lets pretend

Lets pretend that this mental illness of mine was all made up. That I am doing it for attention. That I don’t need to take all this medicine. That I am always on the up and up and life is good. Then reality kicks in and it is all very real. I’m not doing it to get attention. Believe me, I don’t like getting all the attention. I don’t want to feel like this. I don’t want to have to rely on medication just to make me feel normal. I don’t want to constantly be asked “Are you okay?” because I really don’t have an answer and of course I’m going to lie and say that I am. But at the same time I don’t want to talk about it either. There is nothing to talk about. I’m just in a state of mind. The in between. Not negative, not positive, I’m in nowhere land. I have no control over this. It just happens without me knowing it and by that time, it’s too late. I’m already there. I’m in this state of mind that is indescribable. A blank stare across my face. My inside is hollow with cobwebs hanging here and there. Cold grey cement walls. No thoughts. No words. No actions. How long it lasts, I don’t know. I can’t put on a happy face anymore and pretend that everything is okay. I wish I could, it would make things a lot easier. People won’t get hurt. I don’t choose to be like this. But I can’t take it anymore. I don’t want to have to explain myself to people when they see me like this because there is no explanation. I’m tired of having to pretend that everything is okay, that I am okay, because I’m not and everything is not okay. I don’t want to be fixed, my doctor is already doing that. You just gotta let it pass. Lets just pretend that people understand what it is that I’m going through and give me a break. I am trying my hardest to get through this and I gotta tell you, this, THIS, is REALLY REALLY REALLY HARD! I haven’t given up yet. I’m still here, aren’t I? But please, don’t be offended if you are not the person that I choose to talk to about this. I do it for good reason. So in the end, lets just pretend that I don’t have this mental illness and you treat me like a normal person as if nothing was ever wrong.

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