I have this friend who was going through deep depression the same time I was. We would sulk in our misery together. Somehow our level of depression seemed to always be the same every time we saw each other. When we were at our lowest point, I remember us saying how we didn’t remember what it felt like to be happy. That we haven’t smiled in such a long time. All we felt all the time was emptiness. We didn’t want to live another day. We just wanted to end it all, right then and there. I don’t remember when we said those things or felt them. Sometime last year I think. We met up about every six months or so and would text each other every once in a while after that.
It has been over six months since the last time we met and that last time, we were already both doing okay. We met again this past weekend and let me tell you. Someway, somehow, we both are happy and loving life. She did what she needed to get better and I have written about mine. We sat in front of each other scratching our heads and laughing and saying “remember when we said we don’t know what it feels like to be happy?” Now we are saying we don’t know what it feels like to be where we were when we were depressed. We laugh and we smile. Life is good for both of us.
Never did I imagine that things could be like this. I thought I wasn’t going to make it to the end of the year. I didn’t think I could be happy again. To be able to look past tomorrow and the next day and next week and even next month. Heck, maybe even the next year. All I know is that my medicine is working and things couldn’t be any better. I still have that fear that my medicine will stop working at some point because I get immune to them, but I just got to remember that I am happy right here right now and I can always come back to this point, if not, even better.
I took the day off today… for two reasons. One, I didn’t feel like going to work and two, I was feeling depressed. I definitely needed it. Work is not crazy but it’s not busy either. I slept in til 11am and then went to lunch with my cousin. Went home and took Mochi to the park.
It seems my depression has been getting worse. This is the 3rd time that I’ve gone home or stayed home from work because of it. It seems like I have depressive episodes every week. My doctor changed my medication again but this time they have to increase the dosage slowly and the effects will happen in the span of a couple of months. That scares me! If my depression is already getting bad, I don’t want it to get any worse waiting, months for the right dosage, for the medication to work. I wish I could say that I was getting better, that the medicine is working and I’m on the road to recovery. Well kinda but not really. I’m afraid of what’s to come in the next month or two. I’m afraid of how bad it might get. I still wish that all of this never happened. I get tired of going through the same thing month after month. Taking medicine day after day waiting for something to work. I hate being asked if I have suicidal thoughts, if I have a plan, and what am I going to do? Knowing full well that there is a definite answer to that scares the SHIT out of me! I know what I am capable of. But, in the back of my mind, I really really really don’t want to die! Even though sometimes I do. Maybe that will be my saving grace. That thought alone will keep me from pulling it off. That thought alone will fight my other half to stay alive. Maybe if I’m fighting for someone else and not just me, that will stop me. Maybe that support that I get from someone is enough to pull me out and get me through this mess. That too will be my saving grace. That has to be enough. There is still that glimmer of hope that I will get through all of this even though half the time I’m skeptical about it. C’est la vie.
I got home today and I sat on the couch thinking… What am I doing with my life? (Deep sigh) I’m not necessarily going on a bad note but just really been doing some serious thinking here. I’m 37 years old. I’m not married. I don’t have kids. Not that I’m trying to jump on any bandwagon and not that being single is a bad thing either, but I just wonder, is there more to life than what I am doing? I often think, what is my purpose in this life if I haven’t got a family? I’ve done a lot of things as far as being single goes. I’ve been to London, Paris, Florence, Venice and Rome. I’ve been to Aruba. I’ve been to my fair share of the US states. I’ve jumped out of a plane three times already and would do it again at any time. I’ve tried rock climbing and snow boarding. I’ve entertained my artistic side. Got tattoos. I’m tired of the dating scene… It’s gotten me nowhere. I have two cats and a dog and without them, what am I doing here exactly? Not to entertain any thoughts of suicide but if they weren’t here, then what am I living for? What else is there for me to do? Am I just going to be doing the same routine for the rest of my life? What if there is no guy out there for me and I end up alone? I know I’ve said that I’m content with my life, but here I am questioning, what next? What else is there for me to do? What else is there to do in this life of ours? Are we meant to do anything? Is there a purpose to us being on this earth? Eat, sleep, work, sometimes play, repeat! not exactly in that order but you get the picture. In some of my older posts, I put that I was finally moving on with my life, but what does that exactly entail? Okay, okay, part of it was my art stuff. That I had fun doing. Meandering around the city not exactly knowing where I was going and just absorbing everything around me. I have this teeny tiny bit of a wish to go on with my photography but with a full time job, taking classes will be a challenge and going out to take pictures will require days off. Okay, I know I’m just making excuses. Lets say that in a year or two, I do fulfill that wish and get to do what I want with my photography? Then that step is over. Then what? I kinda solved a bit of my problem but it came back up again. I know I’m fast forwarding here but who doesn’t plan for their future? Where am I going to be in 5 years? Am I going to still be living in the same apartment, still single, obviously still loving my pets, they keep me alive, and then run into the same question. Now I’m back to square one. Sigh. Maybe I’m just trying to write out my rant to hopefully come to a conclusion that I know doesn’t exist, but maybe just a glimmer of hope? I guess not. Oh well, it was worth a shot. Til next time.
It’s been a crazy month but that phrase doesn’t seem to change for me does it? but it’s ok, things are going good… it was bad for some time, maybe too long in my book but what is good without the bad? it’s what makes the good even better right?!? I do miss writing, i miss my random rants about anything and everything and my mind has been on soooo many road trips good and bad… half and half too… at this point I’m back to rambling before i even get to the meat of the subject but that’s how i normally am right? besides, what is normal? heck i don’t know? who’s to determine what that should be? and besides the normal ones are weird and the weird ones are normal… so there… if that doesn’t make sense to you… it’s not supposed to.. haha i feel like i’m finding myself again, i miss me, a lot! nice to have you back! it’s good to be back! i’ve made it another year, woohoo! i’m doing a lot better than expected of myself, medicine is doing its job.
so i’ve set some new goals… i submitted Mochi’s picture for a calendar for 2018, hopefully it gets on there. i submitted other pictures as well. The cats are out and about getting along with Mochi dog. I signed up for a Disney Half Marathon in September, a Hillsong Conference in November, and I’m back in my piano lessons… notice that these are all for the next year if not two so i’m doing some reaching here… that’s good cuz i used to not be able to look past one day. Oh yeah I switched jobs, back to my old job and I am much happier! feels like home. I feel like I made the right decision and I’m happy with my decision.
With All of that said there is still only one person to thank for all of this, God! God is and will always be there to support me, listen to my hearts cries, and answer my prayers. Last weekend at my retreat, with the help of Pastor Tim, he confirmed all of this for me. That God has always been there, that God has always listened, and that God answers prayers. Pastor Tim told me things that came from God that were some of my deepest darkest secrets and deepest prayers, and yet through Pastor Tim, God speaks to me. Faith grows that much stronger.
the words of God and the songs that sing of his praise seem to calm me down even in the midst of a downward spiral falling fast in the depths of what seems to be my hell, my prayer for God to help me and save me seem to have been answered. He catches me as i fall into His arms i rise up from the depths and sink into the comfort of his love i cry to know that i am still
a constant battle within to push through for life to be sustained cling on to a reminder of words that give hope