on the up and up

It’s been a crazy month but that phrase doesn’t seem to change for me does it? but it’s ok, things are going good… it was bad for some time, maybe too long in my book but what is good without the bad? it’s what makes the good even better right?!? I do miss writing, i miss my random rants about anything and everything and my mind has been on soooo many road trips good and bad… half and half too… at this point I’m back to rambling before i even get to the meat of the subject but that’s how i normally am right? besides, what is normal? heck i don’t know? who’s to determine what that should be? and besides the normal ones are weird and the weird ones are normal… so there… if that doesn’t make sense to you… it’s not supposed to.. haha i feel like i’m finding myself again, i miss me, a lot! nice to have you back! it’s good to be back! i’ve made it another year, woohoo! i’m doing a lot better than expected of myself, medicine is doing its job.

15078677_10211575985380953_6371228842385683589_nso i’ve set some new goals… i submitted Mochi’s picture for a calendar for 2018, hopefully it gets on there. i submitted other pictures as well. The cats are out and about getting along with Mochi dog. I signed up for a Disney Half Marathon in September, a Hillsong Conference in November, and I’m back in my piano lessons… notice that these are all for the next year if not two so i’m doing some reaching here… that’s good cuz i used to not be able to look past one day. Oh yeah I switched jobs, back to my old job and I am much happier! feels like home. I feel like I made the right decision and I’m happy with my decision.

With All of that said there is still only one person to thank for all of this, God! God is and will always be there to support me, listen to my hearts cries, and answer my prayers. Last weekend at my retreat, with the help of Pastor Tim, he confirmed all of this for me. That God has always been there, that God has always listened, and that God answers prayers. Pastor Tim told me things that came from God that were some of my deepest darkest secrets and deepest prayers, and yet through Pastor Tim, God speaks to me. Faith grows that much stronger.

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words of the heart

I emptied out my heart to those who didn’t want it and now am left with nothingness inside is hallow and echoes with loneliness.

When will I be loved? When will I be filled with love? When will I grow in love? Who will love me? Why will they love me?

When, who, why and how this void will be filled is only an answer that God could give. God fill this empty void in my heart with your love and patience. Show me that I can be loved in all that I am.

 

loss of a special friend

My heart has been ripped out of my chest and placed in my hand. As the blood drips down my arm, I feel my life fade away slowly. I am barely alive, enough just to make sense of what is going on. The pain is real, the heart beats slowly through each agonizing breath.

My heart cries and it overflows into the corner of my eyes and come the never ending flow of tears. Through the tears, I am blinded by pain and sorrow. God I need your strength to carry on. I have no one to lean on but you. You are the constant rock and support whether someone is there or not. God fill me with your love. Wrap me in you protecting arms. Put my mind and my heart at peace and help me to let her go.

I lost a very dear friend of mine. My best friend from college.272519_4621957472674_1690358338_o

I have nothing but good memories of Cheryl, from the first day I met her in college to the days we would meet for dinner catching up with our lives. In college, it was her and I and the rest of the guys. When it was just her and I, we got to be who we really were, different in so many ways, and in some ways the same. She spent a lot of time with me and my family and eventually became one of us. When she wasn’t at family parties, my relatives would ask where she was. Even on a regular basis, they would ask how she was doing and invite her to the next family gathering. I would have to promise my aunt that I would bring her with me.

She had such a carefree attitude that was contagious.She was such a strong woman. She didn’t let anything get in her way. She didn’t care what people thought or said about anything she did. She did what she wanted when she wanted to, nothing could stop her. I was always jealous of her in that way (good way of course). She was a great friend to not just me, but to everyone around her.

Her faith in God kept her strong just like her poem…
“Did you hear about the rose that grew from a crack?
Proving nature’s law wrong, It learned to walk without having feet.
Funny it seems but by keeping its dreams
It learned to breathe fresh air.
Long live the rose that grew from concrete
when no one else cared.”
 knotts2
In Loving Memory of my best friend Cheryl Lynn Grucelski
P.S. Our last adventure together… I know you would have loved sky diving!
DCIM100GOPROG0078488.

 

am I back yet?

Sometimes I feel like I start to come back, and even then, I quickly fade away back into the depths of nothingness. It’s been a while since I’ve written anything, although it feels like forever. Even my journal, that I carry with me everywhere I go, has been feeling empty and lonely. It longs for words that I do not have for the time being. I myself have not uttered much in the past months. My mind is blank. The space within me is hollow, no emotion, not even anger. I’m back to being a robot program that was written to function on a daily basis. I even see Mochi’s emotions of high and happy energy die down, and at that time I can feel a bit of sadness. To see my dog’s, who loves me unconditionally, energy fade away. But sometimes it’s because of her that I take her to the park to get her energy back and mine too while we’re at it.

And as well as very good friends and family that continue to remind me that I am loved and all I have to do is learn how to ask for help. I just need to break down my own wall of trying to do things on my own and not be afraid of that help.

Then there is God, who is my light and my hope through all of this. In the deepest and darkest moments, when there is nothing left, whether I cry out to him or not, he hears me and continually sheds a light for me.

Psalm 119:105 Your word is a lame for my feet, a light on my path.

God continues to watch over me. I know he does. That’s why I’m still here. He listens to me and answers my prayers even when I don’t say them. He answers them even when I don’t feel him around. But I know he is there. He knows I am listening even when I am being stubborn.

 

An honest prayer

Just came back from a church retreat in Big Bear in which I almost didn’t go. So much plagues my mind of why I didn’t want to go, the anxiety of being up there, and the comfort of knowing that the people who have been watching over me were just a room away and most especially, God always being present even when my mind wouldn’t let me think so.

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On the last day, last message from our guest speaker, we were asked to do an exercise called “Lectio Divina” and focus on a specific bible verse:

Galatians 5:22- 23  But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.

The one thing that stood out to me, not exactly sure why, was self-control. At the end of the exercise, the words HOLD ON! came to my mind. If this is you, God, telling me to HOLD ON, I want to say… in all honesty… I don’t know if I can. I’m tired and exhausted and don’t want to be a broken record anymore. You give me things that you know I can handle but I’m not so sure about that. I don’t know if my faith is strong enough, I don’t know if me trusting you is as strong as I want it to be. I am tired of disappointing you. Disappointing myself. I don’t have that faith or trust in myself anymore. The last thing that I can HOLD ON to is that this would be the last trial that I go through and that you would be there to pick me up for the last time and continue to hold me and carry me through everything else that comes my way. Not that you haven’t. In so many times and so many ways have you always come to my rescue in my greatest hours of desperation. I know you are teaching me and molding me to the person that you know I could be. And in that, I can be all those things in the bible verse towards others, but maybe I haven’t been that way to myself at all. And maybe that is what you are teaching me now… You have taught me to love others and now you are teaching me to love myself in everything that I am, no matter how good or bad, that I myself are more than enough and I have to truly believe that. I think you and I both know that that will take some time for me to get there but I know that, God, you are with me every step of the way.

Psalm 143

A psalm of David.

Lord, hear my prayer,
    listen to my cry for mercy;
in your faithfulness and righteousness
    come to my relief.
Do not bring your servant into judgment,
    for no one living is righteous before you.
The enemy pursues me,
    he crushes me to the ground;
he makes me dwell in the darkness
    like those long dead.
So my spirit grows faint within me;
    my heart within me is dismayed.
I remember the days of long ago;
    I meditate on all your works
    and consider what your hands have done.
I spread out my hands to you;
    I thirst for you like a parched land.

Answer me quickly, Lord;
    my spirit fails.
Do not hide your face from me
    or I will be like those who go down to the pit.
Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love,
    for I have put my trust in you.
Show me the way I should go,
    for to you I entrust my life.
Rescue me from my enemies, Lord,
    for I hide myself in you.
10 Teach me to do your will,
    for you are my God;
may your good Spirit
    lead me on level ground.

11 For your name’s sake, Lord, preserve my life;
    in your righteousness, bring me out of trouble.
12 In your unfailing love, silence my enemies;
    destroy all my foes,
    for I am your servant.

 

Am I angry with God?

I was having dinner with an old co-worker, more like a really good friend, and we were catching up over dinner the other night. I pretty much told her everything that has happened/is happening with me since we last saw each other a few months ago. At the end of the night, she asked me, “Are you angry with God?”

With everything that I have been through and continue to go through and because of my faith in God, I clearly and gladly said “No” and I smiled. If anything, God really has been my glimmer of hope. It has never failed that God clearly is watching over me and listens to and answers my prayers. It is through these really rough and trying times that I truly see God’s love for me. I know that God has not and will not give me anything that I can’t handle and if I feel like I can’t do it anymore, he will give me a way out!

1 Corinthians 10:13 – 13 No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.

And when I begin to stray away… something I wrote not too long ago… It is so easy for us to drift away from God and we don’t notice it. Then at least for me, I get to the point of “oh, i’m in a weird phase going through things” excuse. Almost as if I come back only when a message or something happens that I feel God tugging on my heart or sometimes even knocking really hard on my head if I’m being stubborn. And yet I continue to pray and question how many times will God take me back and forgive me this time around. But this is where I see God really work on me showing me that he truly cares and loves me. It is sad that it takes a dramatic event for me to notice him sometimes. I do miss the times that I just noticed that everything was being done by God and if it wasn’t for him, things would be a lot different.

Hebrews 2:1-4 – 1 We must pay the most careful attention, therefore, to what we have heard, so that we do not drift away. For since the message spoken through angels was binding, and every violation and disobedience received its just punishment, how shall we escape if we ignore so great a salvation? This salvation, which was first announced by the Lord, was confirmed to us by those who heard him. God also testified to it by signs, wonders and various miracles, and by gifts of the Holy Spirit distributed according to his will.

It is in God that I hang on to more than just a glimmer of hope. It is through my faith that I know God will be there to protect me. It is through His trust in me and my trust in Him that gives me strength to keep pushing through. And with that said, I end with this…

Jeremiah 29: 11-13 – 11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

God Bless!

 

a whole lotta random stuff

ok so this bloggers block has not left me and it’s a bit irritating… i have a bunch of stuff that i want to write down and wrote out full paragraphs and such in my head but when I get to here… i can’t seem to get the words out… so i’m gonna try it this way… I’ve said it before and i’ll continue to say it again and again… too many things happen all at once and yet again, that is how life is…  and on the flip side i still haven’t sorted out the jumbled mess in my head… hence the block?!?

May 26 – disney day 2 – so we went back for round two of disney fun, this time to cali adventure…i miss having my annual pass and going with my disneyland buddy (Jacky) almost every week. Now that she has her daughter, I have more reason to continue going… the only sad part is that I can’t join them on the weekdays… but anyhow, before we went, Jacky and I planned out what we would do, our day and what food we’d bring and this made me reminisce back to our disney days where we would stuff our backpacks with snacks and such, eat while walking or waiting in line… i mean we would bring tupperware of rice, sandwiches, candy, water, name the junk food we had it… everyone knows that disney is filled with line after line, then to even think about to get in line to get food… our problem was solved. California Adventure is always nice since its not as crowded as the main park and there are other things to do than ride rides. Arielle found a new friend at the animation studios and guess where that got us?!? A front of the line pass, free of charge to see Ana and Elsa and Olaf!!! I must say, that was the highlight of that disney trip!

 

June 2 – A big congratulations to my step-brother Joray, graduated from Saugus HS and got accepted to MIT!!!! SO so so very proud! Mr. Smarty Pants!

pets – so there has been all this talk about me finding a new home for my pets… i’ve been going through some things that make it hard for me to care for my pets right now and no i’m not using my social life as an excuse… yes my work schedule changed and i get home at different hours on different days… I do try to spend as much time with them as i can… being a previous pet owner of several different dogs throughout my life, loosing them, whichever way it may be, is never an easy topic. i love these guys and sometimes, no wait, they are the reason that i am still here… although i do see that i really do need to think long and hard about this… Like right now, I’m writing this and Mochi is bored so she finds her toys and starts playing on her own… not that I didn’t play with her earlier but she is cooped up in the house all day long while i’m at work… oye… lots of stuff to really think long and hard about…

IMG_6302on a good note for me – soccer games, beach days and eating fresh steamed crab and having a great company… i’m starting to get back into doing the things that i used to love before my depression decided to say good riddance to them… but at the same time i’m sure i didn’t fully let go of those things… having good company that enjoys them with you makes a big difference.

family – is family and they are there to support you even through your toughest times and I thank God that I have them on my side. I kept them out of a part of my life for a long time for a reason and yes I got used to dealing with things on my own… I don’t resent them for it at all, it was my own choice. Now, the ones that need to know, know, but now… i feel like i still should have kept it to myself, only because some of the reactions that i got i knew i was going to get. But besides that, i’ve gotten used to doing on my own that having them there and knowing is taking some getting used to… And now maybe I see it as God telling me that I need them for whatever reason it may be, maybe this is his answer to my prayers. The people he’s recently brought into my life is his answer to my prayers.