here we go again…

I haven’t spoken about it in a long time. I haven’t had to. There hasn’t been any reason to bring it up until now. Slowly. He says “we can talk about it when you are ready.” Will I ever really be ready to talk about it again? Life has just been about going forward and not even thinking about that thing, I just take medicine twice a day and check in with my psychiatrist every three months but we have never really talked about it again. We never had to because I am doing fine, because I am stable and in remission. I have been for the past year, at least I think so. Am I ready to talk about it again? Will I ever be able to talk about it again? The last time I did, I ended up having an episode and it seemed like talking about it became a trigger. So did I really beat this thing or is it just lingering in the back of my mind waiting to come out again and the meds are just keeping me in check? It is almost as if I can never really talk about it without it affecting me in any way. Each time I do, I have to face it again and each time I do, will I be ready to face it again? And there it is, the other shoe begins to fall.

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