“forgive yourself and let God love you”

Those words have been ringing in my ear since my pastor said them to me last night. He asked me how my personal life was going, as he would normally checking to make sure I was ok. With my recent encounters of life, being a pastor and knowing my history, I knew he wouldn’t judge me and I ended up telling him what was going on. At the end of our conversation he says to me “I could see you beating yourself up to a pulp for the rest of your life” and in the next breath he says “you need to forgive yourself and let God love you.” I almost cried right then and there because I know he is right in more ways than one. Lets face it, we are our own worst critic, and to me I am probably the worst one of all. In everything that has happened my life, new and old, forgiving myself is one of the hardest things I’ve had to learn to do. As much as I say that I could have done this or that and the situation may have ended differently.

Going through a severe case of depression is not something that you can easily come out of… no matter how long it has been. You build and build and build your tower of defense. Walls sooooo thick that a wrecking ball couldn’t go through it, bombs and missiles, whatever, you name it, it couldn’t break through. Or so you thought. Here comes a tiny little needle prick and those walls come crumbling down like they were never there. And now, the thought of trying to rebuild all of that… sucks the life out of you.

But then I think back to my pastor’s words, You’re human! Forgive yourself and let God Love you. I believe in God, trust God, have faith in God, and I love God. But have I forgiven myself and let God love me? Tears come pouring out like a broken faucet as I think to myself, I have never done that… what does that feel like? And maybe I don’t feel that love from God because I built this wall around me, around my heart, protecting myself, even from God.

One of my favorite christian songs “Once and For All” by Lauren Daigle. I’ve always loved this song, but the words have never pierced my heart  the way they do tonight.

“Once And For All”

God I give You all I can today
These scattered ashes that are hid away
I lay them all at Your feet

From the corners of my deepest shame
The empty places where I’ve worn Your name
Show me the love I say I believe

O Help me to lay it down
Oh, Lord I’ll lay it down

O let this be where I die
My Lord with thee crucified
Be lifted high as my kingdom fall
Once and for all, once and for all

There is victory in my saviors loss
and In the crimson flowing from the cross
Pour over me, pour over me

O let this be where I die
My Lord with thee crucified
Be lifted high as my kingdom fall
Once and for all, once and for all

O Lord I lay it down
O Lord I lay it down
Help me to lay it down
O Lord I lay it down

O let this be where I die
My Lord with thee crucified
Be lifted high as my kingdom fall
Once and for all

Once and for all

O Once and for all

Once and for all

(this is what I imagine – me standing in an empty field with mist and haze all around, walls crumbled to the floor and God gently walks toward me and take my hand and I am at peace)

End Note: As a friend would say, walls are good and bad, you just have to know which ones to put up and which ones to bring down.