Self Love

Things have been going so well for me. Life is good. Work is good. Family is good. I really couldn’t ask for anything more. Even with COVID going on all around us, I’m one of the lucky ones who can say that everything is really going okay. Probably even better than okay. So why is it that when I finally get to this point in life, I get that feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop? Back then all I could hope for was for things to get better and that I survive whatever problem that I am stuck in. Took me years of heartache and clawing tooth and nail to get through the things that I’ve gone through and now that things are finally good, I feel like something bad is going to happen. Is it the skeptic in me? That this is all too good to be true? That being happy is just a short term thing? When will I ever feel like everything will be okay from now on? I know you go through the normal ups and downs in life but I mean the big stuff, the stuff that I’ve dreaded falling back into? The thought of ever being in that state again still scares me. I had a minor episode back in November but that doesn’t mean that I won’t have a major episode at any time. Every time something good happens in my life, this feeling of something bad is going to happen comes back. Like good things aren’t meant for me, is the message I’m getting from myself. I stop here. I don’t go any further. Life is just at a standstill. I’ve done all that I’m supposed to do in life and that is it. No good could come from anything else so I should just stop trying. But then why does life keep giving me new opportunities to keep moving forward only to fail in the end? Or is it me who is setting myself up to fail? It is so ingrained in my head that I don’t deserve any more than what I have that I set myself up to fail. I am my own worst critic. I am my own worst enemy. I, myself, am not good enough for anything. Why don’t I deserve more? What would it take to change that about me? What would it take to change my own self worth? What would it take for me to finally realize that I do deserve the good things that this life has to offer? The one thing I lack is self love.

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