I don’t think you are ready for me. I don’t think you are ready to see the deepest darkest side of me. You say you want to be there for me and want to be the person that I turn to, but you turn me away when I needed you most. Even if it was just to talk. It makes me not want to say things to you anymore. You accept the present part of me and want to focus on the future, but what is the future without the past? The past makes us who we are now. Unfortunately there are some things from my past that continue to haunt me, that I have to struggle through and try to move on from, but you have to accept that part of me too. I don’t expect you to understand everything that I tell you or have an answer or say anything for that matter, I just need you to be there. I told you that I am broken and that there are parts of me that need a deeper understanding. You told me that you made your choice and that you knew what you were getting into, but did you really? I think maybe, you bit off more than you could chew. I don’t want you to feel inadequate because you don’t know how to handle my situation. You won’t have the answer to everything. Just don’t turn me away when I try to open up to you. I don’t expect you to make any sense of my overly imaginative, chaotic, extremely complicated world in the beginning, it will definitely take a lot of time to navigate through that messy of a maze where even I, sometimes get lost. Just don’t make promises you can’t keep and don’t fill me with empty words. I’ve had my heart tangled with, messed up and shattered to a million pieces already, I don’t need to add anything else to that list. The only thing I expect from you is to just be yourself and don’t try so hard that you set yourself up for disappointment.
So I’ve been angry with God for some time now and yes I will say that yea, I did turn my back on him. I lost my faith in God. I lost all trust in God. I stopped looking to God for answers to any of my problems when he was the source of all my answers before. I was angry at God for giving me this thing that turned my whole world upside down. That I feel like I can’t handle it. I still feel like I’m too weak to face this thing alone. I always thought, I think about killing myself day in and day out, where is God in that? Every waking moment, that was all I thought about, but God was nowhere to be found. I prayed. I prayed hard and long until I couldn’t pray anymore for God to take it back. Take it all back, I can’t do this. And yet, no answer. I did the only thing I thought there was left to do, and so I turned my back on God.
It’s been a year and a half and I still have this thing, it hasn’t gone away. God hasn’t taken it back. I think I’m getting better. Less and less depressive episodes. Thoughts of suicide are still there, but they are just there. I know this all sounds too familiar because I had a similar post not too long ago, but there is more to it than that. This time is a bit different.
Lately, God has been popping up in my mind. I feel guilty every time my friend mentions that he is going to church, like something is tugging at me, at my heart. I haven’t gone to church in about a year and a half. For some people, that really isn’t a long time, but for someone who used to love to go to church and devoted all of their time to church, that is a lifetime. I’m not saying I’m going back to church just yet, I’m just saying that there is something tugging at my heart. Besides, I really think that your relationship with God is in your heart, you don’t need a church to tell you to talk to him.
One of my older posts I said that God was just waiting for me to come back to him. Well, I think, this is where it starts. I read back some of my old journals and all I talk about is how much God was in my life. I turned to God for every little thing, every little problem, every thought good or bad and he would always have an answer. I strayed away a little, but everyone does at some point, we just have to find our way back. Even before, there were several times where I lost my way but eventually came back. I’m still angry with God. We’re allowed to be angry right? Why not? We’re allowed to question him too, right? Even though I still have this thing, maybe I can reason with him? Maybe I’ll learn to accept what he has given me. Maybe I’ll learn to live with it and get around it. Maybe he is helping me and I’m just too caught up in this thing to even realize it. And maybe, just maybe, this is the beginning of the continuation of the relationship that I once had with God. Maybe even better?
So with all this crazy talk of negativity, it’s time for a change of pace, shall we?
I’m a naturally quiet person. I’m an introvert with social anxiety. If I don’t know you, I won’t be the first to speak when we meet. There are those people who love to talk and can talk and talk and talk and talk to no end at all. Every now and then I come across someone who can’t just sit still if nothing is being said. Being a quiet person, I don’t have much to say as is, and I don’t talk about my life so openly. So I get comments like “why are you so quiet?” or “What’s wrong? You’re not talking.” There isn’t anything wrong, I just don’t have anything to say. That’s all.
But then there are moments in life when all you need is for someone to just be there. Nothing needs to be said or done. Just simply that their presence alone makes things better. Just sitting there quietly is a conversation in itself. A mutual understanding. You could cry all you want and they will be there to wipe your tears away and just hold you tight but still not say a word and the world seems perfect again.
There are only some people who understand this and could actually do it, so from the bottom of my heart, THANK YOU!
I found that person who I could tell everything to again. Someone who I want to know every thing that happens at every moment that it happens, that I can’t wait to tell that person whether it be good or bad because I know either way that person will find a way to turn it around and make me laugh. Knowing that I will not be judged by anything that I say and I can truly be open with this person on sooo many levels that I become talkative. Wait, but that is unheard of! But it can happen… There are just those people who bring out the best in you.
What I want is the stuff made out of fairy tales, it could only happen in movies, this kind of stuff doesn’t happen in the real world… Hence my hopeless romantic side… I went on a couple of dates with this one guy. He drove all the way from Riverside twice to go on a date with me… these days, in the dating world, that says a lot. Things were going along just fine and then all of a sudden, poof, no communication for a week. So I decide to text him and ask “what gives?” and he says “he has to take a break from himself.” Just when I was starting to like him too. Oh well. Back to the hopeless romantic side even wishful thinking…
I would imagine that he would be show up at my office with flowers and say “I made a mistake and I really like you” or I get home and he’s waiting outside my apartment and says the same thing… But then reality kicks in and nope, no guy waiting out front with flowers waiting for me and I begin to think again that in all this crazy dating world, why do I put up with this stuff? Dating is so down right exhausting! One question that I always get asked is somewhere along the lines of where do you stand in your life or something along those lines, the other trying to figure out if this is a long term thing or just a fling… I find myself saying the same thing every time… I want to get married, I want to have kids, I want to have someone to share memories with, I want to have someone to cook for, and all that comes with having a family Then the song “My December” by Linking Park starts to play in my head… “And I give it all away, Just to have somewhere to go to. Give it all away, to have someone to come home to.” and in the same breath I say that I if I don’t find that someone and settle down with a family, that I am content with my life. I am okay with being alone, just me and my pets. We don’t need anyone. We have a happy home as it is.
On another note, I also have a tendency to say that I actually don’t need a guy around the house because my dad taught me how to fix things and I can take care of simple fixes. I’ve lived on my own for over 10 years now and even when I did live with someone, it still felt like I was living alone… okay getting off on a tangent… so the question is, do I have the tendency to shoo guys away because I am so overly independent? Maybe because they won’t feel like they are needed? But relationships aren’t just about fixing things around the house, although it would be nice to have some help with taking a whole bunch of groceries or big boxes from the car to the apartment.
I think about a time when I was in Oahu in 2014… my first day hiking at Diamond Head. There is a whole back story to it that I’m not going to get into but just to say that I had a lot of mixed emotions going on this solo trip. Anyway, back to hiking. I get to the top and turn to the ocean side of the view and OH MY GOSH the view was breathtaking! That doesn’t do it justice. I mean this immense amount of emotion flowing through me and seeing this beautiful scenery in front of me, I had no one to turn to and share the moment with. I just found a spot, sat on the rocks with tears rolling down my eyes and just soaked it in. It’s moments like that where I really wish there was someone to share it with. That is what I want. Did I say it enough? I know I’m being redundant here but, it really does get lonely and just want someone there. A companion. A confidant. A soul mate? I can go on and on about how much I want this but I’m not going to go there. Sigh, I wish my frog prince will come soon.