To love and to be loved… that is what I long for.
I’ve had my fair share of broken hearts and I don’t want it anymore. It hurts really bad you know! I mean it really really hurts! To pour all your heart and soul, everything you have, everything you would give and could give, to a person, to a relationship that you hope would last a lifetime. All for it to fall apart in the end. You feel your heart trying to break free out of your chest and fall to the ground like porcelain and shatter to a million pieces. You try to gasp for air but the air is thin. The weight of the world on your shoulders. The skies turn grey. There is no light at the end of the tunnel. Time and time again. To the point where I gave up on love. I walked away. I walked away from the pain. I walked away from the thought of ever having my heart be broken again.
After 3 years,my heart has had time and managed to put itself back together again. My lungs have air to breathe again and the pain has healed. Not to say if I’m ready to love again, that I don’t quite know. I’m still heavily guarded and have a hard time trusting anyone that tries to get too close. I was chit chatting with my doctor on one of my routine visits and she asked about my love life… I said it was non-existent because it is, but she was not having it. She said, and I quote, “You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince.” That kind of stuck with me. With that being said, I’m back into this so called online dating, I will call it a game, thing. Now I have tried online dating before and there are some mean guys out there I tell you! This time around I’ve ended up with a couple of funny stories, some odd ones, some WHAT THE?!? ones, and you get the picture.
So here goes…
I don’t know if I was being too critical of this guy but you gotta hear me out… We met on POF. He had a cute picture. We started messaging each other and eventually exchanged numbers. From then the text messages were overflowing and at some point we started talking on the phone. One night we were talking for two hours. The next night three. The next night four hours! I mean everything about this guy was going so well! We clicked on so many levels from politics to religion. We finally set up a date. We were going to Universal Citywalk to have lunch and watch a movie. When I walked out of my apartment to go meet him, my jaw dropped to the floor and my heart sank. He did not look at all like his picture! Not even the slightest bit, ok maybe a smidgen? I could not recognize him. How I knew it was him was he had the pig humidifier that we had spoke about. He also carried I guess what you can say was a satchel. So I proceed to say hello and went on the date anyway. We headed to Universal and decided to get lunch before the movie. Okay, normally, on the first date, you sit across from each other but the table that they gave us was an L shape. I sat on one side thinking he was going to sit on the other… NOPE he scooted all the way halfway into my side and squished right next to me. Personal space dude! I couldn’t speak up because I was still trying to figure out if he kinda looked like his picture or not. So we got our food. Our conversation was not like it was over the phone. It was broken, we couldn’t carry a conversation. There was a lot of awkward silence between us. Okay, I understand that it’s different when you meet someone in person versus talking on the phone, but still. After lunch we went to go watch Wonder. It was a bit of a tear jerker… Okay, here is where I don’t know if I’m being too critical. I don’t know you tell me. So, tear jerker movie, I’m sniffling and he notices and he pulls out a pack of tissue from his satchel! I mean thank you. But guys don’t normally carry tissue with them!!! I was totally weirded out and again a jaw dropping moment in this whole thing. So am I being too critical? After the movie he asked me if I wanted coffee, I said no but if he wanted to get something, he could, and he did. More awkward silence while we sat and he sipped his coffee. He asked if I still wanted to go to Universal Studios, mind you it was 6:00 pm. I said no and I had to get home to walk Mochi. He asked if he could join me to walk Mochi and I said no. Got home, date over, FINALLY! Boy that was painful. No text or phone calls exchanged that evening. The next day he texts me saying he had a good time and asked when could we have our second date? I was honest and said that he was a good guy and we had a lot of things in common but I thought we should just be friends. He texts back thank you for being honest, please delete my contact information and he will do the same as well. Deep breath! That’s over with.
Another guy I was talking to lived in Cerritos. Conversations with him were like pulling teeth. I mean I know we all get busy at work but no contact after about 12 hours or so??? I don’t even know why I kept talking to him, I guess I was just giving him a chance and seeing where things would go? So we finally got to talking about meeting each other. He mentioned a dog park since he knew about Mochi. I don’t remember the exact texts but it went like this… Me: So there is a dog park I go to near my house. Him: Your house? LOL Me: Did I say something wrong? Him: I’m not going up there. I immediately said this isn’t going to work and said goodbye. That was that.
A glimmer of hope… I started talking to another guy. We clicked right off the bat and were texting back and forth and somehow spontaneously decided to meet up that evening. We met at Aroma Cafe near my house. He looked like his picture. Thank God! We ordered coffee and fries. Found a table and just started talking. Everything was going great. Conversation had a good flow, good laughs, found things in common. Said our goodnight and went home. The next day we made plans to meet again. We went to go watch Star Wars one Saturday and went home after that but then he called me again and asked to get dinner. So off we went. Things were still going well. Okay, my only complaint was that he was a little too lax with his clothing. I would think that you would clean up a bit on a date right? Nope he had a bit of a grungy look. After that night, we continued to text but it started to taper off and then it just went away. Oh well.
Then there was this guy that I was talking to for about a month and haven’t met yet… He lived in Laguna. We texted and he would call almost everyday. Okay I feel really bad about this one for stringing him along. So he would call me, sometimes I would pick up and other times I wouldn’t and make up some excuse why I couldn’t answer my phone. Over the holiday season, I told him I was going to be busy with family stuff since my brother was going to be in town just to let him know, this was true. He still tried calling me and I was like, dude!, I’m with my family and don’t have time to talk. He said he missed talking to me and he did this several times which was kind of annoying. After the holidays, I started answering his calls and actually started talking to him. We finally set up a time to meet. I was going to go down to Laguna Beach and make a day out of it. Days leading up to the day we met, one of our conversations was a bit weird… He tells me that he picked a fight with someone at the grocery store because they cut in front of him. The guy had two kids and he was swearing at the dad. He even told me that he yelled at the lady at the register for letting the guy cut in front of him. He said that the guy that cut in front of him was afraid that he was going to hit him. So the guy I’m talking to asks me what I would have done in that situations. I said I would have said “excuse me, there is a line” to they guy but not make a big fuss about it. Guy I’m talking to says well I told you this to gain perspective on how you handle things… Well obviously he doesn’t handle situations very well. He proceeded to say that he had to prove that he was right and needed to stand up for his rights and thats how he was at work and show them who’s boss. I’m like those are two different situations. Then he was like, maybe its because I’m from the east coast… we stand up for what’s right. Okay dude! It was a little thing at the grocery store… no need to go ballistic on anyone for a little thing. The next day I texted him that I didn’t think we should meet anymore. He apologized and said he didn’t mean to scare me. I told him he didn’t scare me, I just didn’t think things would work out between us. He asked to make it up to me and I said ok. He called later that night and continued to apologize non stop. I just said there is nothing to be sorry about and there is nothing to forgive. The situation happened and that’s that. I just don’t want to be there when you have another outburst. He apologized some more and said that he is normally a nice guy, that was just a bad situation. I said, that is not something you would say to someone you are trying to get to know. That was the end of the conversation. The next couple of days he tried texting me and I just didn’t answer. That was the end of that.
Sorry for the long stories, but this is what I’ve run into so far. This online dating this is really hard. I haven’t found my frog prince yet and I don’t know when I will. At the same time, I am still heavily guarded and my walls are up. I’m still very afraid of getting hurt again and putting myself out there puts me at risk for that. I have thought that I would end up alone for the rest of my life which I have accepted for the most part, but I do admit that it gets really lonely sometimes. Not having someone to talk to, someone to make memories with, someone to cuddle with on those cold winter nights. Let alone I am deathly afraid that when they find out about my mental condition that they will go running. I think that is my biggest fear. On that note, people have told me, if he is the right one, that won’t even be an issue. I hope so. I miss the flowers and the teddy bears. I miss waking up next to someone in the morning. I miss making dinner for someone other than myself, even though I’m not the best cook. I really would like to know how it feels like to be truly loved by someone who loves you more than you love yourself. I guess I’m looking for true love, if it exists and I guess you can just say I’m a hopeless romantic.