relationship status

So I’ve dated quite a few guys here and there and obviously none of them have worked out. Why? Because I ended things for a number of reasons, not going to list all of them, I probably wrote about a few of them already. Going through all these short term relationships, if that is what you call them, I realize that I don’t want a relationship. This should come as no surprise because I talk about it with my therapist enough times already. I realize that all that I’m looking for is someone to hang out with, someone to do things with, maybe a travel buddy. I don’t want the commitment of a relationship. I like my independence way too much. I know some people have said that that shouldn’t matter in a relationship, but in some instances, you kinda loose a bit of it in said relationship. I was watching “How to be Single” over the weekend and she said something that I think I have always thought about because I’ve been single for some time now…

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“I’ve been thinking that the time we have to be single, is really the time we have to get good at being alone. But, how good at being alone do we really want to be? Isn’t there a danger that you’ll get so good at being single, so set in your ways, that you’ll miss out on the chance to be with somebody great?”

I’ve gotten really good at being single. I do things on my own so much that I forget to invite people along. I remember asking my mom why she was dating and she threw the question right back at me and it got me thinking… why am I dating? I know I said it that I was lonely and it goes back to just having someone to do things with, a companion. Dating just happened to get thrown in the mix just cause my doctor insisted that I get a move on with my love life. Well now, I’ve decided, I just can’t seem to find the right guy and I’m way too picky, but who isn’t? I give up. I’m done dating. I’m done looking for love. If love is out there for me, if it’s in the cards for me, then it will come find me. At that point, all my conditions, reservations, pickiness, and whatever other things that hold me back from any relationship should go away, right? So universe, the ball is in your court.

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meds, moods and life

So my meds are working, so it seems. I’ve gone a little over two months without a depressive episode. I have to wait a few more months to make sure they are really working, but for right now, they are. I have yet to pass the 6 month mark on changing my meds, then I know they REALLY are working. I do feel the difference. I’ve mentioned it several times before.

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With my meds working and me getting better, I notice something else… my mind isn’t as active, there are no thoughts that are constantly running through my mind, my imagination isn’t running a muck and my creativity is just dead. I find it harder to write, to put thoughts into words and I get writer’s block all the time! It seems like when I’m down in the dumps, everything just comes pouring out of me and there is no way to stop it and when I’m better, not even a drop of imagination comes out. I’m not saying that I want to be down in the dumps so I could write and do other stuff, it’s just an observation that I’ve noticed with all of this stuff going on with me. At the same time, I wait for life events to happen to spark any emotion out of me. I guess it has to do with the meds leveling out my moods. Not that I blame them, they are helping me handle my depression and other stuff. Maybe the real me is finally coming out after all these years, buried under this facade that I’ve created to hide from the world or maybe it really is the meds. I know that without the meds, I am this quirky, clumsy, somewhat nerdy, adventurous, sometimes careless girl that skips around life making it as simple as possible but attempting to make it fun at the same time. And right now I’m just on an even playing field with no mountains to climb or planes to jump out of and nothing to write about, really.

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But that is the challenge, right? To pull something out of nothing. To be creative without your fuel source to bring things to light. That’s when real creativity comes in. When you are your true self and you can create something wonderful. I would like to be able to write and be creative without being down in the dumps or some sort of life event happening. I don’t want to rely on my emotions to get my gears working. Is it the same thing as finding inspiration in anything that comes your way? Whatever it is, I want to be able to keep going no matter what mood I’m in. At the same time, I have to find that me again. The one that likes to go out on adventures and explore life to its full extent and not let anything stop me, including my meds. First it was a battle with my emotions and getting a handle on them, now it’s a battle with what moods my meds get me into. Will I ever be happy? (Rhetorical question).

Hawaii is a less than a week away and I am excited! I’ll probly have lots to write about considering all the adventures we’re going to have from riding ATV’s, zip lining, snorkeling and jumping off a 40′ cliff into the ocean. But then what happens after that? Life goes back to normal. Back to the same daily routine day after day until the next adventure I guess? That’s the thing, how can we make everyday life more interesting? I know there are so many things that I could do but, and I’m not making this an excuse but she is one of my priorities, I gotta take Mochi to the park everyday and let her mingle with her doggie friends. I want to do that for her. So with that being said, that makes my schedule a little more difficult to navigate. I can’t do anything til after 7pm. I’m not trying to put a downer on life, like everyone else, I just have to find a healthy balance. I’m sure there are plenty of things that I could do after 7pm, I just have to find them.

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Well I’m off to Hawaii on Friday… maybe I’ll write while I’m there, maybe I won’t. So if anything, I’ll write when I get back. Aloha!

 

are you ready?

I don’t think you are ready for me. I don’t think you are ready to see the deepest darkest side of me. You say you want to be there for me and want to be the person that I turn to, but you turn me away when I needed you most. Even if it was just to talk. It makes me not want to say things to you anymore. You accept the present part of me and want to focus on the future, but what is the future without the past? The past makes us who we are now. Unfortunately there are some things from my past that continue to haunt me, that I have to struggle through and try to move on from, but you have to accept that part of me too. I don’t expect you to understand everything that I tell you or have an answer or say anything for that matter, I just need you to be there. I told you that I am broken and that there are parts of me that need a deeper understanding. You told me that you made your choice and that you knew what you were getting into, but did you really? I think maybe, you bit off more than you could chew. I don’t want you to feel inadequate because you don’t know how to handle my situation. You won’t have the answer to everything. Just don’t turn me away when I try to open up to you. I don’t expect you to make any sense of my overly imaginative, chaotic, extremely complicated world in the beginning, it will definitely take a lot of time to navigate through that messy of a maze where even I, sometimes get lost. Just don’t make promises you can’t keep and don’t fill me with empty words. I’ve had my heart tangled with, messed up and shattered to a million pieces already, I don’t need to add anything else to that list. The only thing I expect from you is to just be yourself and don’t try so hard that you set yourself up for disappointment.

Am I okay with God now?

So I’ve been angry with God for some time now and yes I will say that yea, I did turn my back on him. I lost my faith in God. I lost all trust in God. I stopped looking to God for answers to any of my problems when he was the source of all my answers before. I was angry at God for giving me this thing that turned my whole world upside down. That I feel like I can’t handle it. I still feel like I’m too weak to face this thing alone. I always thought, I think about killing myself day in and day out, where is God in that? Every waking moment, that was all I thought about, but God was nowhere to be found. I prayed. I prayed hard and long until I couldn’t pray anymore for God to take it back. Take it all back, I can’t do this. And yet, no answer. I did the only thing I thought there was left to do, and so I turned my back on God.

It’s been a year and a half and I still have this thing, it hasn’t gone away. God hasn’t taken it back. I think I’m getting better. Less and less depressive episodes. Thoughts of suicide are still there, but they are just there. I know this all sounds too familiar because I had a similar post not too long ago, but there is more to it than that. This time is a bit different.

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Lately, God has been popping up in my mind. I feel guilty every time my friend mentions that he is going to church, like something is tugging at me, at my heart. I haven’t gone to church in about a year and a half. For some people, that really isn’t a long time, but for someone who used to love to go to church and devoted all of their time to church, that is a lifetime. I’m not saying I’m going back to church just yet, I’m just saying that there is something tugging at my heart. Besides, I really think that your relationship with God is in your heart, you don’t need a church to tell you to talk to him.

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One of my older posts I said that God was just waiting for me to come back to him. Well, I think, this is where it starts. I read back some of my old journals and all I talk about is how much God was in my life. I turned to God for every little thing, every little problem, every thought good or bad and he would always have an answer. I strayed away a little, but everyone does at some point, we just have to find our way back. Even before, there were several times where I lost my way but eventually came back. I’m still angry with God. We’re allowed to be angry right? Why not? We’re allowed to question him too, right? Even though I still have this thing, maybe I can reason with him? Maybe I’ll learn to accept what he has given me. Maybe I’ll learn to live with it and get around it. Maybe he is helping me and I’m just too caught up in this thing to even realize it. And maybe, just maybe, this is the beginning of the continuation of the relationship that I once had with God. Maybe even better?

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asking for help

I’m in my in between world again. Not up or down. Just somewhere in between where I really don’t feel anything. My natural high has dissipated like a balloon deflating back to just a piece of latex. I feel like a dead weight. Maybe it’s time to go back to therapy. I stopped going to therapy back in January because things seemed to be going really well but a lot has happened since then that I never really talked about so everything got bottled up and now I feel like I’m going to explode. Maybe this is why I’ve been getting a whole lot of chest pains. 4 months of a roller coaster of a life being stuffed in a tiny itty bitty space just waiting to come spewing out like a volcano. Wait, I haven’t gone to therapy yet. Hold your breath. Screw the cap back on. I have to get an appointment first. But for right now, I just feel drained. I feel like the life got sucked out of me. I’ve been holding my breath for 4 months and I need to let it out. Why did I ever think that everything would be okay after I stopped going to therapy? Of course bad things would happen. I don’t live in a perfect world, who does? I feel like I can’t get a grip on anything. Everything is falling through the cracks. You throw something against the wall and it shatters to a million pieces as it scatters all over the floor and you don’t know what to do with it. I can give you many more analogies but it’s all going to end up the same. I’m just sitting on the floor and the world is spinning around me with no means to an end. Can I hit the pause button please and rewind a little then tread lightly over the course of 4 months? Of course not. Only if I could go back in time.

Life isn’t easy. Anyone can say that. We all have our problems and we all deal with them differently. Sometimes we just have to know when to ask for help. For a long time, I refused it. I said, I can take on anything. Give me what you’ve got. And I gotta tell ya, it knocked me on my ass pretty damn hard, and that’s saying it lightly. Fortunately, I learned to give up my pride and now I know when to ask for help. And you know what? It is definitely okay to ask for help! It is okay to not be okay! No one is perfect. No life is perfect. We all need our shoulder to cry on.

Afraid to love again

So I’ve gone on a handful of first dates and none have gotten past that. I’ve never really had to think what if things did work out and there was a second or third date? Except once. Where would that lead to? What would happen? I went on a date with a guy a couple of weeks ago and he really really liked me. To be honest, it kinda scared me. It’s hard for me to remember how it felt like to be liked by another, let alone have them like me more than I liked them. But then again, this guy was going waaay too fast. I mean he was already asking me hypothetical questions like if in the long run things went well, would I move in with him? And do I think my family would like him? Hold on there bud! It’s only the first date. Now I know how guys feel when us girls go planning things out way too quickly. I guess men do it too. HA He asked me what my expectations were for our date and in all honesty, I said I didn’t have any, which was true. Only because I’ve been on so many dates and none of them have gone past the first so there is nothing to be expected. What can I say? I’m sure he didn’t like the answer, but I don’t lie. He told me I should or need to take risks in life and need to live life to the fullest, something along those lines. Believe me I do. I live my life. I have fun. I do what I want when I want, just not in that department. I’ve been hurt too many times. The wounds are deep and have healed, but the scars are there. I realize that I’m deathly afraid of really letting myself get into a relationship that I probably ruin my chances before it could even happen. Will I ever learn to love again? Or will I be too heavily guarded to even let anyone in?

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not quite an open book

I have a hard time talking about my depression. It’s easier for me to stay away from people, no one gets hurt and I don’t become a burden to anyone. A lot of people tell me that I could talk to them and that they are there for me. Unfortunately, like many of us, there are only certain people that we can confide in. So with that being said, thank you, but no thank you in the most sincere way. But then, there comes a time when I do try to open up to someone. I give very subtle hints and maybe they may not even be noticeable so it is at no fault to that person if they don’t notice it. Instead of picking up on my hint, they tell me to do something else and the conversation is over. At the same time it turns me further away from trying to talk about things and am reminded of why I don’t dare try to bring things up and then hide them even more. It’s ok, I’m used to it. I’ve hid it for a very long time and it is extremely hard for me to talk about in the first place. I don’t know when or if there will ever be a time that I talk about it outside of my therapist’s office. I mean sometimes I have a lot of things to say and others, there is absolutely nothing. Nothing at all, just stuck in a state of mind. Truth be told, I am afraid of openly talking about it because I really don’t know what the other person is going to say and I don’t know what to expect from them either. I am afraid that they will say something that will offend me or vice versa and then we end up getting mad at each other because of the misunderstanding. I know I haven’t given it a chance so I shouldn’t even be critical of it, but it really scares me to talk about it. If I end up somehow talking about it, it is very very surface level, nothing to really know exactly what is going on, just that I’m in an off mood or I’m not myself today or something doesn’t feel right, whatever excuse I can come up with to dodge the conversation. I never really liked the attention either. So, it’s just going to be an ongoing battle of what should I do?

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