hopeless romantic

To love and to be loved… that is what I long for.

I’ve had my fair share of broken hearts and I don’t want it anymore. It hurts really bad you know! I mean it really really hurts! To pour all your heart and soul, everything you have, everything you would give and could give, to a person, to a relationship that you hope would last a lifetime. All for it to fall apart in the end. You feel your heart trying to break free out of your chest and fall to the ground like porcelain and shatter to a million pieces. You try to gasp for air but the air is thin. The weight of the world on your shoulders. The skies turn grey. There is no light at the end of the tunnel. Time and time again. To the point where I gave up on love. I walked away. I walked away from the pain. I walked away from the thought of ever having my heart be broken again.

After 3 years,my heart has had time and managed to put itself back together again. My lungs have air to breathe again and the pain has healed. Not to say if I’m ready to love again, that I don’t quite know. I’m still heavily guarded and have a hard time trusting anyone that tries to get too close. I was chit chatting with my doctor on one of my routine visits and she asked about my love life… I said it was non-existent because it is, but she was not having it. She said, and I quote, “You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince.” That kind of stuck with me. With that being said, I’m back into this so called online dating, I will call it a game, thing. Now I have tried online dating before and there are some mean guys out there I tell you! This time around I’ve ended up with a couple of funny stories, some odd ones, some WHAT THE?!? ones, and you get the picture.

So here goes…

I don’t know if I was being too critical of this guy but you gotta hear me out… We met on POF. He had a cute picture. We started messaging each other and eventually exchanged numbers. From then the text messages were overflowing and at some point we started talking on the phone. One night we were talking for two hours. The next night three. The next night four hours! I mean everything about this guy was going so well! We clicked on so many levels from politics to religion. We finally set up a date. We were going to Universal Citywalk to have lunch and watch a movie. When I walked out of my apartment to go meet him, my jaw dropped to the floor and my heart sank. He did not look at all like his picture! Not even the slightest bit, ok maybe a smidgen? I could not recognize him. How I knew it was him was he had the pig humidifier that we had spoke about. He also carried I guess what you can say was a satchel. So I proceed to say hello and went on the date anyway. We headed to Universal and decided to get lunch before the movie. Okay, normally, on the first date, you sit across from each other but the table that they gave us was an L shape. I sat on one side thinking he was going to sit on the other… NOPE he scooted all the way halfway into my side and squished right next to me. Personal space dude! I couldn’t speak up because I was still trying to figure out if he kinda looked like his picture or not. So we got our food. Our conversation was not like it was over the phone. It was broken, we couldn’t carry a conversation. There was a lot of awkward silence between us. Okay, I understand that it’s different when you meet someone in person versus talking on the phone, but still. After lunch we went to go watch Wonder. It was a bit of a tear jerker… Okay, here is where I don’t know if I’m being too critical. I don’t know you tell me. So, tear jerker movie, I’m sniffling and he notices and he pulls out a pack of tissue from his satchel! I mean thank you. But guys don’t normally carry tissue with them!!! I was totally weirded out and again a jaw dropping moment in this whole thing. So am I being too critical? After the movie he asked me if I wanted coffee, I said no but if he wanted to get something, he could, and he did. More awkward silence while we sat and he sipped his coffee. He asked if I still wanted to go to Universal Studios, mind you it was 6:00 pm. I said no and I had to get home to walk Mochi. He asked if he could join me to walk Mochi and I said no. Got home, date over, FINALLY! Boy  that was painful. No text or phone calls exchanged that evening. The next day he texts me saying he had a good time and asked when could we have our second date? I was honest and said that he was a good guy and we had a lot of things in common but I thought we should just be friends. He texts back thank you for being honest, please delete my contact information and he will do the same as well. Deep breath! That’s over with.

Another guy I was talking to lived in Cerritos. Conversations with him were like pulling teeth. I mean I know we all get busy at work but no contact after about 12 hours or so??? I don’t even know why I kept talking to him, I guess I was just giving him a chance and seeing where things would go? So we finally got to talking about meeting each other. He mentioned a dog park since he knew about Mochi. I don’t remember the exact texts but it went like this… Me: So there is a dog park I go to near my house. Him: Your house? LOL Me: Did I say something wrong? Him: I’m not going up there. I immediately said this isn’t going to work and said goodbye. That was that.

A glimmer of hope… I started talking to another guy. We clicked right off the bat and were texting back and forth and somehow spontaneously decided to meet up that evening. We met at Aroma Cafe near my house. He looked like his picture. Thank God! We ordered coffee and fries. Found a table and just started talking. Everything was going great. Conversation had a good flow, good laughs, found things in common. Said our goodnight and went home. The next day we made plans to meet again. We went to go watch Star Wars one Saturday and went home after that but then he called me again and asked to get dinner. So off we went. Things were still going well. Okay, my only complaint was that he was a little too lax with his clothing. I would think that you would clean up a bit on a date right? Nope he had a bit of a grungy look. After that night, we continued to text but it started to taper off and then it just went away. Oh well.

Then there was this guy that I was talking to for about a month and haven’t met yet… He lived in Laguna. We texted and he would call almost everyday. Okay I feel really bad about this one for stringing him along. So he would call me, sometimes I would pick up and other times I wouldn’t and make up some excuse why I couldn’t answer my phone. Over the holiday season, I told him I was going to be busy with family stuff since my brother was going to be in town just to let him know, this was true. He still tried calling me and I was like, dude!, I’m with my family and don’t have time to talk. He said he missed talking to me and he did this several times which was kind of annoying. After the holidays, I started answering his calls and actually started talking to him. We finally set up a time to meet. I was going to go down to Laguna Beach and make a day out of it. Days leading up to the day we met, one of our conversations was a bit weird… He tells me that he picked a fight with someone at the grocery store because they cut in front of him. The guy had two kids and he was swearing at the dad. He even told me that he yelled at the lady at the register for letting the guy cut in front of him. He said that the guy that cut in front of him was afraid that he was going to hit him. So the guy I’m talking to asks me what I would have done in that situations. I said I would have said “excuse me, there is a line” to they guy but not make a big fuss about it. Guy I’m talking to says well I told you this to gain perspective on how you handle things… Well obviously he doesn’t handle situations very well. He proceeded to say that he had to prove that he was right and needed to stand up for his rights and thats how he was at work and show them who’s boss. I’m like those are two different situations. Then he was like, maybe its because I’m from the east coast… we stand up for what’s right. Okay dude! It was a little thing at the grocery store… no need to go ballistic on anyone for a little thing. The next day I texted him that I didn’t think we should meet anymore. He apologized and said he didn’t mean to scare me. I told him he didn’t scare me, I just didn’t think things would work out between us. He asked to make it up to me and I said ok. He called later that night and continued to apologize non stop. I just said there is nothing to be sorry about and there is nothing to forgive. The situation happened and that’s that. I just don’t want to be there when you have another outburst. He apologized some more and said that he is normally a nice guy, that was just a bad situation. I said, that is not something you would say to someone you are trying to get to know. That was the end of the conversation. The next couple of days he tried texting me and I just didn’t answer. That was the end of that.

Sorry for the long stories, but this is what I’ve run into so far. This online dating this is really hard. I haven’t found my frog prince yet and I don’t know when I will. At the same time, I am still heavily guarded and my walls are up. I’m still very afraid of getting hurt again and putting myself out there puts me at risk for that. I have thought that I would end up alone for the rest of my life which I have accepted for the most part, but I do admit that it gets really lonely sometimes. Not having someone to talk to, someone to make memories with, someone to cuddle with on those cold winter nights. Let alone I am  deathly afraid that when they find out about my mental condition that they will go running. I think that is my biggest fear. On that note, people have told me, if he is the right one, that won’t even be an issue. I hope so. I miss the flowers and the teddy bears. I miss waking up next to someone in the morning. I miss making dinner for someone other than myself, even though I’m not the best cook. I really would like to know how it feels like to be truly loved by someone who loves you more than you love yourself. I guess I’m looking for true love, if it exists and I guess you can just say I’m a hopeless romantic.

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Discovering L.A. through Art

So lately I’ve been going on tours in and around Los Angeles checking out street art courtesy of Cart Wheel Art Tours. On top of that, I’ve been doing my own walking around and finding my own way around. I’ve found a new passion in getting to know the city I’ve lived in and around my whole life through the hidden gems lurking around all over town.

It started when I went on this tour near Filipino Town in L.A. through Gabba Gallery, Cart Wheel Art Tours, and Atlas Obscura. The tour took us through several back alleys of a small section of that neighborhood and I fell in love!

All this time my passion for art was in paintings and going to gallery museums and exhibits. Who knew that there was this other type of art out there that couldn’t be put anywhere but in the back alleys of the streets of Los Angeles.

One weekend, I went to a couple open exhibits in West Hollywood. On the outside of the building were these wall murals of different characters like the monopoly guy. After I went into the exhibit, I decided to explore the area. I started to walk down one side of Melrose Ave and found more street art. I even came across a wall #7575 Melrose Street Art Wall. Melrose Ave has it’s own hashtag! I found several other installations of art that I’ve seen from other tours in LA. There was one that I really liked “From the dirt a flower must grow.”

It’s one of my favorite ones. I also came across one of those wings that you stand in front of and it looks like you have wings. Totally cool! Yes I know, weird language for me. Now I’m on a mission to find the rest in LA.

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By the way, I am having sooooo much fun with this, it’s hard to put it down into words. I’m on an mission! This is just the beginning, until the next time.

Moving on with my life

If you’ve been reading my past blogs, I’ve been through some rough times and have been dealing with depression and other things that life has thrown at me, but who isn’t. I’ve gotten help and am currently undergoing treatment and it seems that the concoction of medicationScreenshot_2017-07-18-16-47-29 they have me under is keeping me normal. For 5 months now, none of my meds have failed on me, phew, that’s a relief. I don’t like going through set backs and becoming a guinea pig with trying to find a new medication that will work. It doesn’t seem like a long time, I mean come on, 5 months? But it feels like a lifetime for me. Before, 1 day of being normal, normal as in not being down in the dumps crying all the time lethargic feeling like a dead weight, was a big deal. Now I’ve been normal for 5 months. Yes, I’m going to rant about it because normal means my clumsy, quirky, weird self is back and I’m back to making fun of myself for all my “duh” moments.

​A couple of months ago, I found out that the guy that I was in love with started dating someone else. A knife to the heart. Not that he wasn’t allowed to, we weren’t even talking at the time so why should I care? Because I was still in love with him, DUH! <– Duh moment…. ​Even though we weren’t even talking, let alone have any sort of relationship at the time, it still felt like I was breaking up with him all over again. Side note… he was my ex-boyfriend. He was a good guy, he didn’t do anything wrong, it just wasn’t our time and our lives were going in different directions. You can’t force an issue. Anyway, so my heart felt like it was ripped open once again and I’m moping around being jealous because now someone else has all his attention and it’s not me.

It didn’t take me long, a few days, of being sad and mopey about the whole situation, but in the midst of talking it over with my sister and the reality of it all, I had an epiphany, a “light bulb” moment (from Despicable Me). light bulbI realized why I still loved him and why we weren’t together and why it all just made sense and the puzzle pieces magically just fit together. At that moment, instead of being mopey and sad and jealous about the situation, I decided to turn this negative to a positive. I’ve been hung up on this guy for so long that I didn’t realize I was putting my own life on hold. I needed him to move on so that I could move on. I know that sounds pathetic, but maybe, just maybe, I was still hanging on to the hopes of us getting back together? Even if a potential good guy came along, I wouldn’t have known. Love is blind!

Time heals all wounds. I could say that now, I don’t think about it or him and him dating doesn’t bother me anymore, I don’t miss him anymore. That’s a good thing. I’m finally moving on with my life. I’M FINALLY MOVING ON WITH MY LIFE! Yes I have to repeat that because it has been on hold for a very long time. (When you are that much in love with someone, if you’re not careful, there is a tendency that you might loose yourself in the process.) My life doesn’t revolve around his anymore. I’ve finally thought about what is it that I like to do? Not what he likes to do. What do I like to eat? and I’ve realized I’m actually a picky eater. I’m doing what I always like to do when I want to do them because I want to do them. It’s like I’ve graduated. I’ve grown up. I’ve become an adult and I’m laughing at myself as I write this because it just FEELS SO GOSH DARN GOOD and why did it take me so long to get here? That’s life’s lesson for you.

on the up and up

It’s been a crazy month but that phrase doesn’t seem to change for me does it? but it’s ok, things are going good… it was bad for some time, maybe too long in my book but what is good without the bad? it’s what makes the good even better right?!? I do miss writing, i miss my random rants about anything and everything and my mind has been on soooo many road trips good and bad… half and half too… at this point I’m back to rambling before i even get to the meat of the subject but that’s how i normally am right? besides, what is normal? heck i don’t know? who’s to determine what that should be? and besides the normal ones are weird and the weird ones are normal… so there… if that doesn’t make sense to you… it’s not supposed to.. haha i feel like i’m finding myself again, i miss me, a lot! nice to have you back! it’s good to be back! i’ve made it another year, woohoo! i’m doing a lot better than expected of myself, medicine is doing its job.

15078677_10211575985380953_6371228842385683589_nso i’ve set some new goals… i submitted Mochi’s picture for a calendar for 2018, hopefully it gets on there. i submitted other pictures as well. The cats are out and about getting along with Mochi dog. I signed up for a Disney Half Marathon in September, a Hillsong Conference in November, and I’m back in my piano lessons… notice that these are all for the next year if not two so i’m doing some reaching here… that’s good cuz i used to not be able to look past one day. Oh yeah I switched jobs, back to my old job and I am much happier! feels like home. I feel like I made the right decision and I’m happy with my decision.

With All of that said there is still only one person to thank for all of this, God! God is and will always be there to support me, listen to my hearts cries, and answer my prayers. Last weekend at my retreat, with the help of Pastor Tim, he confirmed all of this for me. That God has always been there, that God has always listened, and that God answers prayers. Pastor Tim told me things that came from God that were some of my deepest darkest secrets and deepest prayers, and yet through Pastor Tim, God speaks to me. Faith grows that much stronger.

to be loved

already having issues of really low self esteem growing up and after so many years and many different people telling you that you’re too happy or too sad or too emotional or why are you mad or you can’t be angry, you’re not allowed to cry or whatever it might be that they didn’t like about you…a few always said that to me… throughout the day, every day, every new emotion that I had… it gets really really confusing! already not knowing how to act and not being able to express any type of emotion and having to keep a straight face and just suck it up and make it seem like nothing ever happened. Then the flip side, why inner demonare you always so serious? WOW talk about stripping someone of any emotional capability. Then the next one says to me, “why don’t you dress like her, why don’t you dance like her, why don’t you listen to her type of music?” The next question should have been “Why aren’t you her?” and my response, “THEN WHY DON’T YOU DATE HER!?!” You’re not skinny enough, you’re thighs are bigger than my arms! and the list goes on! You forget who you are and how to react or even have a reaction to anything. Actually, I did, but no one ever knew. Outside, a straight face, or a face that everyone and anyone would accept, can’t show any hint of something they may not like. Inside, the aftermath of a never ending nuclear explosion of emotions. There is no making sense of anything at all. There is no reference point to even build from. The heart is broken to and maybe almost at the point of disintegrating into nothingness.

And yet I wonder how I ever and if I ever really was capable of really loving anyone? And if anyone really ever loved me back. All I ever really wanted was to be loved for who I am… who is that really? Who could love me considering that I couldn’t love myself or even know who I was? Even when given sincere compliments by anyone my reaction is “Uhm… thanks” and on the inside I’d be like, yea right!

Somewhere along the way there was one that cared enough… “I fell for the girl in pain” he said to me… and he listened, he saw me cry, he saw the emotions that I never dare show anyone else and he stayed. He taught me and showed me what it was like to be taken care of, to be loved for nothing more or nothing less than who I was and whatever I was going through at each moment. He LDSC06014OVED me! and I truly LOVED him back! But our paths were going in different directions and I had to let him go. My heart ached, the pain was real, my heart was shattered once again.  I went through heavier, most difficult times of my life back then up until now… even when we were no longer a couple, he still cared for me like no other. The unspoken love he has for me still shows to this day and I would rather have him as a friend than not have him in my life. But with me letting him go and he letting me go, was probably the best love that I had ever experienced… he let me grow, he let me learn to take care of me while standing in the sidelines making sure that I was ok. HE LET ME BE ME! and constantly reminds me that I am enough and that I don’t need to change anything about me. You hold a special place in my heart!

 

Sometimes I think I was meant to go through all the rough times to really appreciate what it truly means to love and to be loved.

 

camping vs real camping

since I was a kid, my family would go on camping trips every year and oh how i looked forward to them. I mean we would go in big groups, entire families, cousins, aunts, uncles, friends and all. From Big Bear to Mammoth, Yosemite, and all over southern Cali. I remember we would bring pack soon much stuff with us, blankets, pillows, sleeping bags, you know, the necessities. Then came the kitchen stuff! I mean pots and pans, chopping boards, and tons and tons of food! I mean I know we gotta eat and all, so we pretty much brought the whole house if I really think about it, HAHA! Don’t forget the lamps and flashlights. And the camp sites were clean and came with actual facilities so that we could have hot showers, you just need quarters LOL… but oh it was fun and nice to be clean before going to bed after playing all day in the dirt and sand and being sticky after sunscreen and sweat dripping all over you…. eeewwww hahaha

And then, I ended up going camping on the whim over the 4th of July weekend. I must say, we weren’t prepared at all! We just packed clothes and a couple sleeping bags and a cooler with ice. No camping reservations. I mean we didn’t know what time we were going to leave in the first place. We ended up going to the grocery store on the way to the campsite and pretty much bought what we wanted to eat and easy to cook that didn’t require much attention… We had to buy a stove, kitchen knife, and a flashlight, just the bare minimum to get by. We got to Kernville and started looking for a spot. I really didn’t think you could go camping on the fly! All this time I know my mom had to make reservations far in advance to even get a spot and everything would be all planned out. But back to camping on the fly. We finally found a spot… or so we thought. Since the site wasn’t regulated, we just asked the nearby neighbors if we could plop down next to them since it was just me and one other person. No biggie. We were so close to the river, it was great! Somehow managed to pitch a broken tent after the sun had gone down and cook dinner and eat by 10pm. Oh by the way, we forgot a lighter! =O   We had to ask our neighbors for one every time we wanted to cook. Sheesh! Who knew having a lighter or source of fire would be so important when camping? Then time for bed, okay, so where is the bathroom so I could wash up? My friend points to the river. LOL What?!? I’ve never gone camping without a bathroom facility! LOL Yes I know I’m spoiled! Just a little. =P   So since this site was first come first serve, the spot we ended up with had nothing but rocks! So we ended up sleeping on a bed rock. HAHA HA HA

The next day, we wake up, made breakfast… managed to make some coffee, is a must! What to do now? lets go for a hike and find a spot near the river to hang the hammock. Sure! Brought some water and started walking. We found a spot, hung up the hammock, and decided to take a quick nap. Woke up since the sun was hitting our faces and decided to jump in the river. That felt OH SO GOOD! considering it was pretty hot during the day. swam around and somehow managed to float near our campsite. We decided to grab some snacks and more drinks and walk back to where we left our hammock. Found a new shady spot, hung around for a bit, ate some fruit, and back to sleep we go. The sun managed to follow us to every shady spot we found, but its ok, we would just jump back in the river to cool off. We headed back to the campsite for lunch. After lunch, another nap, wake up and jump in the river again… this side of the river had a bit of a stronger current, I lost my footing and got carried away and the current slammed me into a rock! That hurt! And oh yea, my friend had to come help me or I would have floated away further down the river… hahaha I probably coulda got up and fought but after hitting a rock, my leg was hurting! At the end of the day, even though it was a short camping trip, we decided to go home and not sleep on a bed of rocks for another night!

All we did was jump in the river, eat, and sleep for a day and a half. I mean I could get used to this! Not having to worry about anything at all. My mind had never been so at peace. Also, the company with you makes a big difference. Thanks for the great weekend! Lets do that again! =D

misuse of words

It’s so sad when people over use or misuse depression so lightly as if it was just another emotion. It makes those who actually have the condition look like it’s just an excuse or are not taken seriously. I didn’t do a lot of research on it, but I see it happen all the time… someone doesn’t get something they want and say “I’m depressed now” or something along those lines… Pleaseeeeee people, don’t mistake sadness for depression!

If you want to know the difference, here is a link for you!

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-squeaky-wheel/201510/is-the-difference-between-sadness-and-depression