to be loved

already having issues of really low self esteem growing up and after so many years and many different people telling you that you’re too happy or too sad or too emotional or why are you mad or you can’t be angry, you’re not allowed to cry or whatever it might be that they didn’t like about you…a few always said that to me… throughout the day, every day, every new emotion that I had… it gets really really confusing! already not knowing how to act and not being able to express any type of emotion and having to keep a straight face and just suck it up and make it seem like nothing ever happened. Then the flip side, why inner demonare you always so serious? WOW talk about stripping someone of any emotional capability. Then the next one says to me, “why don’t you dress like her, why don’t you dance like her, why don’t you listen to her type of music?” The next question should have been “Why aren’t you her?” and my response, “THEN WHY DON’T YOU DATE HER!?!” You’re not skinny enough, you’re thighs are bigger than my arms! and the list goes on! You forget who you are and how to react or even have a reaction to anything. Actually, I did, but no one ever knew. Outside, a straight face, or a face that everyone and anyone would accept, can’t show any hint of something they may not like. Inside, the aftermath of a never ending nuclear explosion of emotions. There is no making sense of anything at all. There is no reference point to even build from. The heart is broken to and maybe almost at the point of disintegrating into nothingness.

And yet I wonder how I ever and if I ever really was capable of really loving anyone? And if anyone really ever loved me back. All I ever really wanted was to be loved for who I am… who is that really? Who could love me considering that I couldn’t love myself or even know who I was?

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