relationship status

So I’ve dated quite a few guys here and there and obviously none of them have worked out. Why? Because I ended things for a number of reasons, not going to list all of them, I probably wrote about a few of them already. Going through all these short term relationships, if that is what you call them, I realize that I don’t want a relationship. This should come as no surprise because I talk about it with my therapist enough times already. I realize that all that I’m looking for is someone to hang out with, someone to do things with, maybe a travel buddy. I don’t want the commitment of a relationship. I like my independence way too much. I know some people have said that that shouldn’t matter in a relationship, but in some instances, you kinda loose a bit of it in said relationship. I was watching “How to be Single” over the weekend and she said something that I think I have always thought about because I’ve been single for some time now…

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“I’ve been thinking that the time we have to be single, is really the time we have to get good at being alone. But, how good at being alone do we really want to be? Isn’t there a danger that you’ll get so good at being single, so set in your ways, that you’ll miss out on the chance to be with somebody great?”

I’ve gotten really good at being single. I do things on my own so much that I forget to invite people along. I remember asking my mom why she was dating and she threw the question right back at me and it got me thinking… why am I dating? I know I said it that I was lonely and it goes back to just having someone to do things with, a companion. Dating just happened to get thrown in the mix just cause my doctor insisted that I get a move on with my love life. Well now, I’ve decided, I just can’t seem to find the right guy and I’m way too picky, but who isn’t? I give up. I’m done dating. I’m done looking for love. If love is out there for me, if it’s in the cards for me, then it will come find me. At that point, all my conditions, reservations, pickiness, and whatever other things that hold me back from any relationship should go away, right? So universe, the ball is in your court.

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i beat you to it

I meet a guy. We go out on a few dates, talk/text and obviously like each other. Then things get start to get rocky on my end, personal stuff, I have another episode. I end up leaving the guy in the dark because I don’t want to talk about it. In a day or two I say goodbye to the person and send them on their way because I want to be fair to them. I don’t want to leave them hanging and feel helpless because I won’t let them into my mess. And we’re back to shutting people out. Damn, I’m getting really good at this!

First of all, I want to be fair to them. I don’t know how long my episode(s) will last and each time it’s different. They will just be left in the dark because I don’t want to talk about it, especially because I barely know them. They will end up feeling helpless because they want to help but don’t know how. Not their fault. At the same time, I’m dealing with this episode and it’s consuming me and the last thing I want to have to worry about is entertaining this guy every now and then so he knows that I’m alive. The last thing you want to worry about when you’re depressed is another person. I don’t mean to be cold, but it’s true.

Second, I don’t want to have to explain myself for anything that happens. Why this or why that? Things that are out of my control. I don’t want to have to explain for you to understand. I don’t want to have to repeat what I’ve told others already… It’s exhausting just hearing about it and I don’t want to bore you or make you worry. I barely know you.

Third, I think that I am too much to handle. I come with a lot of baggage. I’m a huge complicated mess. I’m a lot to deal with. A person can say that they can handle it right now, but what about later down the road? Years later? How will you feel then? I don’t want to be a burden to anyone and I certainly don’t want them to resent me for what I end up putting them through because of my situation. So I beat them to the punch, I leave before any harm can be done. I leave before I could cause them any pain. I leave before they could cause me any pain.

It will be hard for any guy to come into my life because of this. You would have to be really really special to get past my walls. For me to talk to you about what I go through in my darkest moments will be your ticket in. Good Luck! and good luck to me if I ever find that guy that I will actually let into my life.

I’m just a little “Unwell”

I was driving home today and heard the song “Unwell” by Rob Thomas. It got me thinking about how much it reflects on how I feel sometimes. I have this thing, Schizoaffective Disorder, that I’ve kinda talked about on here but have a hard time talking about in person. This song kinda helps give me a voice in this saying that I have this thing… “but I’m not crazy, I’m just a little unwell…” People tell me, “you don’t seem like it.” Well, “I know right now you can’t tell, but stay a while and maybe then you’ll see a different side of me. I’m not crazy, I’m just a little impaired… but soon enough you’re gonna think of me and how I used to be, me.” I know it’s hard for people to listen to what I have to say sometimes because I know how scary it is. To hear the things that I have to say, from someone you love, something so heartbreaking that you wouldn’t believe that I would say those things. I’m still me, I just have this other side to me. I know it’s a little scary, but if you stay a while and maybe you’ll see that it’s not as bad as it may seem. And maybe if I let you stay a while, then maybe I’ll see a different side of you and you may not be as bad as I think it may seem.

In the word of Rob Thomas’ song “Unwell”

But I’m not crazy, I’m just a little unwell
I know right now you can’t tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you’ll see
A different side of me
I’m not crazy, I’m just a little impaired
I know right now you don’t care
But soon enough you’re gonna think of me
And how I used to be, me

I shut people out and don’t let anyone in

A lot has happened in the past week and I can’t say that it was all good. My past caught up with me again and in the same time I didn’t realize that I put up more walls to add to the ones that I already had to begin with. I’ve been through a whole heck of a lot of heartache and trust issues and still going through many of life’s roller coasters. With that being said, I naturally built walls, apparently too many to count. I’ve become over protective of myself that I have, not knowingly, shut people out. I think about it and I really only trust maybe one person to know what goes on with my life and I still don’t tell them everything. Now that I think about it, I’ve shut out the people closest to me, my friends and family. I refused to let my own family know what was going on in my life and I’ve kept it that way for a very long time. Even now I still find it hard to open up to them. I remember a conversation I had with my mom and she told me that she knows I have a hard time trusting people. When she said that to me, it kinda struck a chord in a sense that it is true and maybe I didn’t want to hear it. I lived my life in a way where I wouldn’t get hurt. I do everything on my own. I had to prove to myself and everyone that I was fine on my own, that I didn’t need anyone. If anything went wrong, it was because of me and no one else would be at fault. Simple as that. Easier to accept. I shut people out and I didn’t let anyone in. And then I begin to wonder why I feel so lonely sometimes.

I had a chance at something great and because I wouldn’t let anyone in, I shut this person out and lost a good thing before it could even happen.

just be there

So with all this crazy talk of negativity, it’s time for a change of pace, shall we?

I’m a naturally quiet person. I’m an introvert with social anxiety. If I don’t know you, I won’t be the first to speak when we meet. There are those people who love to talk and can talk and talk and talk and talk to no end at all. Every now and then I come across someone who can’t just sit still if nothing is being said. Being a quiet person, I don’t have much to say as is, and I don’t talk about my life so openly. So I get comments like “why are you so quiet?” or “What’s wrong? You’re not talking.” There isn’t anything wrong, I just don’t have anything to say. That’s all.

But then there are moments in life when all you need is for someone to just be there. Nothing needs to be said or done. Just simply that their presence alone makes things better. Just sitting there quietly is a conversation in itself. A mutual understanding. You could cry all you want and they will be there to wipe your tears away and just hold you tight but still not say a word and the world seems perfect again.

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There are only some people who understand this and could actually do it, so from the bottom of my heart, THANK YOU!

I found that person who I could tell everything to again. Someone who I want to know every thing that happens at every moment that it happens, that I can’t wait to tell that person whether it be good or bad because I know either way that person will find a way to turn it around and make me laugh. Knowing that I will not be judged by anything that I say and I can truly be open with this person on sooo many levels that I become talkative. Wait, but that is unheard of! But it can happen… There are just those people who bring out the best in you.

Only the Lonely

As much as I love doing things on my own, not having to worry about anyone else at all, it really does get lonely. I know I’ve said it time and time again, I’m lonely. This past weekend I went up to the Sequoia National Park. Did some hiking, climbed a rock, more hiking, saw ginormous trees and more hiking before a four hour drive home. It was nice being out in the woods since there isn’t a lot of it in the city. I had plenty of time to think to myself, clear my mind, overthink some things and in the end I still thought, I wish someone actually came with me.

A couple of weeks ago I was in the middle of downtown L.A. for their monthly art walk. Went from gallery to gallery and found a couple of the artists that I follow. I even went to a place called The Last Book Store. Pretty cool place. A giant maze of books. Everywhere you went, there were books.

On my way to one of the galleries, the scene was straight from a bad movie where there is a girl all alone in the dark street and three guys coming her way and attack her. I was lucky and didn’t get attacked. I made it to the gallery and I just had this eerie feeling when I walked in. Creepy security guard in the entrance. The building was empty. Took the elevator to the 5th floor. Inside the elevator was all carpet with a dim light and musty smell. I walk out of the elevator and find myself in an empty half lit hallway. I look for the suite number of the gallery, turn a corner here and another one there and then I found it but the door was locked. Gosh I wish someone was here with me. So I had to go back through the dim lit hallways back to the creepy elevator down the building and back into the dark street alone. I eventually made my way back to the crowded streets and made it back to my car. After that, I didn’t go to any other galleries because they were opposite from where I was and a lot further and I certainly didn’t want to go down any more dark streets. This is why I wish someone was with me. Well one of the reasons.

That Saturday, I went to Santa Monica for a Kite Festival. I love kites! I brought my camera to take pictures. I wanted to fly a kite but couldn’t because no one would hold my camera for me. I didn’t stay too long since they kept flying the same kites. I walked around 3rd Street Promenade a bit, got something to eat then went home.

My cousin always tells me how jealous she is of my life and how I can go anywhere whenever I want to and be spontaneous. We were roommates for two and a half years. We were Disneyland buddies. We would go on food adventures together. I miss those days. She’s got two kids now.

So I know how it feels like to have a friend or a companion or just someone to do and share all these things with and now I do everything alone. I may be courageous and say, “YEAH I DID IT ALL BY MYSELF!” and be proud of myself for doing so, but it always comes back to me being lonely. Everyone is like, “Look at you, miss independent.” and will say “I’m so jealous of you.” But on the flip side, I look at their lives and see that they have a family, they have family events, everything is done with someone. So I will say this, I am jealous of you. You have memories to share with your family. Don’t get me wrong, I like doing all the things that I do, I just wish I could share them with someone.

Afraid to love again

So I’ve gone on a handful of first dates and none have gotten past that. I’ve never really had to think what if things did work out and there was a second or third date? Except once. Where would that lead to? What would happen? I went on a date with a guy a couple of weeks ago and he really really liked me. To be honest, it kinda scared me. It’s hard for me to remember how it felt like to be liked by another, let alone have them like me more than I liked them. But then again, this guy was going waaay too fast. I mean he was already asking me hypothetical questions like if in the long run things went well, would I move in with him? And do I think my family would like him? Hold on there bud! It’s only the first date. Now I know how guys feel when us girls go planning things out way too quickly. I guess men do it too. HA He asked me what my expectations were for our date and in all honesty, I said I didn’t have any, which was true. Only because I’ve been on so many dates and none of them have gone past the first so there is nothing to be expected. What can I say? I’m sure he didn’t like the answer, but I don’t lie. He told me I should or need to take risks in life and need to live life to the fullest, something along those lines. Believe me I do. I live my life. I have fun. I do what I want when I want, just not in that department. I’ve been hurt too many times. The wounds are deep and have healed, but the scars are there. I realize that I’m deathly afraid of really letting myself get into a relationship that I probably ruin my chances before it could even happen. Will I ever learn to love again? Or will I be too heavily guarded to even let anyone in?

Broken heart character icon in red color. Hurt love symbol.