Sometimes I feel like I start to come back, and even then, I quickly fade away back into the depths of nothingness. It’s been a while since I’ve written anything, although it feels like forever. Even my journal, that I carry with me everywhere I go, has been feeling empty and lonely. It longs for words that I do not have for the time being. I myself have not uttered much in the past months. My mind is blank. The space within me is hollow, no emotion, not even anger. I’m back to being a robot program that was written to function on a daily basis. I even see Mochi’s emotions of high and happy energy die down, and at that time I can feel a bit of sadness. To see my dog’s, who loves me unconditionally, energy fade away. But sometimes it’s because of her that I take her to the park to get her energy back and mine too while we’re at it.
And as well as very good friends and family that continue to remind me that I am loved and all I have to do is learn how to ask for help. I just need to break down my own wall of trying to do things on my own and not be afraid of that help.
Then there is God, who is my light and my hope through all of this. In the deepest and darkest moments, when there is nothing left, whether I cry out to him or not, he hears me and continually sheds a light for me.
Psalm 119:105 Your word is a lame for my feet, a light on my path.
God continues to watch over me. I know he does. That’s why I’m still here. He listens to me and answers my prayers even when I don’t say them. He answers them even when I don’t feel him around. But I know he is there. He knows I am listening even when I am being stubborn.