time to process

I don’t know if it’s the meds or the illness that’s causing the mind to slow down or have I always been slow to process things? I’ve noticed it for some time now, I have a hard time processing difficult situations. I just had a depressive episode and while myself and my body are over it, my mind is still processing it. I mean it’s been a couple of weeks now and my body is way ahead and my brain is 10 steps behind trying to catch up. My brain is still going through the motions of the depressive episode, bad memories keep coming back playing over and over in my head but with no intention of reenacting them, they just keep repeating in my head. Why? I don’t know. This is new to me. If it wasn’t for my friend who pointed out exactly what was happening, I’d still be going in circles trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with me. Now, when will my brain finally catch up with the rest of myself, I don’t know, I guess I just have to let it play itself out.

This isn’t the only time this has happened, this is just the most recent situation that has been bugging me and it’s happening right now.

There was one time when I went on a date with a guy and his kids happened to be there too. Some time after the first date, I had already told the guy about my mental illness, his son asked him if I was okay? Because he noticed that I wouldn’t respond right away or I would look away when I spoke or wouldn’t be able to answer questions at all.

Or when my cousin would tell me that she notices when I’m not all there during conversations, my mind would be somewhere else if anything. She just never told me about it. My other best friend noticed it too.

That was a harsh reality to wake up to. I fell into a depressive episode after.

It’s one thing to know if you already know that you have a hard time processing things versus someone actually pointing it out. It feels like it adds to the “there is something wrong with me” factor. I know they didn’t mean any harm by saying it and I did ask them so they were never at fault. It’s just one more thing to add to the list of things that I have to accept and learn to cope with. If that made sense.

I don’t remember ever being like this before I was diagnosed unless I never really paid attention to it and no one ever pointed it out but I have read that psych meds have that affect and depending on your mental illness that it could be a symptom. So if I’m not fighting one, I’m fighting the other, if not both. I guess in the end, it’s just another thing to process.


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