excited!

So I got a new toy to play with… well not really. I’ve had my macbook for a couple of years now and I installed Light Room on it so that I could edit my pictures. There’s not a lot of hard drive space on my mac so I couldn’t load all the pictures that I wanted to so that I could edit them. I finally bought an external drive to store all my pictures in, transferred all the pictures and files from my old PC formatted hard drive onto the new hard drive, and viola, freed up some room on my mac! Oh, side note, my other external drive was formatted for a PC so I couldn’t access my files from my mac.

A good deep sigh… I can finally, really put some time and effort into my photography and learn how to edit my pictures. Long awaited, excited to get home and work on stuff feeling. Woohoo! Now to brush up on my editing and photography skills, the little bit that I have at least. HAHA But to learn more! OH the possibilities!!! 12792113_10209165188232531_7347170844335749195_o

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I Want To Fly!

I want to fly and be free, dream and be careless, to travel with the wind and chase the sun and the moon and fly through then sky to see the universe and all of it’s wonders, to be weightless and to just be me. I want to fly!

I don’t want to follow or obey, I don’t want to feel restricted and tied down and be limited to what I can do and what I can think. I want to fly!

I don’t want to think or act, I want to not care and let the chaos come take me and swallow me whole down to the depths of my fears, rip my soul out and start all over again. I want to fly.

I want to fly and find who I really am inside and out, to be ready to face myself and the world again and for the first time in my life, be who I really am

I want to fly!

What am I doing with my life?

I got home today and I sat on the couch thinking… What am I doing with my life? (Deep sigh) I’m not necessarily going on a bad note but just really been doing some serious thinking here. I’m 37 years old. I’m not married. I don’t have kids. Not that I’m trying to jump on any bandwagon and not that being single is a bad thing either, but I just wonder, is there more to life than what I am doing? I often think, what is my purpose in this life if I haven’t got a family? I’ve done a lot of things as far as being single goes. I’ve been to London, Paris, Florence, Venice and Rome. I’ve been to Aruba. I’ve been to my fair share of the US states. I’ve jumped out of a plane three times already and would do it again at any time. I’ve tried rock climbing and snow boarding. I’ve entertained my artistic side. Got tattoos. I’m tired of the dating scene… It’s gotten me nowhere. I have two cats and a dog and without them, what am I doing here exactly? Not to entertain any thoughts of suicide but if they weren’t here, then what am I living for? What else is there for me to do? Am I just going to be doing the same routine for the rest of my life? What if there is no guy out there for me and I end up alone? I know I’ve said that I’m content with my life, but here I am questioning, what next? What else is there for me to do? What else is there to do in this life of ours? Are we meant to do anything? Is there a purpose to us being on this earth? Eat, sleep, work, sometimes play, repeat! not exactly in that order but you get the picture. In some of my older posts, I put that I was finally moving on with my life, but what does that exactly entail? Okay, okay, part of it was my art stuff. That I had fun doing. Meandering around the city not exactly knowing where I was going and just absorbing everything around me. I have this teeny tiny bit of a wish to go on with my photography but with a full time job, taking classes will be a challenge and going out to take pictures will require days off. Okay, I know I’m just making excuses. Lets say that in a year or two, I do fulfill that wish and get to do what I want with my photography? Then that step is over. Then what? I kinda solved a bit of my problem but it came back up again. I know I’m fast forwarding here but who doesn’t plan for their future? Where am I going to be in 5 years? Am I going to still be living in the same apartment, still single, obviously still loving my pets, they keep me alive, and then run into the same question. Now I’m back to square one. Sigh. Maybe I’m just trying to write out my rant to hopefully come to a conclusion that I know doesn’t exist, but maybe just a glimmer of hope? I guess not. Oh well, it was worth a shot. Til next time.

Hope

hopeless romantic part 2

What I want is the stuff made out of fairy tales, it could only happen in movies, this kind of stuff doesn’t happen in the real world… Hence my hopeless romantic side… I went on a couple of dates with this one guy. He drove all the way from Riverside twice to go on a date with me… these days, in the dating world, that says a lot. Things were going along just fine and then all of a sudden, poof, no communication for a week. So I decide to text him and ask “what gives?” and he says “he has to take a break from himself.” Just when I was starting to like him too. Oh well. Back to the hopeless romantic side even wishful thinking…

fullsizerender-31I would imagine that he would be show up at my office with flowers and say “I made a mistake and I really like you” or I get home and he’s waiting outside my apartment and says the same thing… But then reality kicks in and nope, no guy waiting out front with flowers waiting for me and I begin to think again that in all this crazy dating world, why do I put up with this stuff? Dating is so down right exhausting! One question that I always get asked is somewhere along the lines of where do you stand in your life or something along those lines, the other trying to figure out if this is a long term thing or just a fling… I find myself saying the same thing every time… I want to get married, I want to have kids, I want to have someone to share memories with, I want to have someone to cook for, and all that comes with having a family Then the song “My December” by Linking Park starts to play in my head… “And I give it all away, Just to have somewhere to go to. Give it all away, to have someone to come home to.” and in the same breath I say that I if I don’t find that someone and settle down with a family, that I am content with my life. I am okay with being alone, just me and my pets. We don’t need anyone. We have a happy home as it is.

On another note, I also have a tendency to say that I actually don’t need a guy around the house because my dad taught me how to fix things and I can take care of simple fixes. I’ve lived on my own for over 10 years now and even when I did live with someone, it still felt like I was living alone… okay getting off on a tangent… so the question is, do I have the tendency to shoo guys away because I am so overly independent? Maybe because they won’t feel like they are needed? But relationships aren’t just about fixing things around the house, although it would be nice to have some help with taking a whole bunch of groceries or big boxes from the car to the apartment.

I think about a time when I was in Oahu in 2014… my first day hiking at Diamond Head. There is a whole back story to it that I’m not going to get into but just to say that I had a lot of mixed emotions going on this solo trip. Anyway, back to hiking. I get to the top and turn to the ocean side of the view and OH MY GOSH the view was breathtaking! That doesn’t do it justice. I mean this immense amount of emotion flowing through me and seeing this beautiful scenery in front of me, I had no one to turn to and share the moment with. I just found a spot, sat on the rocks with tears rolling down my eyes and just soaked it in. It’s moments like that where I really wish there was someone to share it with. That is what I want. Did I say it enough? I know I’m being redundant here but, it really does get lonely and just want someone there. A companion. A confidant. A soul mate? I can go on and on about how much I want this but I’m not going to go there. Sigh, I wish my frog prince will come soon.

 

Naveen-the-Frog-Prince-prince-naveen-35135421-1132-1014

Discovering L.A. through Art

So lately I’ve been going on tours in and around Los Angeles checking out street art courtesy of Cart Wheel Art Tours. On top of that, I’ve been doing my own walking around and finding my own way around. I’ve found a new passion in getting to know the city I’ve lived in and around my whole life through the hidden gems lurking around all over town.

It started when I went on this tour near Filipino Town in L.A. through Gabba Gallery, Cart Wheel Art Tours, and Atlas Obscura. The tour took us through several back alleys of a small section of that neighborhood and I fell in love!

All this time my passion for art was in paintings and going to gallery museums and exhibits. Who knew that there was this other type of art out there that couldn’t be put anywhere but in the back alleys of the streets of Los Angeles.

One weekend, I went to a couple open exhibits in West Hollywood. On the outside of the building were these wall murals of different characters like the monopoly guy. After I went into the exhibit, I decided to explore the area. I started to walk down one side of Melrose Ave and found more street art. I even came across a wall #7575 Melrose Street Art Wall. Melrose Ave has it’s own hashtag! I found several other installations of art that I’ve seen from other tours in LA. There was one that I really liked “From the dirt a flower must grow.”

It’s one of my favorite ones. I also came across one of those wings that you stand in front of and it looks like you have wings. Totally cool! Yes I know, weird language for me. Now I’m on a mission to find the rest in LA.

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By the way, I am having sooooo much fun with this, it’s hard to put it down into words. I’m on an mission! This is just the beginning, until the next time.

a good day in a haystack

couldn’t decide what to do today so i booked a last minute massage at Burke Williams Spa. I sat around the house for a bit before my appointment. Moo misses Mochi since she had a play date with Kory at Susanna’s house last night.

My mind is clouded just as the overcast that is still set in outside. Beautiful scenery but haze gently coats what I imagine it to be. The sun shining bright, the trees glowing with rays peeking through where it can and in certain of gold sparkle in view, glimmers the distance gazing down the street line with tress on both sides as if in a dream. And to think that this is in one of the streets near my house, I just added a few things that my imagination likes.

I get to Burke Williams, still a bit disoriented from my crazy emotions and at some point I start to calm down. The lady at the front desk shows me around considering I haven’t been here in ages! I get to my locker and change into my spa robe, and this thing is HUGE! but welcome it. There is something about being wrapped up in soft linen sinking into a state of relaxation. This robe is size 4XL! I’m a small or a medium. Listening to their soft music, sitting in their lounge, writing and I already am starting to feel relaxed waiting for my bath. Yes! I am spoiling myself today. I need it! I was going crazy at home.

12:10pm – Okay, I really feel like I am being treated like a queen right now. I went to get my bath (yes, a bath that someone drew from me. If you haven’t taken a bubble bath, take one! if you are a guy, go watch the Friends episode where Chandler starts to like them and beats Monica every time she prepares one.) When the lady came to get me, she brought me to a room with two bath tubs, one set up for me. Just for me! A plate of fruits and a glass of water. She explained some things and then she took my robe from me holding it up as I got in the bath. Perfect temperature, bubbles, everything was set up just right. I lay down and she put cucumbers on my eyes and a cool towel on my forehead, dimmed the lights and in a minute I was alone. I start to drift away. I am disrupted by my body starting to float so I anchor my foot to the other end of the tub. Feel my hands, soft, silky, and smooth, tingling, with the smell of eucalyptus surrounding my senses. I stay still for what seemed to be a timeless moment of peace, serenity and calm. Sadly I cannot stay in this moment and wake. I decided to eat some of the strawberries left for me and some of the chocolate syrup drips on my elbow as I take a bite. Perfect timing for the lady to check on me and see if I was okay. She left me with an aroma therapy towel to put on my forehead when I was ready to relax again. After eating the strawberries, I drink water and lay back down. Took the town and put it on my head. The strong smell of eucalyptus surround my face and nose and all senses and I float away into a dream world. A meadow with colors of the fall as leaves float to the ground. The bubbles stop and I hear the music playing. A piano piece and my dream begins to change. I see a big room, fit for a queen, walls tower over with high ceilings and beautiful chandelier up above, light blue paint with a hint of gold trim accents on the wood. A woman in a white backless gown with black hair fixed neatly into a tight bun, looks out the through the sheer colored curtains blowing past her, gaze is far from where it should be. As each note plays, I could feel the beat of her heart, it’s not pain, it’s not sorrow, a man dressed in a tuxedo is in the room with her, waiting for her, telling her it is time. The notes on the piano become heavier, the look of conforming blankets her face as she looks toward the man and begins to step his way. One note, one step, out the room, down the corridor and my dream fades as I wake.

Some dream… I wonder what that meant… certainly wasn’t me in the dream. My bath is over, the lady helps me out and leads me back into the lounge room and I write this down. I had my massage and oh did I enjoy that. I didn’t have much of a dream during the massage. I think I just drifted off into a dreamless sleep which what quite welcoming. After my massage, I got ready and back to reality I go. Went to eat at Poke Bar for lunch, went to therapy (kind of a rough session), went to pick up Mochi from Susanna’s then headed back home and took a nap. Was woken up by a phone call being invited to watch Alice – though the looking glass. I wasn’t too excited about watching it but glad I did. Was much better than I expected, even got a bit teary eyed in the end. So good night.