Growing up is the time when you try to figure your self out, but there is so much change going on in your life that you can’t exactly know who you are yet. There are those who are lucky enough to know themselves by the time they reach college.
When you get to that time of being in relationships, you tend to gravitate to the habits of your significant other, at least I did. You don’t exactly have a sense of self, yet again. You go from relationship to relationship, changing from one person to the next not really knowing who you are. You don’t really find yourself until you don’t have anyone to be like. If you know what I mean.
I know that when I was in my relationships, I did what my significant other did. I liked what they liked. I didn’t like what they didn’t like. I mimicked everything they did. I know that is very unhealthy but I had really low self esteem. I didn’t even know where to begin when it came to finding myself and if you read some of my older blogs, my sense of self or emotional state were always taken away. How am I supposed to find myself at the same time being with someone else?
I’ve been single for such a long time and a lot has happened over the years. In the beginning a struggled a lot. Stumbled and fumbled, crash landed and drowned in so many different things that I had to go through that I forgot some of the things that happened. At the same time, it was because I did all that that I finally found myself. Going through all the pain and suffering, clawing tooth and nail out of situations, having my heart shattered to a million pieces, that was all part of me finding myself. I spent a good amount of time mending my wounds and healing my heart and in the process started to find myself. I started to figure out who I was, what I liked, what I didn’t like, etc. I don’t think I would have been able to find myself if I was in a relationship while all the bad stuff was happening and then into the healing process. I wouldn’t know that I could do those things on my own because I had to rely on someone to help me. I know that having someone there is good because they are there to support you but then, there is the risk of you relying too much on their support and then always needing that support, if you catch my drift? Maybe that’s just my independent side talking? But I know when I was first diagnosed with my mental illness, my ex-boyfriend was taking care of me. He was always around when I needed him. He was there during the worst episodes. I called him all the time, even in the middle of the night. It was only getting worse and he was the only one that really could take care of me but I think that is what drove him away. One day he just stopped talking to me and from there I had to learn to pick myself up and walk on my own two feet. If he never had left, I would have never learned how to take care of myself and find myself at the same time.
I was talking to a friend today. He has his own business and has a family. Something along these lines he said “as a business owner, I have a company to run. As a husband, I have a wife to support and take care of. As a father, I have to be a father figure for him. As for me, there isn’t much left for me to be me.” (Krispy Kreme, if I got that wrong… let me know.) I felt really bad for him. It made me realize how lucky I am that I have the life that I do. I life a very care free life. I’m not tied down by anything and it took some time but I finally found myself. He has to take care of a company and a family and try to find himself at the same time. Does anyone really have the time to find themselves, if they haven’t already, with all of that on their shoulders?
I always think about and was told this many times, how can you take care of others when you can’t take care of yourself?