Going backwards

I feel like I have to re-examine myself as to what happened in the past, while I was trying to figure out how to deal with my mental illness, why things are the way they are now. I keep wondering if I should go back and read through my journals that I told myself I would never open again. Afraid that it might be a trigger and set me back. I’ve come this far, I don’t want to have to go through it again. I’m just trying to fit the puzzle pieces of my life back together again. Filing in the gaps and wanting to cover the holes to become whole again. I feel like there was a whole chunk of my life where I ducked and dodged so many things that it stopped my life from happening. Not that it’s a bad thing cuz I’m in a good place right now, but I keep wondering how much things would be different if I just let those things happen. I guess I’m trying to make up for lost time.

One of the things that has been weighing heavily on my mind is my relationship with Mochi and how we don’t have that lovey dovey relationship that most dog owners have with their dog. There is a big hole in my memory as to what happened to my relationship with Mochi in those three to four years. I keep thinking that I was so preoccupied with learning how to deal with my mental illness and didn’t have the time to make that connection and build that bond with Mochi. Now I am doing everything I can to build that relationship that was lost. I keep saying that she is an independent dog but how come I get jealous when she goes up to any stranger and just lays down, rolls over and expects them to rub her tummy? She doesn’t always do that with me. When we are at the dog park, she runs and jumps on any person’s lap and gives them all the love and kisses. When we are home, she has her spot on the couch. Don’t get me wrong, we have our own bonding moments like when we just sit in the front lawn, she sits on my lap and we just watch cars go by. Sometimes she will even turn her head and give me kisses. She sleeps on the bed with me but I can’t pet her while she is sleeping. In the mornings that we sleep in, I lay my head down close to hers and put my hands on her paws and she will eventually roll over and let me give her a tummy rub. We have our moments of bonding, but I wish there was more of it. I’ve been working with a dog trainer with some of my concerns so hopefully things will be even better.

Another thing I constantly wonder about is my love life. How nonexistent it is. I’ve dated so many different guys but I was always the one that ended it. And if I really think about it, it was mostly because when things were starting to go well, I would end up having an episode and would duck and hide and tell the person that it wasn’t going to workout no matter how good the relationship might have been going. I realize that I’ve hurt so many guys in the process and I feel horrible. I guess I wasn’t mentally stable enough to be in a relationship at that time or I didn’t know how to handle it? It was a learning process but not really. I just shut people out as fast as I could and now that I am looking for love, there is no one there. Or at least I haven’t found the right person, I guess.

I know I kept complaining about my family not being there for me too but at the same time, like I have written before, I shut them out. So how are they supposed to find their way back in my life when I won’t let them? I expected them to just come up to me and ask me what was going on with me. They probably did and just as a reflex I said I was fine, not knowing they were trying to be there for me. I realize that now, after my surgery, how much my family was there for me supporting me from beginning to end even up until now.

Maybe it was a defense mechanism. I didn’t want to deal with my mental illness , I didn’t accept my mental illness and in turn, I didn’t want to deal with anyone or anything else. It was easier to duck and hide and shut people out and not have to think about it versus having to process all the emotions that might be involved with the situation. I think it was three years of ducking and hiding and shutting people out. The last two years, I’ve slowly opened up and started to learn how to deal with and accept my mental illness.

Things are a lot better now. I am in a good place in my life. My mental illness is under control. I love my job. My relationship with my family is getting better. I am working on my relationship with Mochi. My love life needs a little boost. But for the most part I couldn’t ask for anything more. Slowly putting the puzzle pieces together.


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