How long do we hang on to the bad things that happened in our lives? Do we ever forget those things or do we say we do but it somehow lingers in the back of our minds. Do we move on with our lives and just not worry about it anymore? But then there are times when you talk to someone about it and the memory is brought back, how do you feel then? Are you okay talking about it without getting mad or does it bring you right back to when it happened and all of a sudden the all the feelings come back again?
I think about this all the time with everything that has happened to me. I say that I have moved on and I’m over the pain but then when someone asks about it, the feelings come back or I’m just angry about the whole thing. So have I really dealt with all those things? I’ve been to therapy and talked about it many times and every time I feel like, okay, I’m good, I’m over it, I can move on with my life. But then it always comes back. Is it the saying “you can’t forgive unless you forget?” I thought I have gone through the process of forgiving some of the things but I will never forget what happened. Is that what is holding me back? At the same time, I always say, I wouldn’t be the person I am today without going through those bad things. How do I begin to forget about all the bad things that happened in my life? As many times as I’ve tried to move on, I still feel like I’m stuck in the past. I love this song by Linkin Park “Iridescent”
Do you feel cold and lost in desperation?
You build up hope, but failure’s all you’ve known
Remember all the sadness and frustration
And let it go, let it go
I try to stick by these words and I try to let all those bad memories go. I feel like at that moment I do, it’s just when the past is brought up, that is when the feelings come back. Other than that I’m good. Am I contradicting myself?
The other part of things happening in your life is accepting the things that happened in your life. “If you can’t beat them, join ’em.” So I can’t seem to forget about my past, now I have to learn to accept it. It will be in my memory forever so I have to learn to cope with it. Again, the things that happened to me in the past is what makes me the person I am today. It made me learn how to find myself and take care of myself when no one was around. I didn’t let myself get consumed by my grief or hatred during those times. Another Linkin Park song that relates to this, ( I know, Linkin Park again, but they understand me so well!) “Lost in the Echo,”
Test my will, test my heart
Let me tell you how the odds gonna stack up
Y’all go hard, I go smart
How’s it working out for y’all in the back, huh?
I’ve seen that frustration
Been crossed and lost and told no
And I’ve come back unshaken
Let down and lived and let go
So you can let it be known
I don’t hold back, I hold my own
I can’t be mapped, I can’t be cloned
I can’t C-flat, it ain’t my tone
I can’t fall back, I came too far
Hold myself up and love my scars
Let the bells ring wherever they are
‘Cause I was there saying
In these promises broken
Each word gets lost in the echo
So one last lie I can see through
This time I finally let you
Go, go, go
And in the end, again, I have to let it go. I’m halfway there. I’ve accepted the things in my past many times over, the last thing to do is to let them go, once and for all. I don’t know when that will be. I’m working on it. I just have to not let it get to me when I do talk about it. Or do I just not talk about it? And again, contradiction.