Mirror, Mirror, on the wall…

I have always been afraid of you near or far

The image you reflect is not of me

But of something dark that I do not wish to see

The demons that hide behind my eyes

Wish to crawl through and be freed

If they are allowed out

I will be trapped

Is it self esteem, being scared, or depression? Actually, all of the above. But I guess they can all tie into each other right? I’ve always struggled with liking myself, never did. I always was self conscious about the way I looked. People would compliment me, I say thank you, but inside I don’t believe them. I look at the mirror but I’m not looking at me. I’m just making sure that my clothes match and that I don’t look like a zombie.

There is always that fear when you are washing your face and when you come up to look in the mirror, there is someone behind you or you see a shadow move past you. Blame it on all those horror movies. HAHA

There are times when I look in the mirror and the reflection is not me. Someone else is there. Waiting to get out, pushing its way through. I see the way you look at me. Telling me that I am not strong enough, that you will push through and I will be gone. If I don’t look you in the eye, I think I might have a chance. Who are you? Are you good or bad? But when I have let you out before, it’s been bad. Who is the real me? I miss the happy side of me, I miss the laughing side of me. The more you come out, the more I forget who I am or should I say was? I slowly fade away, feelings are no longer there. What is it like to feel? What is it like to miss? Is anyone home?

In the words of Linkin Park “PPr:Kut”

I don’t know what stressed me first
Or how the pressure was fed
But I know just what it feels like
To have a voice in the back of my head
It’s like a face that I hold inside
A face that awakes when I close my eyes
A face that watches everytime I lie
A face that laughs everytime I fall
And watches everything
So, know that when it’s time to sink or swim
That the face inside is hearing me
Right underneath my skin

…………