It’s been 8 or 9 months now, I think, and my medication hasn’t failed on me. YAY! Before I couldn’t get past 6 months without my doctor having to change my meds and I would go into this period of depression every time. I didn’t even notice it until my last doctor appointment. I had to look up when my doctor originally prescribed the last change and it was May of 2018. Why am I ranting about this? Well because my doctor finally found the right medication for me and I’m no longer a guinea pig. Things are always looking up nowadays and it feels good. My last post I said I don’t remember what it feels like when things were really bad, that is still true. I try to read my old journals during those days and I wince and cringe at the thought of ever feeling that way again. Anyway, things are good, have been good and seem to be looking good. No complaints here.
I have this friend who was going through deep depression the same time I was. We would sulk in our misery together. Somehow our level of depression seemed to always be the same every time we saw each other. When we were at our lowest point, I remember us saying how we didn’t remember what it felt like to be happy. That we haven’t smiled in such a long time. All we felt all the time was emptiness. We didn’t want to live another day. We just wanted to end it all, right then and there. I don’t remember when we said those things or felt them. Sometime last year I think. We met up about every six months or so and would text each other every once in a while after that.
It has been over six months since the last time we met and that last time, we were already both doing okay. We met again this past weekend and let me tell you. Someway, somehow, we both are happy and loving life. She did what she needed to get better and I have written about mine. We sat in front of each other scratching our heads and laughing and saying “remember when we said we don’t know what it feels like to be happy?” Now we are saying we don’t know what it feels like to be where we were when we were depressed. We laugh and we smile. Life is good for both of us.
Never did I imagine that things could be like this. I thought I wasn’t going to make it to the end of the year. I didn’t think I could be happy again. To be able to look past tomorrow and the next day and next week and even next month. Heck, maybe even the next year. All I know is that my medicine is working and things couldn’t be any better. I still have that fear that my medicine will stop working at some point because I get immune to them, but I just got to remember that I am happy right here right now and I can always come back to this point, if not, even better.