lost

I’ve been here many times before but I’ve lost count. Each time is different, each time is worse, each time there is something new, and each time there is a skipped step. Falling faster, failing harder. As if I didn’t learn from the previous times. The demolished walls have almost turned to dust and trying to rebuild seems impossible. A new theme emerges out of something that I would never have imagined. Cling on to what you can, it’s just the beginning. How long? How far? this time around? Realizing that you are back, accepting that you are there, and to have to admit defeat yet again. Pains get worse. Heart aches. Reality. What is reality? It’s easier to stay down than to try and get back up. Trying to get to the beginning of the end. If we get there, can we rebuild again? Or will the breaking of this fall be too difficult to mend?

Cling on to that glimmer of hope that God knows your pain and your sorrows.

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hope

the words of God and the songs that sing of his praise seem to calm me down even in the midst of a downward spiral falling fast in the depths of what seems to be my hell, my prayer for God to help me and save me seem to have been answered. He catches me as i fall into His arms i rise up from the depths and sink into the comfort of his love i cry to know that i am still

a constant battle within to push through for life to be sustained cling on to a reminder of words that give hope

 

hey batter batter

Our church plays softball every year and has a tournament among the UMC churches around L.A. The first year I was with the church, I practiced with them but was on vacation during the tournament. Last year, I fell down the stairs and injured my leg so I couldn’t play at all. This year, softball season started early. We played yesterday and I managed came out unscathed! Got a few good hits and a few runs in! Okay, yes, I’m the only girl in the group, but the rule is they have to have at least one girl playing on the team. Our opponents had to do the same. But hey, at least I can keep up with the guys!13047738_10154749048283835_7983177702825201587_o

Mochi got a day at the park and I guess she had fun because every time I saw her, her coat turned more brown than the last! She loves to roll around on the floor. By the end of the game, she was covered in dirt… she wasn’t my white dog with brown ears anymore, she was a brown dog! But hey, as long as she had fun right! Gave her a much deserved long bath after we got home… took me longer to get her clean cuz of all the dirt she brought home but after cleaning up, we both decided to knock out early. All in a good days fun!

Mirror, Mirror – Part 1

Mirror, Mirror, on the wall…

I have always been afraid of you near or far

The image you reflect is not of me

But of something dark that I do not wish to see

The demons that hide behind my eyes

Wish to crawl through and be freed

If they are allowed out

I will be trapped

Is it self esteem, being scared, or depression? Actually, all of the above. But I guess they can all tie into each other right? I’ve always struggled with liking myself, never did. I always was self conscious about the way I looked. People would compliment me, I say thank you, but inside I don’t believe them. I look at the mirror but I’m not looking at me. I’m just making sure that my clothes match and that I don’t look like a zombie.

There is always that fear when you are washing your face and when you come up to look in the mirror, there is someone behind you or you see a shadow move past you. Blame it on all those horror movies. HAHA

There are times when I look in the mirror and the reflection is not me. Someone else is there. Waiting to get out, pushing its way through. I see the way you look at me. Telling me that I am not strong enough, that you will push through and I will be gone. If I don’t look you in the eye, I think I might have a chance. Who are you? Are you good or bad? But when I have let you out before, it’s been bad. Who is the real me? I miss the happy side of me, I miss the laughing side of me. The more you come out, the more I forget who I am or should I say was? I slowly fade away, feelings are no longer there. What is it like to feel? What is it like to miss? Is anyone home?

In the words of Linkin Park “PPr:Kut”

I don’t know what stressed me first
Or how the pressure was fed
But I know just what it feels like
To have a voice in the back of my head
It’s like a face that I hold inside
A face that awakes when I close my eyes
A face that watches everytime I lie
A face that laughs everytime I fall
And watches everything
So, know that when it’s time to sink or swim
That the face inside is hearing me
Right underneath my skin

…………

 

 

forgive yourself and let God love you

“forgive yourself and let God love you”

Those words have been ringing in my ear since my pastor said them to me last night. He asked me how my personal life was going, as he would normally checking to make sure I was ok. With my recent encounters of life, being a pastor and knowing my history, I knew he wouldn’t judge me and I ended up telling him what was going on. At the end of our conversation he says to me “I could see you beating yourself up to a pulp for the rest of your life” and in the next breath he says “you need to forgive yourself and let God love you.” I almost cried right then and there because I know he is right in more ways than one. Lets face it, we are our own worst critic, and to me I am probably the worst one of all. In everything that has happened my life, new and old, forgiving myself is one of the hardest things I’ve had to learn to do. As much as I say that I could have done this or that and the situation may have ended differently.

Going through a severe case of depression is not something that you can easily come out of… no matter how long it has been. You build and build and build your tower of defense. Walls sooooo thick that a wrecking ball couldn’t go through it, bombs and missiles, whatever, you name it, it couldn’t break through. Or so you thought. Here comes a tiny little needle prick and those walls come crumbling down like they were never there. And now, the thought of trying to rebuild all of that… sucks the life out of you.

But then I think back to my pastor’s words, You’re human! Forgive yourself and let God Love you. I believe in God, trust God, have faith in God, and I love God. But have I forgiven myself and let God love me? Tears come pouring out like a broken faucet as I think to myself, I have never done that… what does that feel like? And maybe I don’t feel that love from God because I built this wall around me, around my heart, protecting myself, even from God.

One of my favorite christian songs “Once and For All” by Lauren Daigle. I’ve always loved this song, but the words have never pierced my heart  the way they do tonight.

“Once And For All”1271976_10202278272663946_526430607_o

God I give You all I can today
These scattered ashes that are hid away
I lay them all at Your feet

From the corners of my deepest shame
The empty places where I’ve worn Your name
Show me the love I say I believe

O Help me to lay it down
Oh, Lord I’ll lay it down

O let this be where I die
My Lord with thee crucified
Be lifted high as my kingdom fall
Once and for all, once and for all

There is victory in my saviors loss
and In the crimson flowing from the cross
Pour over me, pour over me

O let this be where I die
My Lord with thee crucified
Be lifted high as my kingdom fall
Once and for all, once and for all

O Lord I lay it down
O Lord I lay it down
Help me to lay it down
O Lord I lay it down

O let this be where I die
My Lord with thee crucified
Be lifted high as my kingdom fall
Once and for all

Once and for all

O Once and for all

Once and for all

(this is what I imagine – me standing in an empty field with mist and haze all around, walls crumbled to the floor and God gently walks toward me and take my hand and I am at peace)

End Note: As a friend would say, walls are good and bad, you just have to know which ones to put up and which ones to bring down.

time to hit the pause and reset button

It’s been such a long time since I’ve gotten to sit down and enjoy an evening to myself… It’s been one crazy whirlwind of a week but I feel like it’s been longer than that.  OKAY there are parts of life that always seem like it happened so fast that I’m still trying to catch up from everything that happened.

Last weekend (Saturday) my brother flew in from Oklahoma. The rest of the day… I’m going to leave it at that…

Sunday we celebrated our parents birthdays. Happy Birthday MOM and DAD! So in one day, we had parent’s birthday lunch, then got me a new car! WOW, I have a new car?!? Apparently so! Oh and Happy Easter! Then meet up with friends to escape another room. Do I remember what happened after that? Obviously I went home… I guess I went to sleep…

So Monday rolls around… went to work… after work Drove to Valencia to finalize car stuff. Stop by mom’s house to get food for the week. Stop by friend’s house in Sunland to pick up my snow board that he’s been holding for a few years… I do plan to sell it soon.

Tuesday – Work as usual. After work, rush home, walk Mochi, feed the pets (I think I did or maybe after I got back home?) Rush to church for piano lesson. Rush through lesson and go to meet up with the rest of the gang to get RAMEN!!!

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Wednesday – (Side note… I’m starting to forget everything that happened last week?) Oh I remember now, I had dinner with my mom at Benihana for her birthday coupon. We had a great evening of just talking and enjoying good food.

Thursday was… I’m going to leave it at that.

Friday was a much needed time back to bible study after a long break.  When I got to church, knocked out on the couch, didn’t realize I did. Woke up, ate really quick, then bible study. Getting back to my normal schedule feels nice.

Saturday – Slept in after a minor anxiety attack the night before. Mochi had a doggie play date with Kory. Susanna and I had a nice long talk and had a really good breakfast. Went home and napped then off to church for praise practice. I always look forward to these days. Had dinner, watched Superman vs. Batman… left the movie early not cuz I didn’t like it but ended up with a another anxiety attack and went home and slept it off.

Back to Sunday. Normal Sunday service with two really good messages from two services. Had lunch, chilled with friends at church, went home and napped, walked Mochi, gave her a bath, cooked dinner after a month or more of eating out. And now relaxing on the couch watching Friends.

With everything that happened, remembering that God is always on my side is something that I always have to remember no matter how good or bad things might be. There are always times when things go so well or on the flip side that things are going so bad or out of control that I forget to thank God or to even ask for help. Regardless, I said a truly heartfelt prayer that I haven’t done in a long time and God did not hesitate to respond and help me. As many times as I have forgotten God, he will never forget me. And for that I am blessed! Thank You God!

Hopefully this month will be a time of focusing on God and a lot getting life back to a normal pace.