Am I okay with God now?

So I’ve been angry with God for some time now and yes I will say that yea, I did turn my back on him. I lost my faith in God. I lost all trust in God. I stopped looking to God for answers to any of my problems when he was the source of all my answers before. I was angry at God for giving me this thing that turned my whole world upside down. That I feel like I can’t handle it. I still feel like I’m too weak to face this thing alone. I always thought, I think about killing myself day in and day out, where is God in that? Every waking moment, that was all I thought about, but God was nowhere to be found. I prayed. I prayed hard and long until I couldn’t pray anymore for God to take it back. Take it all back, I can’t do this. And yet, no answer. I did the only thing I thought there was left to do, and so I turned my back on God.

It’s been a year and a half and I still have this thing, it hasn’t gone away. God hasn’t taken it back. I think I’m getting better. Less and less depressive episodes. Thoughts of suicide are still there, but they are just there. I know this all sounds too familiar because I had a similar post not too long ago, but there is more to it than that. This time is a bit different.

1522359897007

Lately, God has been popping up in my mind. I feel guilty every time my friend mentions that he is going to church, like something is tugging at me, at my heart. I haven’t gone to church in about a year and a half. For some people, that really isn’t a long time, but for someone who used to love to go to church and devoted all of their time to church, that is a lifetime. I’m not saying I’m going back to church just yet, I’m just saying that there is something tugging at my heart. Besides, I really think that your relationship with God is in your heart, you don’t need a church to tell you to talk to him.

hope

One of my older posts I said that God was just waiting for me to come back to him. Well, I think, this is where it starts. I read back some of my old journals and all I talk about is how much God was in my life. I turned to God for every little thing, every little problem, every thought good or bad and he would always have an answer. I strayed away a little, but everyone does at some point, we just have to find our way back. Even before, there were several times where I lost my way but eventually came back. I’m still angry with God. We’re allowed to be angry right? Why not? We’re allowed to question him too, right? Even though I still have this thing, maybe I can reason with him? Maybe I’ll learn to accept what he has given me. Maybe I’ll learn to live with it and get around it. Maybe he is helping me and I’m just too caught up in this thing to even realize it. And maybe, just maybe, this is the beginning of the continuation of the relationship that I once had with God. Maybe even better?

hope-forget-me-not

Advertisements

this is me

I guess when I started this blog site, I didn’t know how personal I would get. In the beginning, I wanted it to be light hearted and funny, or quirky even. I realize that some of my posts have really gotten deep into what makes me who I am today. I have a journal that I write in almost on a daily basis, but lately I find that I’m writing in here more than the journal. I guess I’m learning to open up? I thought it would be scary at first, to let the world know the real me, that side of me that I’ve been hiding from, hiding from the world all these years. I’m afraid of letting the world know who I really am. I feel like I wouldn’t be accepted given my past experiences with people.

So this is me. I normally don’t open up my feeling or my true self to just anyone. It takes me a while before I begin to trust someone because I’ve been burned many times before.

What do I really want to say? I want to stop hiding behind the shadows! I want to stop being the submissive, passive, even door mat that I used to be! I want to let the world know who I am and this is what I’ve been through to get here! It was never the easy road for me. Every time I thought, “this is it, I’m done, I can’t take it anymore!” I somehow found a way to get through it, don’t know how exactly, but I do. Then a year and a half ago, I get this thing called Schizoaffective Disorder and I plummet down to the depths of nowhere land and have to climb my way back up what seems to be a never ending roller coaster of symptoms and emotions and have to start all over again. But God won’t give me anything I can’t handle right? Sometimes I feel like that’s not true. Like this battle is winning over me. I’ve really questioned my faith going through this and it has scared me to my core! I used to be like God can get me through anything. God will prevail. God you are my rock. God this. God that. Then it became why God? Why me? I can’t do this! This thing you gave me is too hard to handle and I’m not the person to do it. When there are times when all you think of is taking your own life day after day among many other symptoms and just waiting and hoping for the medicine to kick in. I began to think, where is God in that? No matter how many times or how hard I prayed that this wasn’t real, that I didn’t have this thing, it wouldn’t go away. I stopped relying on God. I lost my faith in God. I lost all trust in God. I relied only on medicine to hopefully get better and even then I was skeptical. The medicine is working now, a few changes here and there. I don’t think about suicide as much. I still have depressive episodes here and there. I try to talk to God but it gets cut short. I’m still angry with him. Hopefully someday that will change. I read back in some of my old journals and all I talk about is God being in my life and how much I looked to him for all the support I needed; I kinda want that back. But, I know that has to come from me, and God is waiting.

 

on the up and up

It’s been a crazy month but that phrase doesn’t seem to change for me does it? but it’s ok, things are going good… it was bad for some time, maybe too long in my book but what is good without the bad? it’s what makes the good even better right?!? I do miss writing, i miss my random rants about anything and everything and my mind has been on soooo many road trips good and bad… half and half too… at this point I’m back to rambling before i even get to the meat of the subject but that’s how i normally am right? besides, what is normal? heck i don’t know? who’s to determine what that should be? and besides the normal ones are weird and the weird ones are normal… so there… if that doesn’t make sense to you… it’s not supposed to.. haha i feel like i’m finding myself again, i miss me, a lot! nice to have you back! it’s good to be back! i’ve made it another year, woohoo! i’m doing a lot better than expected of myself, medicine is doing its job.

15078677_10211575985380953_6371228842385683589_nso i’ve set some new goals… i submitted Mochi’s picture for a calendar for 2018, hopefully it gets on there. i submitted other pictures as well. The cats are out and about getting along with Mochi dog. I signed up for a Disney Half Marathon in September, a Hillsong Conference in November, and I’m back in my piano lessons… notice that these are all for the next year if not two so i’m doing some reaching here… that’s good cuz i used to not be able to look past one day. Oh yeah I switched jobs, back to my old job and I am much happier! feels like home. I feel like I made the right decision and I’m happy with my decision.

With All of that said there is still only one person to thank for all of this, God! God is and will always be there to support me, listen to my hearts cries, and answer my prayers. Last weekend at my retreat, with the help of Pastor Tim, he confirmed all of this for me. That God has always been there, that God has always listened, and that God answers prayers. Pastor Tim told me things that came from God that were some of my deepest darkest secrets and deepest prayers, and yet through Pastor Tim, God speaks to me. Faith grows that much stronger.

words of the heart

I emptied out my heart to those who didn’t want it and now am left with nothingness inside is hallow and echoes with loneliness.

When will I be loved? When will I be filled with love? When will I grow in love? Who will love me? Why will they love me?

When, who, why and how this void will be filled is only an answer that God could give. God fill this empty void in my heart with your love and patience. Show me that I can be loved in all that I am.

 

loss of a special friend

My heart has been ripped out of my chest and placed in my hand. As the blood drips down my arm, I feel my life fade away slowly. I am barely alive, enough just to make sense of what is going on. The pain is real, the heart beats slowly through each agonizing breath.

My heart cries and it overflows into the corner of my eyes and come the never ending flow of tears. Through the tears, I am blinded by pain and sorrow. God I need your strength to carry on. I have no one to lean on but you. You are the constant rock and support whether someone is there or not. God fill me with your love. Wrap me in you protecting arms. Put my mind and my heart at peace and help me to let her go.

I lost a very dear friend of mine. My best friend from college.272519_4621957472674_1690358338_o

I have nothing but good memories of Cheryl, from the first day I met her in college to the days we would meet for dinner catching up with our lives. In college, it was her and I and the rest of the guys. When it was just her and I, we got to be who we really were, different in so many ways, and in some ways the same. She spent a lot of time with me and my family and eventually became one of us. When she wasn’t at family parties, my relatives would ask where she was. Even on a regular basis, they would ask how she was doing and invite her to the next family gathering. I would have to promise my aunt that I would bring her with me.

She had such a carefree attitude that was contagious.She was such a strong woman. She didn’t let anything get in her way. She didn’t care what people thought or said about anything she did. She did what she wanted when she wanted to, nothing could stop her. I was always jealous of her in that way (good way of course). She was a great friend to not just me, but to everyone around her.

Her faith in God kept her strong just like her poem…
“Did you hear about the rose that grew from a crack?
Proving nature’s law wrong, It learned to walk without having feet.
Funny it seems but by keeping its dreams
It learned to breathe fresh air.
Long live the rose that grew from concrete
when no one else cared.”
 knotts2
In Loving Memory of my best friend Cheryl Lynn Grucelski
P.S. Our last adventure together… I know you would have loved sky diving!
DCIM100GOPROG0078488.

 

am I back yet?

Sometimes I feel like I start to come back, and even then, I quickly fade away back into the depths of nothingness. It’s been a while since I’ve written anything, although it feels like forever. Even my journal, that I carry with me everywhere I go, has been feeling empty and lonely. It longs for words that I do not have for the time being. I myself have not uttered much in the past months. My mind is blank. The space within me is hollow, no emotion, not even anger. I’m back to being a robot program that was written to function on a daily basis. I even see Mochi’s emotions of high and happy energy die down, and at that time I can feel a bit of sadness. To see my dog’s, who loves me unconditionally, energy fade away. But sometimes it’s because of her that I take her to the park to get her energy back and mine too while we’re at it.

And as well as very good friends and family that continue to remind me that I am loved and all I have to do is learn how to ask for help. I just need to break down my own wall of trying to do things on my own and not be afraid of that help.

Then there is God, who is my light and my hope through all of this. In the deepest and darkest moments, when there is nothing left, whether I cry out to him or not, he hears me and continually sheds a light for me.

Psalm 119:105 Your word is a lame for my feet, a light on my path.

God continues to watch over me. I know he does. That’s why I’m still here. He listens to me and answers my prayers even when I don’t say them. He answers them even when I don’t feel him around. But I know he is there. He knows I am listening even when I am being stubborn.

 

An honest prayer

Just came back from a church retreat in Big Bear in which I almost didn’t go. So much plagues my mind of why I didn’t want to go, the anxiety of being up there, and the comfort of knowing that the people who have been watching over me were just a room away and most especially, God always being present even when my mind wouldn’t let me think so.

13920580_10208416754269060_4770939077445572001_n

On the last day, last message from our guest speaker, we were asked to do an exercise called “Lectio Divina” and focus on a specific bible verse:

Galatians 5:22- 23  But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.

The one thing that stood out to me, not exactly sure why, was self-control. At the end of the exercise, the words HOLD ON! came to my mind. If this is you, God, telling me to HOLD ON, I want to say… in all honesty… I don’t know if I can. I’m tired and exhausted and don’t want to be a broken record anymore. You give me things that you know I can handle but I’m not so sure about that. I don’t know if my faith is strong enough, I don’t know if me trusting you is as strong as I want it to be. I am tired of disappointing you. Disappointing myself. I don’t have that faith or trust in myself anymore. The last thing that I can HOLD ON to is that this would be the last trial that I go through and that you would be there to pick me up for the last time and continue to hold me and carry me through everything else that comes my way. Not that you haven’t. In so many times and so many ways have you always come to my rescue in my greatest hours of desperation. I know you are teaching me and molding me to the person that you know I could be. And in that, I can be all those things in the bible verse towards others, but maybe I haven’t been that way to myself at all. And maybe that is what you are teaching me now… You have taught me to love others and now you are teaching me to love myself in everything that I am, no matter how good or bad, that I myself are more than enough and I have to truly believe that. I think you and I both know that that will take some time for me to get there but I know that, God, you are with me every step of the way.

Psalm 143

A psalm of David.

Lord, hear my prayer,
    listen to my cry for mercy;
in your faithfulness and righteousness
    come to my relief.
Do not bring your servant into judgment,
    for no one living is righteous before you.
The enemy pursues me,
    he crushes me to the ground;
he makes me dwell in the darkness
    like those long dead.
So my spirit grows faint within me;
    my heart within me is dismayed.
I remember the days of long ago;
    I meditate on all your works
    and consider what your hands have done.
I spread out my hands to you;
    I thirst for you like a parched land.

Answer me quickly, Lord;
    my spirit fails.
Do not hide your face from me
    or I will be like those who go down to the pit.
Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love,
    for I have put my trust in you.
Show me the way I should go,
    for to you I entrust my life.
Rescue me from my enemies, Lord,
    for I hide myself in you.
10 Teach me to do your will,
    for you are my God;
may your good Spirit
    lead me on level ground.

11 For your name’s sake, Lord, preserve my life;
    in your righteousness, bring me out of trouble.
12 In your unfailing love, silence my enemies;
    destroy all my foes,
    for I am your servant.