So I’m still doing this whole online dating thing. Obviously nothing good has come about since I’m constantly writing about my odd situations I get myself into. Well here is one for you…
About two or three weeks ago, I got a message from someone and he was cute and all. We started talking and he was sweet and we were actually having a conversation via text. Now I have two rules with online dating… 1. I don’t date anyone in the service. Nothing against them or anything it’s just they are always overseas and it makes things complicated. 2. I don’t date anyone more than 30 miles from where I live. For some reason I decided to throw those rules out the window because this guy was in the Air Force and was stationed somewhere in Africa. What the heck?!? I have no idea what I was thinking! I got caught up by him sweet talking and cuteness. He always sent me pictures and things were progressing pretty fast. He sent me his Air Force profile with detailed information about him. We were talking about our future and were being totally up front and honest with each other. We couldn’t wait to meet each other. He had two kids, divorced and he wanted his kids to call me mom. I told him about my condition. I normally don’t talk about that in the beginning because it sends guys running. So we kept talking and one day he called me and all of a sudden he was like “I’m in love with you! I can’t wait to meet you!” This was within a week of talking to him.
During the next week all he kept telling me was that he loved me and he started calling me his wife and asked me what type of wedding would I want. Wait a second there, I never agreed to being your wife! I started telling him that this was going waaaay too fast and we need to slow down. I haven’t even met you yet! When are you coming home. There was all this talk about his commander coming and he would discuss it with him to try and come home. He would do everything he can to come home just to meet me. During the week it was just the same “I love you, my wife. I can’t wait to meet you.” nonstop gibberish while I kept telling him I only LIKE you. I don’t love you. I need to catch up to you. The weekend came and I was hanging out with my guy best friend. When he found out, he went nuts and I was like I told you about my best friend and you shouldn’t be jealous blah blah blah. Ugh he was making me angry. Oh yea, one day I told him I was writing in my journal and he was like I am keeping secrets from him. REALLY?!? I don’t think I need to explain the concept of a journal. So the second week I was pretty fed up with him. He was suffocating me and I was starting to get anxiety. He also said to me “Don’t make me regret this decision.” I was like okay bud, I’m done with this.
That night I called my brother, since he is in the Air Force, to ask him some questions. I told him the situation and he was like some of the things the guy did were already a no no in the Air Force world. So red flags started to go up. My brother did a quick search and he was like “I can’t find anything on him.” I can’t remember everything that my brother and I talked about that night but basically I should be careful with this guy. I went to bed and I started thinking…. I googled the guy’s name and guess what came up on the web? “scammersunited.com” with his name all over it! WOW WAKE UP CALL!!! The name was listed on several sites with the pictures that he sent me and everything including the Air Force profile.
Now that I think about it, he was starting to hint at money. This was at the tail end of the whole thing before I called my brother. He said that he didn’t have his credit card with him, number one. Then he started mentioning how much it would cost for him to go on leave for however long. Next was he couldn’t access his bank account with a screen shot of a bank account with a no access sign in the middle of the screen. Now it all makes sense! He was getting to the money part with me. Thank god it was on the emotional part that I let this guy go and not have to deal with any monetary situations. Although I would have never agreed to send this guy money for him to come home.
After the whole fiasco, I deleted the messages, blocked the number and everything and good riddance to the guy! Now I know to really stick to my rules! They are there for a reason. No harm no foul with this one. I didn’t get attached to him. It was just a scam. Just learned my lesson. See this is why I have a problem with trusting people, or maybe I just trust too easily. Anyway, back to the drawing board…
So the last time I said anything about relationships, I said I didn’t want to be in one and I just wanted a companion and leave everything up to the universe. Well that lasted for a good few months. I sit here and I think, if I really leave it up to the universe and fate or destiny, nothing will ever happen because I never go out. I don’t go to bars or clubs. The only time I go out is with family and when we go out, there really isn’t a chance to meet some random cute stranger that you happen to catch each other’s eye. When I go out with friends, my friends are guys so there is no chance a guy will come up to me. So my point is, after a few months, I’m still sitting here all alone and again possibly in the search for that special someone. I guess I’m giving the universe a little bit of a boost, help, or whatever you want to call it. Giving my odds a better chance of getting lucky I guess. I’m still a hopeless romantic, you know. I’m not going to say there are any possibilities at the moment because I don’t want to jinx it, but wish me luck, again. “Wink”
So I’ve dated quite a few guys here and there and obviously none of them have worked out. Why? Because I ended things for a number of reasons, not going to list all of them, I probably wrote about a few of them already. Going through all these short term relationships, if that is what you call them, I realize that I don’t want a relationship. This should come as no surprise because I talk about it with my therapist enough times already. I realize that all that I’m looking for is someone to hang out with, someone to do things with, maybe a travel buddy. I don’t want the commitment of a relationship. I like my independence way too much. I know some people have said that that shouldn’t matter in a relationship, but in some instances, you kinda loose a bit of it in said relationship. I was watching “How to be Single” over the weekend and she said something that I think I have always thought about because I’ve been single for some time now…
“I’ve been thinking that the time we have to be single, is really the time we have to get good at being alone. But, how good at being alone do we really want to be? Isn’t there a danger that you’ll get so good at being single, so set in your ways, that you’ll miss out on the chance to be with somebody great?”
I’ve gotten really good at being single. I do things on my own so much that I forget to invite people along. I remember asking my mom why she was dating and she threw the question right back at me and it got me thinking… why am I dating? I know I said it that I was lonely and it goes back to just having someone to do things with, a companion. Dating just happened to get thrown in the mix just cause my doctor insisted that I get a move on with my love life. Well now, I’ve decided, I just can’t seem to find the right guy and I’m way too picky, but who isn’t? I give up. I’m done dating. I’m done looking for love. If love is out there for me, if it’s in the cards for me, then it will come find me. At that point, all my conditions, reservations, pickiness, and whatever other things that hold me back from any relationship should go away, right? So universe, the ball is in your court.
I meet a guy. We go out on a few dates, talk/text and obviously like each other. Then things get start to get rocky on my end, personal stuff, I have another episode. I end up leaving the guy in the dark because I don’t want to talk about it. In a day or two I say goodbye to the person and send them on their way because I want to be fair to them. I don’t want to leave them hanging and feel helpless because I won’t let them into my mess. And we’re back to shutting people out. Damn, I’m getting really good at this!
First of all, I want to be fair to them. I don’t know how long my episode(s) will last and each time it’s different. They will just be left in the dark because I don’t want to talk about it, especially because I barely know them. They will end up feeling helpless because they want to help but don’t know how. Not their fault. At the same time, I’m dealing with this episode and it’s consuming me and the last thing I want to have to worry about is entertaining this guy every now and then so he knows that I’m alive. The last thing you want to worry about when you’re depressed is another person. I don’t mean to be cold, but it’s true.
Second, I don’t want to have to explain myself for anything that happens. Why this or why that? Things that are out of my control. I don’t want to have to explain for you to understand. I don’t want to have to repeat what I’ve told others already… It’s exhausting just hearing about it and I don’t want to bore you or make you worry. I barely know you.
Third, I think that I am too much to handle. I come with a lot of baggage. I’m a huge complicated mess. I’m a lot to deal with. A person can say that they can handle it right now, but what about later down the road? Years later? How will you feel then? I don’t want to be a burden to anyone and I certainly don’t want them to resent me for what I end up putting them through because of my situation. So I beat them to the punch, I leave before any harm can be done. I leave before I could cause them any pain. I leave before they could cause me any pain.
It will be hard for any guy to come into my life because of this. You would have to be really really special to get past my walls. For me to talk to you about what I go through in my darkest moments will be your ticket in. Good Luck! and good luck to me if I ever find that guy that I will actually let into my life.
I was driving home today and heard the song “Unwell” by Rob Thomas. It got me thinking about how much it reflects on how I feel sometimes. I have this thing, Schizoaffective Disorder, that I’ve kinda talked about on here but have a hard time talking about in person. This song kinda helps give me a voice in this saying that I have this thing… “but I’m not crazy, I’m just a little unwell…” People tell me, “you don’t seem like it.” Well, “I know right now you can’t tell, but stay a while and maybe then you’ll see a different side of me. I’m not crazy, I’m just a little impaired… but soon enough you’re gonna think of me and how I used to be, me.” I know it’s hard for people to listen to what I have to say sometimes because I know how scary it is. To hear the things that I have to say, from someone you love, something so heartbreaking that you wouldn’t believe that I would say those things. I’m still me, I just have this other side to me. I know it’s a little scary, but if you stay a while and maybe you’ll see that it’s not as bad as it may seem. And maybe if I let you stay a while, then maybe I’ll see a different side of you and you may not be as bad as I think it may seem.
In the word of Rob Thomas’ song “Unwell”
But I’m not crazy, I’m just a little unwell
I know right now you can’t tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you’ll see
A different side of me
I’m not crazy, I’m just a little impaired
I know right now you don’t care
But soon enough you’re gonna think of me
And how I used to be, me
A lot has happened in the past week and I can’t say that it was all good. My past caught up with me again and in the same time I didn’t realize that I put up more walls to add to the ones that I already had to begin with. I’ve been through a whole heck of a lot of heartache and trust issues and still going through many of life’s roller coasters. With that being said, I naturally built walls, apparently too many to count. I’ve become over protective of myself that I have, not knowingly, shut people out. I think about it and I really only trust maybe one person to know what goes on with my life and I still don’t tell them everything. Now that I think about it, I’ve shut out the people closest to me, my friends and family. I refused to let my own family know what was going on in my life and I’ve kept it that way for a very long time. Even now I still find it hard to open up to them. I remember a conversation I had with my mom and she told me that she knows I have a hard time trusting people. When she said that to me, it kinda struck a chord in a sense that it is true and maybe I didn’t want to hear it. I lived my life in a way where I wouldn’t get hurt. I do everything on my own. I had to prove to myself and everyone that I was fine on my own, that I didn’t need anyone. If anything went wrong, it was because of me and no one else would be at fault. Simple as that. Easier to accept. I shut people out and I didn’t let anyone in. And then I begin to wonder why I feel so lonely sometimes.
I had a chance at something great and because I wouldn’t let anyone in, I shut this person out and lost a good thing before it could even happen.
I don’t think you are ready for me. I don’t think you are ready to see the deepest darkest side of me. You say you want to be there for me and want to be the person that I turn to, but you turn me away when I needed you most. Even if it was just to talk. It makes me not want to say things to you anymore. You accept the present part of me and want to focus on the future, but what is the future without the past? The past makes us who we are now. Unfortunately there are some things from my past that continue to haunt me, that I have to struggle through and try to move on from, but you have to accept that part of me too. I don’t expect you to understand everything that I tell you or have an answer or say anything for that matter, I just need you to be there. I told you that I am broken and that there are parts of me that need a deeper understanding. You told me that you made your choice and that you knew what you were getting into, but did you really? I think maybe, you bit off more than you could chew. I don’t want you to feel inadequate because you don’t know how to handle my situation. You won’t have the answer to everything. Just don’t turn me away when I try to open up to you. I don’t expect you to make any sense of my overly imaginative, chaotic, extremely complicated world in the beginning, it will definitely take a lot of time to navigate through that messy of a maze where even I, sometimes get lost. Just don’t make promises you can’t keep and don’t fill me with empty words. I’ve had my heart tangled with, messed up and shattered to a million pieces already, I don’t need to add anything else to that list. The only thing I expect from you is to just be yourself and don’t try so hard that you set yourself up for disappointment.