time when I do try to open up to someone. I give very subtle hints and maybe they may not even be noticeable so it is at no fault to that person if they don’t notice it. Instead of picking up on my hint, they tell me to do something else and the conversation is over. At the same time it turns me further away from trying to talk about things and am reminded of why I don’t dare try to bring things up and then hide them even more. It’s ok, I’m used to it. I’ve hid it for a very long time and it is extremely hard for me to talk about in the first place. I don’t know when or if there will ever be a time that I talk about it outside of my therapist’s office. I mean sometimes I have a lot of things to say and others, there is absolutely nothing. Nothing at all, just stuck in a state of mind. Truth be told, I am afraid of openly talking about it because I really don’t know what the other person is going to say and I don’t know what to expect from them either. I am afraid that they will say something that will offend me or vice versa and then we end up getting mad at each other because of the misunderstanding. I know I haven’t given it a chance so I shouldn’t even be critical of it, but it really scares me to talk about it. If I end up somehow talking about it, it is very very surface level, nothing to really know exactly what is going on, just that I’m in an off mood or I’m not myself today or something doesn’t feel right, whatever excuse I can come up with to dodge the conversation. I never really liked the attention either. So, it’s just going to be an ongoing battle of what should I do?

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don’t think you know me

I’ve only told a hand full of people who really know what’s going on with me and I’d like to keep it that way. I recently reconnected with someone, one of the ones that I have told more about me than I would have liked to. I didn’t get into much detail, just the basics of what it was. We had dinner and hung out one night. We talked over the weekend, then maybe silence for a day or two, okay, maybe three. All of a sudden I get a message saying “I feel like you dumped me. I feel like you, like how you feel when those guys on the dating sites just stop talking to you.” Okay. Really! It was maybe one or two days that I didn’t talk to you! I had other things going on! The world doesn’t revolve around you. And really, when you reconnect with someone, you don’t hang out as often as you used too. So, I apologized. And then they said it again but in a different way, “You treated me like those guys treated you on the those dating sites.” Again, I apologized profusely! Why am I the one having to apologize?!? I didn’t do anything wrong!!! So I told them, and this is true, like I have to justify anything to anyone, I had a depressive episode and I’m sorry that you got caught in the line of fire. It just happened to be at the same time that I shut down and hid from the world. They go to say that “I don’t have to hide from them and that they know my world because I’ve shared it with them before, they know me and they are trying to bring it out of me.” OKAY!!! FIRST OF ALL, YOU DON’T KNOW ME! You only know what I told you, which isn’t everything! SECOND, DON’T TRY TO FIX ME!!! Don’t try to bring things out of me, I have my own way of dealing with things. If the people closest to me don’t even know everything that is going on with me, including my best friend that I talk to everyday, and I still hide from him, still don’t tell him everything, what makes you think I would tell you everything and fix everything just for you?!? THIRD Don’t try to use what you know about me against me! If you claim to say that you understand what I am dealing with, then we wouldn’t be having this conversation! I wouldn’t have to explain myself to you! I’m dealing with a lot of SHIT right now and I don’t need you to make it worse. If you push me I will drop you like those guys do to me on the dating sites! I am a nice person, but don’t push my buttons!

You can spend all of your time with someone and still not know everything about them. Everyone has secrets.

I Wish They Knew

Everyday we hear of someone committing suicide. Someone’s relative’s nephew. A man that lived down the street who walked his dog everyday. A famous rockstar. Whoever it might be. Then you hear the people around them talking about how selfish they were to take their own lives and what will happen to those they leave behind. He was so happy all the time. You would never think he would do such a thing.

Well I wish we all knew what they were thinking at the time they did this. I certainly can’t give you a full description but maybe a slight intuition as to what it might have been at that moment.

We could be our happiest selves and be positive around everyone we come across. We go about our daily lives as if nothing has changed. At the right moment all we can think of is I DON’T want to GO ON! I DON’T WANT TO LIVE ANYMORE! I DON’T WANT TO FEEL THIS WAY ANYMORE! I’M TIRED OF FIGHTING! I JUST WANT TO MAKE IT GO AWAY! I DON’T CARE ANYMORE! Just get it over with! The scary part is when we JUST DON’T CARE about what happens and in the next few moments and the damage is done.

There is so much more that could be going on from person to person depending of what they have been through in each of their lives. Who’s to say that every scenario is the same. This, this is simply my story, the limited version. I write this because this is what I’ve felt like the past two times I failed to pull it off. I write this because I want to stick up for every person that has committed suicide and has been criticized. No one knows what that person has been through and no one has the right to judge. Yes it happened and its a tragedy, but please let them be at peace and stop the criticism.

There are a lot of people out there who are depressed and need help. If you know someone or are someone who needs help, please call the  Suicide Prevention Hotline 1-800-273-8255.

If you text 741741 when you are feeling depressed or suicidal, a crisis worker will text you back immediately and continue to text with you. Many young people do not like talking on the phone and would be more comfortable texting. It’s a free service to ANYONE who lives in the U.S. It’s run by The Crisis Text Line.
#SuicideAwareness
#YouAreImportant
#741741

 

The Devil’s Playground

He stands around in the dark, watching, waiting for the right time. You notice him and he lets you see him with a grin on his face and you get scared, try to shrug it off and carry on with what you were doing. He begins to follow you as a shadow in a small distance, you see his grin grow and this time he starts to laugh at you. Each time you notice him, he gets closer. The closer he gets, the more he plays with your mind, feeds it with things you probably wouldn’t think of. Now I feel like he’s inside, he’s gotten in… He plans it all out for you… this is how it will happen, this is what you will do, this is what you will write to whoever. If you don’t do it, he gives you another plan… you know where this is, you know where that is you just go home and get it and it’s up to you after that. What is he going to do next? There is no way out.

Everything in my mind is about death or my destruction and how to do it or ways to do it as if he is controlling me. I’ve been defeated, I have no strength to fight back, he’s too strong and I’m too weak. I don’t know how long I’ll be able to hold on. He’s pushed me so far down into a black hole that there is no way of climbing back up. How long will this last? I just want it to be over.

**Something I wrote some time back during one of my severe depression phases but very much felt real to me.**

life’s roller coasters

It’s been over a month and I haven’t got much to say only that life has been one massive roller coaster in the last few weeks. My last post mentioned my ongoing ordeal with depression and medication that hasn’t failed on me for 5 months, actually 6 months. Well I spoke too soon and now I am I’m in the process of changing medication again because they did fail on me. Sadly because of my depression, I am skeptical of any good changes that will take place until they actually do and I feel normal again.

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At the beginning of the month I was doing perfectly fine. Did my volunteer work and took pictures at a kid’s birthday party, got my Likin Park tattoo, I even planned a couple of days off to myself. One day I took Mochi to the dog beach and hung out with my cousin the rest of the day. The next day I went to El Matador State Beach in Malibu with a friend and even took a bit of a fall and scratched up both my arms on some rocks without breaking my $700 camera, phew, that was close. Went shopping the day after that.

All of a sudden, it hit me like a ton of bricks waaaay out of left field. The next day I was in bed all day, didn’t want to do anything, didn’t want to see anyone, didn’t want to talk to anyone, just leave me alone! As the days passed by, the depression got worse. I have a new ghost that hangs around and my demons are back. I’m afraid of my own room again. I’m afraid of looking in the mirror again. I have this heavy weight on my shoulders, emotionless, lifeless, I had no motivation to do anything, no motivation for life. Everything I did was forced. Even taking Mochi to the park was a huge task. I don’t want to run or train anymore. My half marathon coming up doesn’t matter to me anymore. I don’t care. I just don’t care! I thought about getting the semicolon tattoo at some point and it would be a promise to myself that I would never cross that line, but for some reason that promise is hard to swallow and I couldn’t get passed it. So why do it if I can’t even keep a promise to myself? My doctor says that these feelings will go away again once they get my medication back on track, I just gotta hang on and wait it out. And all I can think of is it’s in one ear and out the other. Like I said I’m skeptical about the change of medication working until maybe the third try… until then… I’ll just be indifferent about the whole thing.