In all my past relationships, I was always the one to like the other person more than they liked me. I was always the one making the plans to go somewhere or do something. I was always the one looking forward to the next time I saw them. In all those years, not once did I ever feel wanted or needed. In all my relationships, I never really felt like I was in a relationship, it was always one sided. With Mitch, I think in the end he was just there to take care of me type of relationship, now that I think about it. Even though I thought he was the one, that was how I felt, not him. Even then I was the one who followed him to the new church. I tried so hard to fit in there and in all actuality, he was more focused on the church rather than me. He just stuck around to take care of me until he couldn’t anymore.
I’ve always had this image of what I want my relationship to be like… To feel needed, to feel wanted, to be kissed the way I’ve always dreamed of being kissed. To be held. To feel safe. To be hugged. I want someone who would fight for the relationship if things started to get a bit rocky and not just give up or simply sweep it under the rug. I want someone who understands me and not judge me for everything that has happened to me that is out of my control. I want someone who wouldn’t be intimidated by my independence. I want someone who I can share memories with, the ones that would last a lifetime. In all these years, I never thought that it would happen.
That relationship I always wanted, I think, is finally happening. I met someone about a month ago and things are going very well. We have so much in common, from music to art, movies, hobbies, dogs and food. Of course we have our own independent activities outside of that but what relationship doesn’t. I think it’s healthy for the relationship. In the past month we have scheduled activities all the way to October. October! That is nine months away! So I guess you can say we are in it for the long haul. We have so many things that we want to do that we are having a hard time scheduling everything. Disneyland, Renaissance Faire, Anime Expo, Universal Studios and whatever else I haven’t mentioned. We talk every night for a couple hours on the days that we don’t see each other. When he comes over, he tries his best to gain my pets’ trust, which I think is amazing. We walk Mochi together and we just hang out all night and talk about endless topics until he has to go home.
One night after we came home from the observatory, that was the first night he kissed me. I MELTED. After he left, I closed the door and I collapsed onto the bean bag chair and just lay there and I felt like I was floating. Now when he kisses me, he kisses me the way I have always wanted to be kissed and I didn’t even have to say anything to him, he just does it. He tells me he can’t wait to see me and wants to spend time with me. He always texts me “hope you have a good day” or any other caring message. We’ve been through similar troubles in the past so it helps us understand each other on so many levels. It helps our relationship grow stronger. I still have my fears of going into a new relationship like if I have another episode or I self sabotage the relationship or something just doesn’t end up right. I hope, with all my heart, that none of those things happen.
At this point, my feelings for him continues to grow stronger with each passing moment even though it’s only been a little over a month since we first met, but I can’t help it. I haven’t felt this way about anyone before. It’s different this time. There is more to it than just feelings. He brings so much joy into my life that I’ve never had before. He is what I have been looking for all these years, after all these failed relationships. Everything that I have always longed for is finally here and it’s happening and unfolding as time passes by. It just gets better and better. I have faith and I have hope. I can’t wait to see where this goes.