While things have been good for the past 9 months… my doctor hasn’t changed my meds, I haven’t had any depressive episodes in the past 6 months and everything seems to be okay, I still feel like my depression is hanging around, waiting to release some energy at some point. It’s been too long on the upside of things and it’s time to go back down.

I’ve been reading some articles about getting off of my anti-depressants but there are many warnings and side effects of doing so. I’ve only been on them for two and a half years. I know they are a part of my daily routine now and I’m deathly afraid to miss a dose, but I don’t want to be on meds forever. At the same time, with the way I’ve been feeling lately (waiting for the other shoe to drop), I don’t think I’m ready to get off my meds just yet.

I just read another article about what are some causes of depression besides clinical and it was a bit hard to swallow because it has something to do with a traumatic events in a persons past. I know I’ve gone to therapy and have talked through that particular incident, but every time it gets brought up, there are still residual feelings that got left behind. It’s as if I haven’t fully healed yet. I’m not trying to self inflict by reading these articles, I’m just simply reading them to gain knowledge and it just happens to open up some old wounds.

People wonder why I’m so heavily guarded, but that one incident has left a wound so deep that it still continues to affect me even after 18 years later. I say I’ve moved on from it and that I have forgiven that person. That I’ve forgiven myself of all the guilt and shame that I buried for so long, but have I really? I question myself because why do I still have these residual feelings? Even after years of therapy. After I let it all out. Said what I needed to say. It still hasn’t gone away. It still manages to creep it’s way back into my mind. I don’t know what to do right now. The only thing I could do is try not to think about it.