in love’s words

If you were to sum yourself up in words of love, what would it say? I have a calendar on my desk that was given to me, “Whiskey words & a shovel,” that gives short sayings, if I am describing that correctly. Quotes maybe? Anyway today’s was this:

just stay.
I’m just a fucked-up lover
searching for someone who
will understand my scars
and never leave my side

I feel like it pretty much sums me up… okay maybe not as bad as fucked-up but still pretty messed up. In every relationship I had, there was always something that my significant other had to accept in order to be with me. It was just a matter of them being able to withstand all the burden that I carried and they would tell me that I’m too much to deal with.

Over time, bad things kept happening, I was heavily wounded and developed scars, deep ones. My last relationship probably was the heaviest yet. There was a period of time where he stood by me and took care of me and at some point he became just like the rest of them, he couldn’t take it anymore and left.

I always tell anyone that I think I would get into a serious relationship with that I’m a lot to deal with. I’m a crazy mixed up mess. You have to know what you’re getting yourself into if you agree to enter into this relationship. And in my own fault, because one after the other had left me, I would decide to leave the new person before they could leave me and hurt me. I don’t know how to trust people. I don’t know if anyone would dare to stay knowing all the burdens that I carry with me and would I be willing to let them stay. I’m tired of letting people in only to have them leave me in the end.

For once, I wish someone would just stay.

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