discombobulated episode

So with everything going on with me, I’m beginning to think, am I having an episode? I’m so deathly afraid of having an episode that I could possibly be denying that I am in one. Does an episode mean I have to be depressed? I don’t even know if I am depressed. I haven’t been depressed in a long time. I know my mind is not all there and I can’t seem to focus but my mood really isn’t on the up and up either. I can’t describe what I’m feeling right now. I’m uneasy, out of sorts, can’t think straight and just down in the dumps. I don’t know what is causing this or what exactly triggered it.

I had a spa date with my mom today so I had time to sit there and think about things, but still, I couldn’t get my thoughts together. I’m the listening ear for my mom, but she is not for me. Do I need to call my therapist? How long is this going to last? And all this time I’ve been saying “I haven’t had an episode in over a year,” and here I am right smack in the middle of one. If what I’m going through is even called an episode? See, I’m still in denial.

But now here’s the thing, I would have to feel like this or worse for at least two weeks in order for my psychiatrist to even consider changing my medication. But do I want to change my medication again? Is it really my medication that is failing? or is this something that I just need to go through the motions of? That’s the hard part, you can never tell unless it gets worse. And at the same time, I have to pinpoint exactly what it is that I’m feeling and I can’t do that. It’s just a discombobulated episode. Not your typical depression symptoms. So what am I supposed to do? Just ride it out I guess and hopefully it ends soon. Back under my rock hiding I go.

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