“Nobody Can Save Me”

It’s been three years since I was diagnosed with Schizoaffective Disorder and it has been quite a roller coaster ride. Thankfully my doctor has found the right combination of medications to get me stable for about a year now and I am doing great.

When Linkin Park released their last album, “One More Light,” there was one particular song in there that hit me hard… “Nobody Can Save Me.” I was on an uphill battle for a long time, even before I was diagnosed, that I thought I would never overcome. With the help of some people, doctors and medication, I was able to conquer half the battle. Little did I know that the other half had to come from within. This song helped me to face that other half.

I’ve always accepted the fact that I had to face my demons. I always had little quotes saying “The demons in my head are fighting the angels in my heart. And the demons are winning” or “It’s easier to let my demons win than to pretend that I still care enough to fight them.” And in some of my older posts, whether they were hallucinations or not, I mentioned seeing demons in my room. But with this song, the first line of the lyrics are “I’m dancing with my demons…” So why not face them head on and say that I’m not afraid of you anymore. I’m strong enough to fight you or brave enough to stand along side with you. “I’m holding up a light, Chasing out the darkness inside…”

The next part of the song that really got to me was “You tell me it’s alright, Tell me I’m forgiven…” I cried when I heard those words. To realize that it is okay, it is okay to have this mental illness and that it is no fault of mine. To be forgiven for anything that I have done or anything that has happened during this time. For putting people through situations that I had no control over. To forgive myself for everything that has happened that was out of my control. Forgiveness is something I have struggled with for a very long time and to hear someone or a song say that I’m forgiven brings tears to my eyes every time I hear it.

“But nobody can save me now…” I have people that care about me and supporting me during this time and no matter how hard they try, I still tend to push them away because I don’t want them to see me in whatever condition I am in and I prefer to be alone when times are bad. I had one person who tried everything he can to save me and in the end he couldn’t. I remember vaguely of people telling him that he couldn’t save me. It has to come from me. I have to be the one to want to save myself. Until then, no matter how much anyone wants to try, they won’t succeed. Sure with the help of therapist, psychiatrist and medication will help, but the main part really does come from within. Once the medication started to work, it was up to me to do things in my life to make things better. I can’t just continue to sit around and expect to be happy just relying on the medication alone. I got up and started to do the things I used to love and found happiness in life again. And that ends with the lyrics “Been searching somewhere out there, for what’s been missing right here…”

I’m dancing with my demons
I’m hanging off the edge
Storm clouds gather beneath me
Waves break above my head
At first hallucination
I wanna fall wide awake now
You tell me it’s alright
Tell me I’m forgiven
Tonight
But nobody can save me now
I’m holding up a light
Chasing up the darkness inside
‘Cause nobody can save me

Stare into this illusion
For answers yet to come
I chose a false solution
But nobody proved me wrong
At first hallucination
I wanna fall wide awake
Watch the ground giving way now 
You tell me it’s alright
Tell me I’m forgiven
Tonight
But nobody can save me now
I’m holding up a light
I’m chasing up the darkness inside
‘Cause nobody can save me

Been searching somewhere out there
For what’s been missing right here
I’ve been searching somewhere out there
For what’s been missing right here

I wanna fall wide awake now
So tell me it’s alright
Tell me I’m forgiven
Tonight
If only I can save me now
I’m holding up a light
Chasing up the darkness inside
And I don’t wanna let you down
But only I can save me

Been searching somewhere out there
For what’s been missing right here

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