Affection

I’ve been single for a very long time now. Dated here and there but no relationship significant enough to have any real affection involved. What is affection? Definition of affection – a gentle feeling of fondness or liking. The only affection I give is to my pets and my family members, other than that, the feeling isn’t there.

I’ve been chatting with this one guy off and on for some time now. He’s interested, I’m interested. So what’s the problem? He takes FOREVER to make a move. I gave him so many opportunities for us to meet or even just hang out but he would over analyze and question everything that nothing would ever happen. By the way, he’s an old college friend. We have been at this for about a year now, if not longer. Why do I stick around? Maybe it’s because I like the attention. With all the bad dates that I’ve been on, I know that this person really cares about me and his feelings might be truly genuine. And I wonder what our relationship would be like. Oh yea, I haven’t seen him in years! Only through pictures. He still looks the same and he is cute.

Even then, it’s a constant game that we play with our text messages. He texts me that he misses me and that he’s thinking about me and I automatically ask myself, do I respond or do I leave it alone? I don’t always answer because I’m afraid of where the conversation might go. Usually I start off with a very innocent “Hi, I miss you.” text and it somehow always leads to sex. He’s very open about his sexuality, I’m not. Let’s just be clear about that. So with that being said, on some days I’ll respond and maybe talk to him for a little bit, still thinking it might lead to sex so if it starts to get there, I pretend I fell asleep. On the other days, I won’t respond at all. I know, I know, but at the same time I don’t know what to do. Being single for a long time makes me crave attention and if this is the only way I can get it, then so be it. I know, I’m pathetic. “Sigh”

So the other day, we were texting and he said his usual “I miss affection.” I immediately think, what am I supposed to say to that? And the very honest me who couldn’t come up with anything better to say says “I’m used to being alone now.” He goes on to say he’s sorry and that he thinks that I need affection. My response, “Shrug.” What do I mean? I mean I don’t know what to say to that. He goes on to say “you wouldn’t let me touch you?” I said “I’m just really used to being alone. I’m just not in the mood these days. It’s the last thing on my mind.” (This is why I’m still single. HA!) And somehow he comes back with “Then why do you miss me?” Why? Can’t I just miss you? Do I have to have a reason to miss you? You don’t need touch to miss someone. You just miss them.

Not only have I been single for a very long time now (I know I’ve said it many times already and it’s getting old, I need a new excuse) now we are social distancing because of COVID-19, it makes matters worse for me. We can’t touch or hug or kiss, not even our family. How are we supposed to give affection? I live alone with my pets. At least some people have their families and they can give affection to each other. I am just one person. I go to visit my sister and her family and still have to stay 6 feet away. It makes me feel very alone. I guess he was right about me needing affection but probably not in the way he was thinking.

One thought on “Affection

  1. Love really seems to suck sometimes. But I look back to my single days and see so much I could have done. Instead I was an emotional wreck and drunk every chance I could get..

    Liked by 1 person

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