I’ve been a sickly child my entire life. I was born one month premature, explains the sickly child thing. I can’t remember a time in my life when I wasn’t on any sort of medication whether it be over the counter or prescription, I’ve just been taking them all my life. It wasn’t until recently when I’ve gone a year or two without coming down with a cold but I’m still on medication for other stuff. If it’s not one thing, it’s another.
In all my relationships, I’ve had to warn my significant other that I get sick a lot. Don’t get me wrong, I know to take care of myself, I just get sick a lot. Somewhere in the relationship there is always the comment of “you’re always sick!” Uhm, I already told you that in the beginning. There were some instances where the sickness was more than a cold or the flu and I actually had to be taken to the ER or something along those lines. There was a period of time when doctors couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me. Eventually I got diagnosed with Costochondritis. An inflamation of the chest cartilage and there is no cure to it, just pain management. After that I got endometriosis. Both are under control now.
I can understand that having to deal with all these things could take a toll on a person. One of the reasons that my relationships didn’t work out was because I was always sick and my significant other couldn’t handle it.
With everything that was dropped on my lap, I learned how to deal with it and I learned how to take care of myself, you just have to keep moving forward and not let it take a hold of you.
Fast forward years later and I get diagnosed with mental illness. My ex-boyfriend at the time was taking care of me and was at the forefront of the worst part of it. He got the front row seat and backstage pass to anything and everything that happened to me as it unfolded. At some point, I’m not sure what happened but he just distanced himself from me. Lost all communication. I was still going through a lot during that time and I felt like he just left me to fend for myself. I was mad at him, angry at him, just like the others, he couldn’t take it anymore. At the same time, I was greatful that he was there for me when I needed him. I was just mad that he left too soon. (there is more to the story, but I’m not going to dive into it).
Now that I look back, I do understand why he left. I listened to the song “Scars” by Papa Roach and it made me realize that he did what he could for me but at the same time he had to take care of himself. I’m still mad at him for how the way things ended, but that is a whole other story.
Now, every time I think about entering a relationship, I feel like I have to say or I actually do say “I come with a warning label, enter at your own risk” in fears of the person not being able to handle the baggage that I come with. I have things under control but I never know when an episode will strike and how that would affect the relationship. I feel like I will never have a normal relationship because that will always be in the back of my mind, when is it going to happen? How bad is it going to be? How long will it last? I know my triggers and what signs to look out for but I just never know when it will happen. I keep saying this because I know it can happen. I know someone who is on the same boat as me. She was doing really well and then all of a sudden she relapsed and fell back into depression and still fighting to get out of it.
I’ve been on medication for 3 years, at some point I might build immunity to my medication and they will stop working. I know I have always been skeptical of my medication working, I guess I still am. I feel like I’m a ticking time bomb. I’ve been thinking about this for some time now, I just haven’t voiced it. I don’t know if me writing it down will make me feel better or not but it’s worth a shot.