I just want them to be there and listen

4 years later and I haven’t gotten over it. Do you ever get over having a mental illness? When do you stop thinking about it when you have a constant reminder that this is what you have? I talked it over with my therapist and it was making things better and then it comes back again. I don’t want to go back to therapy. I don’t want to talk about it anymore. If I hide it again, will that make it all better? Just ignore it and move on with my life. But all things you hide come to surface at some point and it will bite me in the ass later, right? Some say go to group therapy. I refuse because I have bad social anxiety. It’s one thing to type it up and talk about it on cyberspace because you are hiding behind a screen the entire time and no one really sees you versus standing in front of a group of people and talking about your problems. I don’t like being that vulnerable in public. I wish they had a manual for mental illness. This is what you go through, this is what you have to do to get through it, this is what will happen to you when you go through it. But no, there is no manual. Everyone is different. Every illness is different. Who’s to say that the next person is going to go through the same things that you do and they will handle it the same way you do? I wish I could just snap my fingers and voi la, my depression is gone. I could have gone about this differently you know… All this time it was just me, I can get through this, I don’t need their help. They were asking me to teach them on how to take care of me when I didn’t even know how to do that in the beginning. So I pushed them away. And now there really isn’t anyone that I can talk to about all of this. No wonder I can’t talk about it. I have trust issues. I just want some one to be there and listen to what I have to say whenever I get the guts to really say it out loud outside a therapist’s office. And I know I won’t be able to say it all at once because certain things, just by even thinking about voicing it out, makes me cry before I can even say anything. I just want someone who will be there and listen when I need them to be there and listen.


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